Tag Archives: resolutions

New Beginnings

I’m not a sharer.

I know it seems strange for me to say that considering I’ve spent the last year chronicling my life on the internet.  But I’m really not.

I’m an excellent actress. Far more than most realize. Despite my outward appearance of joviality, I don’t share my feelings with many.. and not often. I sometimes push all my bad feelings down so that no one knows there are there except for me…. putting on the face of a permanently happy girl.  And to tell the truth, I am more happy than not.. but.. I’m babbling now…

photo by Heather Meyers Photography

What brought this on, you ask?  New Year’s Eve.  It is one of my least favourite holidays of the year.

It’s always been somewhat depressing for me.. it’s the end of Christmas, after all.  Time to leave that magical time behind, take down the tree and head back to work or school or what have you.  Depressing as all fuck.

I’ve never been one to revel in Auld Lang Syne and kiss a bunch of strangers…

I mean, I’ve had some good New Year’s Eves.. as a kid I remember trying to stay up till midnight and watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and dancing around.. as a teen there were a few parties.. as an adult, I often worked the night.  For years I DJ’d at the Owen Sound Greys Hockey dance… it was actually quite fun. My husband (at the time) Jamie and I would go up there.. I’d play tunes.. we’d dance… have some food and enjoy ourselves.

The big Y2K New Year’s was spent in Marathon, Ontario. It’s north.. very north.. near Thunder Bay. Hey, if the world’s going to end, might as well be in God’s country, right?  No, actually, Jamie was gigging .. what was supposed to be a huge party turned into about 40 people as many stayed home.. afraid of the impending doom.  We still had a great time..  afterward all of us went back to our hotel.. we were the ONLY people staying there.. not even any staff!! They just left the door of the Best Western open for us.. we stayed up a bit, had some drinks and had a blast.

A couple of years ago we just stayed home.. me, Katy and Josh, BFF Jodi, Alyssa (Katy’s BFF) and Katy’s boyfriend at the time.. we karaoke’d.. had some drinks and decided to go out and slide on the ice rink next door.. much hilarity ensued, as did some somewhat embarrassing photos (“we were outside?” said Jodi….) and soaked clothing from falling in the snow.. but it was fun.

However, most years I choose to lay low.. I’ve tried to go to the bar or the dance or what have you, but I find it a downer.

Which brings me to the sharing part..

Last year was the worst New Year’s of my life.  And unfortunately I let that colour much of the year.

I don’t want to go into detail… I’m saving that for the book, after all.. more on that later… but suffice to say, I was assaulted.  I’m fine. Really.  Finally.  Justice has been served. It’s all good. And no, other than that, I don’t want to talk about it.  It seemed a rather cruel joke by the Universe seeing as I had just suffered a year of moving, lost love and losing my job.  The ultimate capper to a horrible year.

Unfortunately, after this happened, I shut down and spent the better part of a month hiding in my house.  It was what I needed to do at the time.  Several very close and good friends helped me through it.  But it still affected me.  Of course.  I lost a lot of self confidence, self worth…. and chose to deal with it in not very constructive ways.. usually involving wine and crying.

However, the point of this is to not make everyone feel sorry for me.. because they shouldn’t.  I told you already.. It’s all good.

The point of this is that although it took me many months, I finally started turning things around.

This past year wasn’t a banner year.  But there were a lot of very good things that happened.  I made a lot of new friends.. many of them through social media channels.  I finally realized that what I want to be when I grow up .. is a writer.  I started writing a book.. not done yet.. but soon.  I reconnected with many people from my past who meant a lot to me.. Avril.. Wayne.. many many from high school…

Lost some people from my life as well.. some died.. some… I had to remove from my life for self preservation.

I fell in love this year.  No, I’m not telling you with whom.  But it didn’t.. and won’t.. work out.  He knows. And he loves me too and remains an important part of my life.  So it’s still a good thing.

I saw many concerts.. AC/DC, Bob Dylan, Springsteen.. to name a few.. things on the bucket list.. I had many people who loved me help me when things were really not good.. Jodi, Trevor.. my family.. even my ex-husband Jamie has been a wealth of support and friendship.  Yes, we are an unusual pair.

Despite the pain, I had a lot of laughter.  Many good times with friends.  I loved and enjoyed them all.

I did actually accomplish a few of my resolutions from last year.. so I believe that to be progress.  I’ve recently started an exciting new career adventure.. And my children continue to amuse me, amaze me and provide me with unconditional love.  They are two of the finest people I know.

What started so horribly has turned out quite well I think.  I can honestly say that I am actually happy … that’s taken me a long time to accomplish, truthfully.  But I am.  There’s always room for more happiness though.. and more laughter..  And I’ve learned the past helps shape who you are, but does not control your future.

My best Christmas gift this year was a card. It was from my parents.  In summary, it was to tell me how proud they are of me and how strong I am.  Best gift ever.

