Tag Archives: weight loss

According to these results, you’ve been dead for weeks…

I was speaking with someone the other day about the state of the economy, among other things.  She had just lost her job and we were comparing war stories.  She asked me what was the scoop with me and I gave her the Reader’s Digest version… changed jobs, moved 2 hours away from my kids, had a relationship break up, bought a house, lost the job I moved for…put house up for sale, preparing to move AGAIN, had some illness in the family…

“Oh my god! It’s a wonder you’re not dead!” she exclaimed.  “You have had pretty much the entire top 10 most stressful things that can happen in your life all in one year!”

That kind of got me to thinking… yes, it has been very stressful. That’s part of the reason I started blogging.. well, other than to keep me off internet dating and online poker sites.  I felt that if I was going through some major life changes, maybe by writing about these things I could laugh it off.. maybe learn something about myself.  On occasion I can be mildly amusing…. as for learning stuff.. well.. that I’m not sure of.  I can be a little thick…

“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.” – Mark Twain

No, I’m kidding. I’ve learned many things.. I’ve learned who my friends are, for sure.  Oddly, I’ve made a bunch of new friends out of the circumstance.  So there are plusses and minuses.  Good points, bad points.. but I think you’re picking up what I’m throwing down…

Needless to say, I thought I’d look up the most stressful things and found this stress test… and another couple of them.  I did several versions. And they all had pretty much the same outcome.

• 300 and over High susceptibility to stress-related illness
Daily practice of relaxation skills is very important for your wellness. Take care of it now before a serious illness erupts or an affliction becomes worse.

Yup. Good to know. My score was 661.   Apparently, I should have died of a massive stress related coronary by now. 

I sat there and starting thinking about why I wasn’t more stressed… maybe I SHOULD be feeling more stress..?  Shouldn’t I be laying in a puddle on the floor weeping about now?  Or am I in a constant state of denial?

I looked up stress relievers and found some interesting information.  Nothing too wacky or out of the box, but I few that I’m going to try because I haven’t… perhaps they will help some.  Oddly, I have unknowingly been doing some without really thinking about it as stress relief… walking..exercising..  journalling/blogging..trying to eat better.  But number 11.. Laughter.. is likely what has kept me (relatively) sane.  That and the friends who provide me with aforementioned laughs. laugh

“An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.”- Tom Boddett

Laughter has always been a big part of my life.. it’s one of my favourite things, really. Likely why I had crushes on comedians rather than rock stars.  I collect signs that say LAUGH.. they’re all over my house.  I’ve had enough misery in my life for several lifetimes.. and I’ve chosen laughing over crying.  And as a constant reminder, I recently had my own personal LAUGH sign tattooed on my left wrist. 

“A thing derided is a thing dead; a laughing man is stronger than a suffering man.” – Gustave Flaubert

So I shall continue to try to maintain my optimism through laughter since it appears it’s the only thing keeping me out of the grave.  If whatever doesn’t kill you truly makes you stronger.. then I’m Herculean.

Life: Chugging along. Hoping for some good news soon *fingers crossed*
Love: I love to laugh.. hahahaha  Hey, check this link from Mary Poppins.
Pants: Went for some big walks today with the dog. Working on it.
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Doodling Around

I have a love of doodling.

I like to use blue papermate pens.. they feel good in my hand and write nicely.. and I like to draw things when I am on the phone or in meetings etc.  I seem to mostly draw hearts and flowers .. which is very odd considering I am not a flowery girly girl type of person.  Yet, when I doodle I draw flowers over and over again.. and hearts… very rarely geometric designs.

I sometimes draw little cartoonish type faces… not necessarily people I know, but  I have been known to charicature my friends.. I’m pretty good sometimes actually.  I also have a weird OCD stalkerish tendency to write peoples’ names over and over again.. I’m sure it would freak some people out if they knew it was THEIR name I was doodling.. doodlebut honest, I’m not writing “MRS” before any of their names. Specifically the girls..

