Tag Archives: pants

Life is a Carnival.. Enjoy the ride.

When I was a young girl, my father would often take us to a carnival that was set up along the beach strip between Hamilton and Burlington.roller-coaster

My sisters and I would love to go on all the rides.. we’d take turns ringing the little bell on the front of the boat ride.. pretend to be riding Harleys as we spun in circles on the motorcycle ride, scream in terror as we thought we’d go flying out of the Scrambler… and of course, there would always be the roller coasters.

The clicking as the coaster ascended the track.. the build up… the anticipation of being hurled through the air at incredible rates of speed.  The sheer terror of the drop.. the euphoric rush and heart palpitations as we soared up and down…

I recall my family visiting Wonderland for the first time.. waiting in line for a good 30 minutes or so in order to climb into a metal box and have our bodies thrown about for a mere 3 to 5 minutes of electrifying exhilaration.

This summer my son and I went to Marineland and he convinced me to ride the Dragon Fire six times in a row.  At the end of the ride I came to the conclusion that perhaps I had become far too old for this joyride.. the feeling of my brain being jostled around in my head and slammed against the side of the car now far outweighed the elation I once felt whilst flying through the perceived time space continuum.

This past week my life has felt like a veritable roller coaster.

What started out as a fun little trip quickly became an accelerated, terrifying adventure.  The slow build of the ride escalating to its peak.. then the sudden dangerous thrust of being hurtled toward the ground … wind whipping through your hair, feet dangling… feeling as if you are almost airborne… only to rise once again up the track, spinning about until dizzy and then come crashing to the bumpy stop.  End of the ride.  Please don’t forget to pick up your belongings as you depart to your left.

But as much fun as rollercoasters can be, they are a brief thrill ride..fervent, fast, furious….jarring your brain and body.  Much excitement and fun while the fleeting ride lasts, but intense and jolting and always coming to an inevitable screeching stop.  And you are sometimes left feeling a little disappointed and nauseous at the conclusion.

So, I think perhaps my rollercoaster days have come to an end. 

From now on I think the ferris wheel is more to my liking..  slowly climbing toward the sky.. being able to observe everything around with an unencumbered view of the world.. rocking the cart just enough to be slightly exciting.. but not too much to make you crash to the ground… and then the slow descent back to earth where, once again, you can plant your feet firmly on the ground.

Or maybe the carousel. I think that may be more my speed. 

But, for the record,  I did enjoy the ride. Brief as it was.

Life: Everything happens for a reason. It’s all good.
Love: I have a lot of it in my life. For that I’m thankful.
Pants: Working on that too. Time for a run.
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Happy Anniversary is still Appropriate.. I think…

Today is the 20th Anniversary of the Day I was married.

All the old hilarious wedding pics are packed away.. Instead, here's a recent photo..

All the old hilarious wedding pics are packed away.. Instead, here's a recent photo..

Now, normally people say congratulations without hesitation and give you a lovely gift or a bottle of wine and all.. especially when you reach a milestone like 20 years. However, I said it was the 20th Anniversary of my day as a bride.. not my 20th Anniversary.

We’ve been apart for 5 years now.. we separated just a few days before our 15th wedding anniversary and divorced about a year later. 

And of course, with any breakup, there’s hurt, anger, disappointment, tears, more anger, blame, yelling, silence, more tears… and after a while.. relief. And peace. At least in our situation.

I spoke with my ex husband briefly today on the phone and I did wish him a Happy Anniversary on the phone.  I’m pretty sure he had forgotten what day it was.. but at least being an “ex” he had no responsibility to remember (although he may have even if we were still married anyway.. )

The day Jamie and I were married was the Friday of the Thanksgiving weekend. I had a big white dress and big curly 80’s hair and Jamie wore a tux and cowboy boots and he too had big curly 80’s hair and a Burton Cummings porn stache.  All of our friends and family were there.. we had a great band.. the groom sang most of the night, there were a lot of great speeches and all in all it was a ton of fun.