I’m actually looking forward to this New Year’s Eve. I am spending it surrounded by people I care about and who care about me.  It will be low key and quiet.  Which is just fine.

So if you are reading this.. you likely have affected my life whether you know it or not.  Thank you for being a part of my journey.  Thank you for being there for me.. you mean a lot to me..   My wish for you for 2010 is love, peace, happiness, contentment and much joy and laughter.

And I wish that for me, too.

Because 2010 is my year for a new beginning.  It’s the year of the Tiger. I’m going to grab the tiger by the tail…

Life: All good.
Love: I love you all very much.
Pants: Yes, I will be wearing pants this evening. Thanks for asking..
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100 Posts…

I just noticed today that I had surpassed 100 posts.

That’s a lot of words.  It would appear that I have a lot to talk about.. Or more likely I’m just longwinded ..a bit of a babbler..

Regardless, I was taking a look at the original reasons that I started this blog… and thought I’d see how much I’d “progressed”.. if at all….

So, to revisit.. Here are what amounts to my New Year’s resolutions.. and thoughts on the same…

one of my many recent adventures.. this was Oktoberfest.. good times!!

  • Get a job. Preferably one I love and can utilize my skills – mocking others and my insane knowledge of useless trivial information. I am thinking “game show host”.

I, unfortunately, have not become a game show host. I KNOW! What a waste!  However, I have discovered that my ultimate goal is to be a writer.. well, I’m already a writer… but I mean write and get paid for it… like, huge money.. . You know, be on Oprah and stuff.. … Now, as far as the job dealio is concerned, I haven’t secured a traditional 9-5 thing.. which is great.. because I’m really not a 9-5 type of chick.. One thing I’ve discovered is that I like working from home.. or wherever I happen to be.. and also like to work at weird hours (that’s the bohemian creative thingy there methinks..)  So, I’m doing some consulting work.. which is very, very cool. I like it.

  • Move. I love the house I bought. LOVE IT. That’s the biggest bitch about this whole deal. However, I want to live closer to Waterloo where I can see my kids more regularly and be near my friends and people that I love. Do they have any game shows in Waterloo?

I DID move.. to St. Catharines.. to live with my BFF Jodi.  Which is awesome because she rocks.  However, ultimately want to be back in the K-Dub.  I love Kitchener-Waterloo. A LOT.  Big fan.  I am saying aloud that I plan on being back by February.. putting it out into the Universe, so to speak.. gonna make it happen!

  • Find me a boyfriend. I like boys. A lot. However, I seem to be somewhat smarter than many of them and this seems to scare them off. Or it’s my insane good looks. Or my lack of ego. Or the fact that I have spent the last month in my rec room and actually don’t meet humans. I am also removing myself from any internet dating crap (more on that another time). Time to put on my big girl pants and meet aforementioned humans.

This is a tricky one. You see.. I haven’t been ENTIRELY truthful when it comes to the “love” section of the blog.. well, I did take myself off all the internet dating stuff.. mind you, I had a relapse and went back on for a bit.. Chatted with a few guys.. but.. really didn’t have any interest in meeting most.. met a couple.. and.. yeah, not so much. And, removed myself again.

So, to be truthful about this.. hmmm… well, I’ve had some “dates”..  and they were fun and all.. a couple of boys that I liked.. but.. y’know.. nothing came of it.. didn’t work out for various reasons.. so there ya go.

And I’ve rethought this actually.. I guess I don’t so much want a “boyfriend” as just a social life.. which I actually have!! I’ve had a lot of fun lately.. meeting new people and doing fun stuff with some great friends. And really.. fun is the operative word.. I mean, I could “have a boyfriend” if I REALLY wanted one.. I get asked out and stuff. . but.. I want the “right” guy.. ..smart and funny.. Should I be cruising the Perimeter Institute? Comedy clubs?

I know there’s a guy out there for me.. the Universe will send him my way when it’s the right time.. 😉  So I’m in no rush.. and not worried about it. Obviously whoever he is is just not ready for me yet.  After all, I AM a lot to handle….  I’ll just have fun in the meantime!

  • Adopt a healthier lifestyle. i.e. more veggies, less crap, less liquor (unless it’s a special occasion, like, Tuesday..) more exercise. This will be my greatest challenge as you actually have to get off the couch….

This one.. I’ve been.. pretty good with.. I have been eating less crap.. and have been getting more exercise (really should do more crunches though..) I walk dogs for about 60-90 minutes a day (about 5-6K) and all my pants are too big.. so that’s going pretty well. Less liquor?  Well.. ..  let’s put it this way.. if I DIDN’T do all the walking, I’d likely weigh about 300lbs…

So I actually think I’ve done pretty well with them… I’m happy with my progress. But… still working on it and it’s getting better every day…

Life: It’s all good!
Love: I love my life, my friends, my family….. and Kitchener-Waterloo!
Pants: As I said.. they’re bigger.. I’ve moved in a belt notch and just last night a friend told me I was looking skinny. Yay!