I decided to look up what my little drawings meant,  seeing as I seem to be doing a lot of it lately.. filling pages upon pages of notebooks with weird hieroglyphics. 

Most often, doodling happens out of boredom.. when you’re in a meeting or on the phone. And often it’s an outlet for frustrated creativity.. putting on paper ideas that are locked somewhere in our brains.  Some doodles or shapes have meanings.. I decided to look up what mine are supposed to mean. (By the way, I have been basically drawing the same type doodles for years…)

Faces apparently mean that I’m a “people person”.  Indicative of being friendly, enjoys being around others, sees the positive in people and situations and is optimistic.  I’d pretty much agree with that one.  I like people. I think they are pretty cool.  Except for really cranky ones. Or mean ones.

Flowers are indicative of a friendly sociable nature.. “Doodles of flowers indicate a gentle personality, a love of nature, sometimes childlike innocence or wistfulness…”  Again, I agree.  I’m sociable. Except when I’m being a hermit.  And if childlike means immature.. well… Oddly, I will not wear anything with an obvious floral pattern.. nor do I have any time of “flowery” stuff in my home.

Hearts.. apparently means I’m in love. Or in love with love.  This, I’m not so sure of.  Hmmm… maybe it just means I like drawing hearts…   (check your own doodles by clicking here…) 

However, I’m not too sure I place a ton of creedence in doodling as psychoanalysis. 

Apparently in  January 2005, some doodles were found on the desk of British Prime Minister Tony Blair and were discussed by psychologists and handwriting experts as to their meaning. According to the BBC ,  newspaper stories indicated that the doodler was   “struggling to concentrate” and “not a natural leader”. However, it was later revealed that a mistake had been made and the doodles were not the work of Mr. Blair.  In fact, the doodles were drawn by a visitor to Number 10 Downing Street – Bill Gates. 

Yeah, I hear he’s a bit of a slacker.

 Life: Not sure I really learned anything from my doodles, other than I draw a pretty good picture of a pig. 
Love: I draw hearts all the time. Nuff said.
Pants: Mostly I draw faces and rarely bodies. So they are pantless…. so to speak.

ABC’s of Me.

A – Age: 45

B – Bed size: Queen .. only sleep on about a third due to Mocha the WonderDog

C – Chore you hate: Weeding.  Folding Laundry

D – Dream vacation spot: Italy.. anyplace to see stuff.

E- Essential start your day item: pee, then coffee.. update FB status. LOL.

F – Favourite colour(s): RED and black

G – Gold or Silver: Gold. I can only wear gold. Allergic to all other metals

H – Height: 5’4”.  But people always think I’m taller .. it’s my large head.

I – Instruments you play: Yamaha Rhythm Organ circa 1978.  Used to play classical flute.

J – Job title: Evil Genius.  Professional Smart Ass.  Marketing/Promo  

K – Kid(s): 1 beautiful girl named Katy – 19.. and a gorgeous boy named Josh who will be 14 in a week! Yikes!

L – Living arrangement: Me and Mocha living in Barrie at the moment…

M – Mom’s name: Sheila.. long name is Dora Ann Sheila Bernadette… the Irish like to go by the middle name.

N – Nicknames: Bethany, Kubby, Bessie, Evil,  

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Tonsils, 2 kids, Nasal surgery.. and that time I did the medical study and had to sleep at McMaster 4 times. I had to stay for 24 hours while they examined my stomach contents.  I was paid $1000 and used it to go to South America.

P – Pet Peeve: bad drivers, rude people

Q – Quote from a movie: “Get busy living or get busy dying” – Shawshank Redemption

From Field of Dreams:

Ray Kinsella: So what do you want?
Terence Mann: I want them to stop looking to me for answers, begging me to speak again, write again, be a leader. I want them to start thinking for themselves. I want my privacy.
Ray Kinsella: No, I mean, what do you WANT?
[Gestures to the concession stand they’re in front of]
Terence Mann: Oh. Dog and a beer.