So it’s a little sad that we aren’t together to celebrate 20 years… but I still think it’s still appropriate to consider this a “happy” anniversary.

As a result of that day 20 years ago, we had many good years together, produced two beautiful children, and many terrific memories.  Sure, we had our share of misfortune, fights and “bad” times.. and unfortunately we couldn’t get past all of what we went through.

But that’s okay.

We are who we are and where we are because of our life experiences. And really, I’m in a pretty good place right now I think.. and so is he. And most importantly, so are our  kids.

So, I think it is a Happy Anniversary of sorts.  Because regardless of our marital split, we’re still co-parents.. and although we aren’t a conventional family, we’re still family.

And I think that’s pretty cool.

Happy Anniversary Jamie. It’s all good.

Life: It’s looking good!
Love: Skip to the next one. Nothing to report at this time.
Pants: My pants are too big.. just sayin’.

I Just Proved Washroom Advertising Works.

I’m thinking of plastering ads all over the stalls of washrooms as I’ve discovered that it’s very effective and hopefully I can use it to spread my message throughout the land.line

Here’s what started the whole thing.. Jodi the BFF (that stands for best friend forever, in case you’re a boy or you’ve been living in a cave) and myself decided to try to have some adventure this past weekend. We wanted to go new places, meet new people.. perhaps meet some cute boys.

We elected on Friday night to head up the road to what we had heard was a “street dance”. The road is only a few blocks away and since we planned to have a couple of cold ones, we started walking. And walking. And walked some more. In cheapass Old Navy flip flops. So it sucked.

After about nearly an hour of unintentional exercise we realized that this “street dance” was much further away than we had thought, called it quits, decided to pop into the first watering hole we came to and just grab a bevvy there. The establishment we chose had the unfortunate moniker of “The Barn”. Long story short, it lived up to its name.

We grabbed a table on the patio and shortly after sitting down a guy came over and asked to share the space. Since we’re friendly types we agreed. He explained that he was married and out for a bit with the boys.. who were “hitting on chicks” .. he just wanted to sit and relax so figured he’d “safe” with us.

it's a banana guard. don't worry it will make sense soon.

it's a banana guard. don't worry it will make sense soon.

Safe? With us? ‘Splain please…

Well, dumbass buddy here proceeded to tell us that he had assumed we were lesbians.

First, let me tell you that neither myself nor Jodi has anything against anyone who is gay. We have gay friends. We don’t care, don’t judge. However, we are not gay. We are very heterosexual. We like boys.

Dumbass’s Buddy’s theory was basically that two women “our age” out together for drinks on a Friday = gay. This theory also included the fact that we were casually dressed and not all tarted up for the bar like most of the whores girls who were in there.

We're on a boat.....

We're on a boat.....

Aside from being unimpressed with this “theory” not to mention the delivery (he was a jerk..) we had to wonder if others thought the same thing.  Needless to say we discussed at length why on earth would he or any other guy think that we were lesbians. 

After all, even though we live together we have separate rooms thankssomuch .. and sure, we have matching tattoos but that’s a “best friend” thing.. yes and we call ourselves each other’s “heterosexual life partners” (SEE? HETEROSEXUAL!) .. and of course, I joke that I make Jodi a really good wife – but that’s because I do the cooking…. and we didn’t REALLY change our last name to Warrcrookens (Warren and Crooks smashed together..)…  Not only that, we have NEVER changed our Facebook statuses to reflect “In A Relationship…” 

The rest of the weekend we did bunches of fun things like go for a drive, get ice cream, went to a bar that’s on a boat.. went to a parade and saw a clown band and shriners in little cars… rummaged through some antique stores and various shops.. found a place that sells “banana guards” (they’re for protection..) .. ate good food, went to a restaurant or two. You know, all things you’d do with your significant other best friend.

We even made a little trip to Niagara On the Lake to punch  play tourists. Wandered about, looked in shops and eventually stopped at a pub for a snack and a pint.