Serendipity.. Life Lessons Learned in the back of a Cab

Serendipity: A very good coincidence, often leading to something really awesome. (Urban Dictionary.com)serendipity-new

I had occasion to take a cab yesterday.

I do one of two things whilst taking a ride with a stranger…. I either end up having a lengthy conversation about current events, the weather or the city I’m in or where I’m going.. Or I don’t talk much at all except to give the address and such. 

When I got into the cab, the driver gave me a friendly hello and of course asked where I was going.  I had to tell him where exactly it was as he wasn’t familiar with that area of town.  I told him as well as I could, explaining that I was a recent transplant to Niagara region and therefore really didn’t know my way around too well.  He asked why I had moved to this area and I gave him the Reader’s Digest version.. explaining that my life had been something of a challenge for the past year, but I was working on it.  He wished me luck with my situation and told me that if someone wants something badly enough, they just needed two things.. to believe in it, and work hard for it.

Just to create conversation, I told him that there had been a mass of emergency vehicles in the area that morning.. a random girl I ran into while waiting  had told me that some guy had jumped from his apartment balcony across the street.  We both exclaimed how sad and shocking that was and I internally said a short prayer for the poor soul.

Mr. Cabbie went on to tell me that he could understand someone becoming so depressed .. so hopeless.. that one would consider such extreme measures.

He explained to me that he had been sober now for 34 years.  I asked him what led him to that decision and he explained that it was his second wife. 

He had been married very young.. at 22 .. and it barely lasted a year.  He was a young buck who partied hard and his first wife could not withstand his wreckless behaviour and left him.

For several years he was alone and went through some great challenges, including being homeless. 

He had been living in an apartment in Niagara when one night there was a fire. He barely escaped with his life, never mind any of his clothing or possessions.  He didn’t even have a set of clothes… no insurance. Nothing was left.

He managed to talk a local store into giving him a small wardrobe and a winter coat on credit (it was February).  He had to live in a shelter for a time until he could get some work and rebuild himself and his life.. it was a very low period and there were times where he self medicated so often with liquor that he considered his life empty and perhaps not worth the effort to continue.

But he managed to find the inner resolve to push forward and rebuild as best he could.  Then he met a girl and remarried.

They were together for a year and he had once again succumbed to his hard partying ways and she left him. 

He was devastated.  He finally called her and said he’d do whatever it took to win her back.  She told him that he would have to pursue addiction counselling and quit the drinking and the drugs forever.  He agreed.

It was a tough go, but he had the resolve to do it because he knew that something better was there for him if he chose to work hard for it.  He continued by saying that he and his wife recently celebrated 35 years of marriage.. and 34 years of his sobriety. They’ve had a wonderful life together .. three children.. and continue to share much happiness.

He was tempted a few times over the years, but knew if he faltered he’d lose everything that truly mattered to him.  He’d been broke, homeless, addicted to booze and drugs.  He resolved at one point to change his life. And although sometimes it was a struggle, he did it despite the obstacles.

“Anything worth having is worth working hard for”.. he said.  I agreed with him wholeheartedly.

We pulled into my driveway and I scavenged in my purse for the money to pay him.  “I’ve enjoyed our conversation… by the way.. what is your name?”

“Ian”.. he said.. “I’m Beth”, I replied.

“That’s my wife’s name!” He remarked.  For some strange reason that did not strike me as a such a weird coincidence.

Every once in a while, you have what appears to be a random conversation with someone who teaches you something or brings you a valuable message or a life lesson. It’s serendipity. Finding something fortunate you really didn’t expect to find. 

Both my personal and professional lives have been rife with challenges over the last couple of years and at times I can get pretty discouraged about that.  However, here was a man who built himself up with far less going that what I have right now.  Proving to me that through sheer will and belief and hard work, you can succeed.

Ian.. it was a pleasure to meet you.  I think I’d better get back to working hard. I already have the belief that there is something better waiting for me.

Life: Serendipitous
Love: is a wonderful thing..
Pants: Just took a walk with puppy. It was lovely.

A Year From Now

A year from now you’ll wish you’d started today. – Karen Lamb

I read that recently and I keep saying it over and over in my head.calendar

A year ago, I was preparing to move into my house.. the first house I had ever owned.  To recap … during the last year, I was broken up with, bought a house.. then lost my job.. now have sold the house and I’m preparing to move.. again.  And unfortunately.. as it it with human nature, I have played the “What if?” game in my head.  What if I had done this.. or that.. or the other thing.

Needless to say, it’s an exercise in futility.  And it’s annoyed the crap out of a few of my friends who wish I would stop calling them in the middle of the night to lament my situation and sing “Wind Beneath My Wings”.  But I digress. Again.