R – Right or left handed: right

S – Siblings: 2 sisters.. Barb and Lara

T – Time you wake up: Most days around 7-ish. Depends..

U – Underwear: generally, lace booty shorts.

V – Vegetable you dislike: not a big fan of carrots.  But like most veggies.

W – Workout style: Lazy. Super lazy. I try.. but.. I’m lazy.

X – X-rays you’ve had: teeth, collar bone, pelvis, cat scans..

Y – Yesterday’s best moment: Talking on the phone with my BFF

Z – Zoo favorite: I like all the big cats.

Snow: The Frozen Tears of Satan.

The one thing I foolishly did not take into consideration when deciding to move to Central Ontario was the weather. I made the decision during the lovely months.. boating.. Big Chief island.. sun, sand.. summer fun. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That is like.. ONE MONTH during the year!! The rest of the time you are trapped in the icy hell known as snow shovelling.

Once again today I wake up to the drone of snowblowers and the sound of the garbage truck stuck in the snow in front of my house. Good times people. Good times.

Remember when you were a kid and you could NOT WAIT till it snowed? I remembering revelling in the first snowfall of the season…. me and my friend Julie.. 6 years old.. building a snowman on her front lawn… ah, the innocence of youth.

That is pretty much the last happy memory I have of snow.

I procrastinated for a while.. after all, I didn’t NEED to go anywhere.. then after debating whether or not to call the snow guy to do the drive, I elected to save the $20 and do it myself. After all, it’s good exercise, right?

Usually when I shovel, I start in the back yard. I have a deck off the back door and this is the primary “in and out” door for Mocha the Wonderdog. Mocha has a love/hate relationship with the snow. She bounds into the back and proceeds to weave intricate trails and patterns throughout the yard… frolicking like .. well, something that frolicks. Then she proceeds to her hatred of the snow.. I shovel and throw said white demon powder into the pile and she jumps at it, growling, angry that these frozen tears of Satan are making her mommy work so hard.

Yeah, I am reading way too much into that. She likes to chase shit. I dig and try to avoid inadvertently whacking her in the head with the shovel. I don’t want those PETA guys on my ass.

Anyhow, today I move directly to the front… there is a lot of snow. I hate snow. (Have I mentioned that?) I have a big scoopy thing for the nasty deed….. Canadian Tire.. $40. That way I can PUSH the snow rather than lift it. I have a system.. first, I push the snow in front of my car into a pile near the fence.. creating a pathway to the backyard gate. Then I make sure I shovel and salt the front walkway (I am very considerate of the mail carrier… after all, would hate to miss that million dollar envelope from the Reader’s Digest people.. hey, somebody’s gotta win it… but I digress….)

I move the car up a bit and proceed to clear out behind the car using my handy scooping device… pushing the snow from my drive across the road and dumping it in the drive of an empty house.

Scoop one.. it is freakin’ cold. My hands have already started to lose feeling in the tips of my fingers. Scoop two.. I have obviously made a wise choice to make “getting in shape” one of my New Year’s Resolutions. It is obvious that I am not. Scoop three… I am seriously not having fun and by Scoop four I have that dry burning feeling in the back of my throat that you get from heavy mouth breathing in the cold air. Despite my extremeties freezing, I am sweating in my parka. I elect to go into the house for a little rest and warmth.

I rest for 5 minutes, put on an additional pair of gloves and get back at it. I am envious of my neighbours and their fancy snowblowers. Especially the guy who snowblows his drive with a smoke hanging out of his mouth and a beer in his hand. That’s talent.. especially at 2 in the afternoon…

Not too many people out .. most of the neighbourhood other than yours truly seem to be gainfully employed. A couple of doors down there is a guy from a service doing someone’s drive. We catch each others eyes and do the polite “smile and nod”. I continue to attempt to plow out the end of my drive, when of course, I hit ice. And proceed to gracefully slide forward, hitting myself in the stomach with the bar of the scoop and landing on my face. In front of witnesses.