Mmmm delicious beer...

Perhaps it's the wife beater..??

When the waitress came to take our order we immediately bantered back and forth and played the “I-don’t-care-either-way-you-decide-cause-I’m-not-super-hungry” game until I finally uttered something about how I had to do everything, and Jodi shouldn’t worry her pretty little head or something like that and ordered for us both.

And after our moment bickering like an old married couple I said “crap. no wonder people think we’re gay.” And we laughed. Not the snide sarcastic laugh we usually use when mocking others but the big outdoor laughs we use when mocking ourselves.

Then we finished our snack and decided to hit the restroom before leaving.

I went into a stall and started reading the graffiti as I’m wont to do.. and read aloud the following:

“STAY AWAY FROM BARB W****** 519-578-****. SHE WILL *blank*, *blank* AND STEAL YOUR HUSBAND”

A couple of things happened then.. we realized we weren’t alone in the washroom as others expoded with laughter when we did. And I recognized that the phone number was in Kitchener. And I think I know this Barb chick.

We commented that everyone who goes in there likely reads that and then re-tells everyone at their table so often that  BARB W****** is likely becoming an urban legend. And has likely had to change her phone number.

And so it struck me  that perhaps this could be a great way of letting people know that BFF & I are not a “couple”…  you know, just casually go into some washrooms and write “Beth and Jodi both like boys” on the walls…. or we could go with the classic “for a good time…” but that seems too.. uh, slutty whorish mercenary over the top.  Plus there’s the little problem of getting into the men’s washrooms to write it.

And writing it in the womens’ washrooms I somehow don’t think is the answer.

But after some research I’ve determined the washroom advertising isn’t the answer.. after all, I looked Barb W****** up on Canada411 and she still has the same number – hasn’t had to change it due to the barrage of calls obviously.  Apparently the “ad campaign” wasn’t as effective after all. 

Jodi and I will just have to try harder to appear less “couple-y” I guess. And perhaps stop holding hands in public. 😉

Life: Got some stuff going on, mojo workin… we’ll let ya know.
Love: You’re kidding, right?  I really did look up Barb and found her address and everything. Perhaps I should call her for hints as she seems to have no trouble with the guys.
p.s. Jodi gets plenty of dates.. I’m the one who’s dating my laptop. LOL.
Pants: Working hard but also eating hard. Again – will keep you posted.

Lab Rats, Bad Hair and World Domination

I often maintain that my ultimate goal is world domination. Kinda like Pinky and the Brain.“What’re we going to do tonight, Brain?” “Same thing we do every night, Pinky.  Try to take over the world.”

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so."

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so."

And although I am kind of short, my plans aren’t usually thwarted by being a lab rat. I have opposable thumbs.. of reasonable stature.. I’m something of an evil genius.. obviously I have a lot going for me…. not being an experimental rodent and all.

So, you ask, WHY have I not succeeded in this lofty goal? Why have I not completed my quest for world domination and ultimate supremacy?

Three words: Bad hair days.

Pinky and the Brain have time. They don’t have hair. They have fur. Far more manageable. No fussing about allows them time to work on their evil plans.  Me? Not so lucky.

I have tempermental hair. It’s a struggle. Today for instance.. My bangs were all wonky and I tried to re-do them a few times by wetting them and re-drying them but it was no use. They still looked dumb. They went all “flippy”. So instead of getting on with aligning my very own “axis of evil” I had to break out the straightener.

I believe this to be why most world leaders are male. They don’t give a crap about their hair. Think about it. Winston Churchill? He did not spend any time on that lid. Gorbachev? Really. Look at it.  No effort at all there.

There’s a reason why Khomeini wore the headgear, same with Che Guevara and Castro. It’s not all about fashion or religious stuff.. it was to hide the bad hair, I’m convinced.  They neglected their appearances and thus had far more time for socio-political activity.

     "Dude, seriously, saves me SO much time in the AM" "I gotta get a hat..."