Everyone does it.. think about how if they’d only bought RIM stock or Apple, back in the day… or if I had only stuck with the exercise program I started at Lady Fitness in 1984 I’d be freakin’ CUT by now… but.. hindsight is 20/20 and uh, yeah… not going to change anything.

While I was packing up my house I ran across a “self help” book I purchased about 5 years ago and never finished.  I started it with the best of intentions … I would use this tool to help re-create and re-invent myself. 

The book mark was at page 43.  And I’m a fast reader usually.. I mean, when the new “Harry Potter” would come out, I’d finish that bad boy in 24 hours… you couldn’t stop me. I’d read non-stop until I had finished the whole thing.

While perusing this manual of self improvement I noticed another piece of paper toward the back of the book. It was a list I drew up in 2004 of things that I wanted to change about me, about my life.  Things that I needed to let go of, to get over, to get past… in order to be happy.

I’m sorry to say that out of the list of five things, only two I’ve accomplished.  Mind you, the two items I DID accomplish were HUGE.  Large, life changing stuff .. that of which I will not share with you here as frankly, it’s none of your business.. and deeply personal. 

But, the three remaining items… if I HAD done those things.. how different would my life be RIGHT NOW?  I will never know.  And there is no point in trying to figure that out.   These three items are still on my “to do” list.  Still things I wish to accomplish.

So today a new list will be written. I’ll finish reading the book and I hope these changes will improve my life. 

A year from now Iwill be able to tell you.  I’m starting today.

Life: Packing, packing, packing.
Love: I do not love packing. Not at all.
Pants: I’ve been pretty good with the exercise. I’ll let you know in a year. 😉

Twenty Dollars?!? You Got an Ass that Won’t Quit….

So. 2008 was a helluva year.

To summarize:

  • Moved 2 hours away from my children and friends to work at a job I loved
  • Lived in someone’s basement for 6 months
  • Got dumped by my boyfriend
  • Discovered that I was horribly allergic to Ibuprofen to the point where I used my EpiPen several times and looked like a misshapen freak.
  • My father was diagnosed with Leukemia
  • Bought a house
  • My daughter came to live with me in Barrie.
  • Got canned from the job I no longer loved
  • Bought a car
  • Put the house up for sale
  • Made plans to get outta Dodge.

Those are the highlights. Or the lowlights. Depending on how you look at it, I guess.

Suffice it to say that 2008 has not been my favourite years of those I have lived. I’m forty fuckin’ four, unemployed, unattached and somewhat uninspired. Of the “uns” the only one I am NOT is underweight.

I have time on my hands.. and I figure that being the computer junkie that I am that I can use it somewhat constructively to evaluate what the hell is going on with my life through blogging. Or use it to mock others. Or waste time. Or post porn. Guess it will depend on my mood and how much I’ve had to drink.

The title you ask? Life would be fairly obvious I would think, but if you are marginally challenged, I shall explain… it will have to do with what is going on in my life.

Love .. *sigh*. Commenting on my love life. Or lack thereof more than likely. This is a touchy topic. Oh wait. There is nothing to report. Problem solved.

Pants. Who doesn’t love pants? They have pockets.. you can put things in them! I found $20 in mine today! It was freshly laundered. I used that $20 to buy the bottle of wine I am now consuming .. and had enough change left to… uh.. put back in my pants. Pants also has to do with the fact that I’d like to fit into smaller pants. So I am going to work on that as well.

Bottom line.. I suck at New Year’s Resolutions. I’m thinking if I write about it and post it where others can witness it, maybe I’ll be forced to live up to them. So here they are in all their glory:

  • Get a job. Preferably one I love and can utilize my skills – mocking others and my insane knowledge of useless trivial information. I am thinking “game show host”.
  • Move. I love the house I bought. LOVE IT. That’s the biggest bitch about this whole deal. However, I want to live closer to Waterloo where I can see my kids more regularly and be near my friends and people that I love. Do they have any game shows in Waterloo?
  • Find me a boyfriend. I like boys. A lot. However, I seem to be somewhat smarter than many of them and this seems to scare them off. Or it’s my insane good looks. Or my lack of ego. Or the fact that I have spent the last month in my rec room and actually don’t meet humans. I am also removing myself from any internet dating crap (more on that another time). Time to put on my big girl pants and meet aforementioned humans.
  • Adopt a healthier lifestyle. i.e. more veggies, less crap, less liquor (unless it’s a special occasion, like, Tuesday..) more exercise. This will be my greatest challenge as you actually have to get off the couch….

So..

Life? meh.. could be worse.
Love? I have many people who love me. I’m sure it will all work out eventually.
Pants? I lost 3 pounds over the holidays and I found $20 in my jeans today. I think that’s a good start.