Hired guy actually comes bounding over to make sure I have not cracked my skull or broken a hip. He asks if I’m ok, and I respond that as long as public humiliation is not considered serious injury, I am ok. He laughs and I notice he has all his own teeth. And he’s within my age range… and kinda cute. Gainfully employed and all your own teeth is quite a catch in this neck of the woods.

Hired guy then offers to give me a hand as he is pretty much done at the neighbours. As Canadians we are obligated to discuss the weather and the amount of snow. Scintillating. I make sarcastic comments, he laughs. Good times.

At this point I feel it necessary to point out that I was outside for rigourous manual labour, not to pick up. Therefore I was dressed accordingly in my downfilled parka and oh so chic Old Navy toque which I believe belongs to my son. Needless to say… I am hotness personified.

So, Hired Guy and myself are enjoying the comraderie of those who shovel.. It doesn’t take us long to finish off my drive as he is, after all, a professional. Once done, I thank him again for his helpfulness and for not mocking me too severely when I wiped out. To which he replies:

“You’re welcome…….. MA’AM.”

I had mixed feelings. Beat him to death with a snow shovel, or drag him into the house to look at the Facebook photos of me in a kilt so he could see what I REALLY looked like…??
DUDE, SERIOUSLY….. We are like, pretty much within the same age range!!!! However, now that I look at you, you really aren’t that cute. And you appear to be kind of dumb. (Yes, my ego feels better…)

However, I did neither. As he stood there ….looking like he maybe expected a tip or something…. I responded in my best old lady voice…”well, you have a good day, SONNY” and me and my snow scoop went to clear the back yard with Mocha the Wonderdog.

Fuck. It’s snowing again.

Life: Other than shovelling .. nothing much. But I did have a little job action today. *fingers crossed*
Love: Once again, sharing my bed with Mocha the Wonderdog. She`s a bed hog.
Pants: Down another pound. So far so good. 5+ lbs and counting…

So did I tell you about the time…?

I am one of those people who has weird things happen to me. Like, one time I met both Geddy Lee and Flavor Flav in one weekend.. and Chuck D took the pic of me and Flav! See. Photographic evidence. He was very polite and respectful. However I still do not understand what chicks see in him… but I digress…
So, weird things happen to me.. I meet famous people.. I win stuff… but sometimes I do NOT win stuff. That part is just sad.
Here’s what happened…… I lost 2 million dollars in the last year and a half. I KNOW! The most recent time was on Lotto 6/49.. IF ONLY THE 7 HAD BEEN A 4!! I play the Encore each time.. I know some people think it’s not worth it, but I know someone who knows someone who DIDN’T play the Encore and did NOT win the million. And to make matters worse, her corner store posted a sign in their window that said “JOAN SMITH LOST A MILLION DOLLARS HERE BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO CHEAP TO SPEND THE EXTRA BUCK ON ENCORE! DUMB BITCH!!” or something along that line……
So, I played Encore… my number was 1357699… and the Encore number was 1354699. ONE FREAKING NUMBER AWAY FROM A MILLION DOLLARS. You’d think that you’d get some good freakin’ cash wouldn’t ya? Nope. $10 and a free ticket. BITE ME ONTARIO LOTTERY CORPORATION!!
But, previous to that…… flashback to September 2007….. I land in Regina to go to Canadian Country Music Week. Of course, the first stop is the liquor store… and as am perusing the fine liquor selection, my cell phone rings…
“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m looking for Elizabeth Warren… this is Patricia from ‘Are You Smarter Than A Canadian 5th Grader'”…
“I’ve been waiting for your call….”
Yeah, I really did say that…..
So we proceed to have a charming conversation.. all the while I’m doing a little dancy dance in the Regina booze store.. WOOHOO! I am going to be on a freakin’ game show and win TONS of money!! Because I AM SMARTER THAN A CANADIAN FIFTH GRADER!!!
I am charming and hilarious and Patricia is laughing.. she finds my answer re: what’s the first thing you’d spend the money on to be hysterical.. I said I’d buy my son a trampoline (that is the deal if I win a lot of money.. I think that’s getting off cheap…) She asks me to come to Toronto to do a screentest for the show…. I AM A SHOO IN!!!
THEN comes the proverbial bucket of cold water…. “Great! so you can be in Toronto the day after tomorrow?”
silence.
“Uh, I’m in Regina for a conference…”
“Can you come back?”
“Not till Monday…”
“Oh. We’ll be done by then……”
Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!
So I lost a million bucks. But it makes for a good story.
And if truth be told, I would have settled for $250K.
Life: No real change. It`s pretty ok.
Love: Only boys on the internet. More on this later.
Pants: Down 4 lbs since yesterday. My secret? Weigh yourself fully clothed at night and then naked the next morning. Gives ya a nice “kickstart”….