"Dude, seriously, saves me SO much time in the AM" "I gotta get a hat..."

Don’t even try to bring up Margaret Thatcher with me. THAT hairdo was not stellar. I read on the interwebs that it was actually a hat made of horsehair. It’s why it never moved. Here’s the bottom line:  Women have SO MUCH MORE to do than men that the “taking over the world” thing winds up on the end of the list.

We don’t JUST have hair, but make-up, picking out the cute shoes… nails.. lots of other things. Not to mention everything else we do.. birthing babies, making dinner, cleaning up after everyone else in the family..  wiping up various bodily functions expelled by kids and pets, shopping for everyone in the family, putting together Hallowe’en costumes, breaking up fights, driving people around.

Women already have to be chauffeurs, cooks, cleaners, doctors, police, negotiators, public relations officials, wardens, financial advisors, comedians, actors, and mechanics.. just to shortlist it. AND we like to look good doing it, so we must also be beauticians.

Hence, why my bad hair has prevented me from my destiny of being either supreme leader.. or perhaps a game show host.  Instead of recruiting minions,  I was busy getting pretty.

I gotta go. I think I left the straightener on…

Life: Labour Day weekend.. fun for all!
Love: No comment.
Pants: Still working on it. No weight loss as for all the working out I do, I reward myself with licorice and wine. *sigh*

Are you a Betty or a Veronica? (or Why Nice Girls May Not Always Finish Last..)

Archie Andrews has really let me down.  He is dead to me.

Yes, I know he’s a comic book character. But still… archiebettyveronica

The Betty/Archie/Veronica love triangle has been going on for 70 years.  Seriously.  (Wow, they still look pretty good for their ages.)  However, why on earth would any self respecting woman wait around for SEVENTY years?  Oh yeah, they’re fictitious. But I digress..

When I was young, my sister and I had Archie paper dolls and we ALWAYS paired Reggie with Veronica and Betty & Archie.  Each time I’d read a comic, I’d hope that Archie finally came to his senses and would pick Betty over Veronica.  After all, Veronica’s kind of a bitch.  That, and I had some kind of weird “matching” thing in my head where dark haired people should pair with dark haired people and lighter haired people with other light haired people.

Hey, I was a kid. I have no idea where I got this weird theory. I also believed that people kept growing until they were giants. Again, another flawed theory. But to get back on track….

Here’s the thing…. Most women I know are either a “Betty” or a “Veronica”.  Think about it.  You have the popular chick that is gorgeous and guys follow her around and she treats them like they all should be doing her bidding. Then you have the girls who are “buddies” with all the guys… the guys love her.. but as their pal. 

Veronicas are damsels in distress, high maintenance and kind of a pain in the butt.. yet somehow always seem to have guys flocking about offering to buy her Cosmopolitans.  Bettys can put oil in the car, operate power tools and play touch football with the guys.. sometimes better than the guys.. and she can take care of herself…and pays for her own beer.  Bettys don’t need rescuing like Veronicas do.

When you outright ASK guys “Betty or Veronica?” they nearly ALWAYS say “Betty”.   It’s not based on looks or hair colour…. (seriously, have you never noticed that they are identical except for hairdo?  By the way, this should not be confused with the Wilma Flintstone vs. Betty Rubble discussion which is entirely different and I believe hair colour may play a part in that one. That, and Betty Rubble seems less uptight..another post perhaps..  )… they SAY that they prefer Betty because she is sweet and nice and genuinely cares for Archie.

Then you see them out with a Veronica.  The hot chick. The one Bettys want to kick in the china.  You know who I mean.