Twenty Dollars?!? You Got an Ass that Won’t Quit….

So. 2008 was a helluva year.

To summarize:

  • Moved 2 hours away from my children and friends to work at a job I loved
  • Lived in someone’s basement for 6 months
  • Got dumped by my boyfriend
  • Discovered that I was horribly allergic to Ibuprofen to the point where I used my EpiPen several times and looked like a misshapen freak.
  • My father was diagnosed with Leukemia
  • Bought a house
  • My daughter came to live with me in Barrie.
  • Got canned from the job I no longer loved
  • Bought a car
  • Put the house up for sale
  • Made plans to get outta Dodge.

Those are the highlights. Or the lowlights. Depending on how you look at it, I guess.

Suffice it to say that 2008 has not been my favourite years of those I have lived. I’m forty fuckin’ four, unemployed, unattached and somewhat uninspired. Of the “uns” the only one I am NOT is underweight.

I have time on my hands.. and I figure that being the computer junkie that I am that I can use it somewhat constructively to evaluate what the hell is going on with my life through blogging. Or use it to mock others. Or waste time. Or post porn. Guess it will depend on my mood and how much I’ve had to drink.

The title you ask? Life would be fairly obvious I would think, but if you are marginally challenged, I shall explain… it will have to do with what is going on in my life.

Love .. *sigh*. Commenting on my love life. Or lack thereof more than likely. This is a touchy topic. Oh wait. There is nothing to report. Problem solved.

Pants. Who doesn’t love pants? They have pockets.. you can put things in them! I found $20 in mine today! It was freshly laundered. I used that $20 to buy the bottle of wine I am now consuming .. and had enough change left to… uh.. put back in my pants. Pants also has to do with the fact that I’d like to fit into smaller pants. So I am going to work on that as well.

Bottom line.. I suck at New Year’s Resolutions. I’m thinking if I write about it and post it where others can witness it, maybe I’ll be forced to live up to them. So here they are in all their glory:

  • Get a job. Preferably one I love and can utilize my skills – mocking others and my insane knowledge of useless trivial information. I am thinking “game show host”.
  • Move. I love the house I bought. LOVE IT. That’s the biggest bitch about this whole deal. However, I want to live closer to Waterloo where I can see my kids more regularly and be near my friends and people that I love. Do they have any game shows in Waterloo?
  • Find me a boyfriend. I like boys. A lot. However, I seem to be somewhat smarter than many of them and this seems to scare them off. Or it’s my insane good looks. Or my lack of ego. Or the fact that I have spent the last month in my rec room and actually don’t meet humans. I am also removing myself from any internet dating crap (more on that another time). Time to put on my big girl pants and meet aforementioned humans.
  • Adopt a healthier lifestyle. i.e. more veggies, less crap, less liquor (unless it’s a special occasion, like, Tuesday..) more exercise. This will be my greatest challenge as you actually have to get off the couch….

So..

Life? meh.. could be worse.
Love? I have many people who love me. I’m sure it will all work out eventually.
Pants? I lost 3 pounds over the holidays and I found $20 in my jeans today. I think that’s a good start.