Everyone  knows a guy who’s hung up on some chick who treats him like crap. Yet, he worships the ground she walks on for some insane reason. In REAL LIFE there’s always a Veronica.  Why?  Guys are competitive, cavemen types.  They WANT to be the problem solvers, the knights in shining armour. So when Veronica treats them like garbage and ditches him for a Reggie, it’s a challenge they feel they must tackle.. like a mountain to climb, or eating the 32 oz steak at “Big Mike’s House of Meat”…

From a physical standpoint (dark hair and all..) I’d be more of a Veronica.. but no…. I’m a Betty.  I’m always the guy’s “buddy”.  I’m the one guys come talk to when their Veronica is ignoring them.  I’m the chick that makes the guy feel better, they love to be around.. they flirt with.. but “don’t want to ruin the friendship”… and think I’m a “great girl”…..and then they introduce me to their new girlfriend. Who is a Veronica.

*Sigh*

Regardless, what is so great about Archie anyway?  He can barely hold down a job, he has a tic-tac-toe grid etched into the side of his head, drives a crap car and he’s always getting into some mess.  And he’s totally hung up on Veronica. Whatever. Yeah so he’s nice and honest and stuff… but.. he’s still hung up on the Veronica.

Personally, looking at the Archie and Veronica engagement… I don’t think it will last. Sure, Veronica is saying yes now, but you KNOW she’s going to end up in some tryst with Reggie at some point because all Veronicas have that “love of bad boys” thing going on as well…  

And Archie will realize that he’s made the wrong decision and try to go crawling back to Betty.. However, it would serve him right if she wasn’t still waiting around for him and had left Riverdale all together for some super adventure in some other fictitious town ..say, Washington or San Luis Obispo…  or run off with Dilton Doiley .. who is likely the next Bill Gates (you know how we Bettys love the smart boys…)

But, what is  Betty’s biggest fault and what also makes her so loveable..  Bettys are too “nice”. So maybe she’ll take Archie back.

And therefore I hope that in comics and in real life, my poll is correct, and boys really DO pick the Bettys of the world.   Which I wouldn’t really call finishing last as much as being loyal.. and yes, nice.

Life: these people are fictitious. THEY HAVE NO LIFE.  But apparently neither do I blogging about comics..
Love: Archie loves Veronica. Really? REALLY?
Pants: I split open my new pants tonight. That’s another post involving adventure and tornados.. stay tuned…

Fill in the Blank

From my friend Kyle (@IknowKyleFord) who is super awesome.  Another one of those fill in the blank quiz things that I seem to enjoy… No, I don’t know why….

Me, Josh and Jodi on an adventure...

Me, Josh and Jodi on an adventure...

My ex… is one of my best friends. Took a while, but it’s all good.  I call him Fernando in the blog, but it’s an alias. Sometimes I call him Paco.
Maybe I should…make a list of what I will do today…pick out an outfit for tomorrow.. take the dog for a big walk.. write some stuff.. do some research.. finish writing that article. Hey, I think I just made my list.
I love…my puppy. Oh, and my kids.
People would say that I’m…mildly amusing and very goofy.
I don’t understand…ignorance. Or why people like Coldplay.
When I wake up in the morning…I wish I had a coffeemaker beside my bed like in a hotel.
Life is full of… adventure. And liquor ….and chocolate.
My past is…the past….let it go, dude.
Parties are…fun. And often a source of photos you don’t want posted on Facebook. You, I mean.  That has never happened to me. I have no idea what you are talking about so you can stop now.
I wish…something.. but it’s a secret. 😉  Saw 2 shooting stars last night. Yes, I’m superstitious. Sue me.
Tomorrow…is Friday already! Woot!
I have low tolerance…for the stupidity of others.
I am totally terrified of…something bad happening to someone I love.
If I had a million dollars…I’d put some away for my kids, and move closer to them. And start a business with BFF Jodi.  And have a kickass party.
I am…tired of waiting. (I love you, Trews..)
My home is…where my heart is.
My best friend…is pretty freakin’ awesome.
My parents taught me…everything I know about life.  Including not running with scissors, no swimming within an hour of eating and how to judo flip someone.
Every day…I take my dog for a walk.  And laugh.
My life… is anything but dull
If I found out my ex was gay…I’d set him up. LOL.
Boys are… only attracted to me if they live several hours away.  A minimum 150km radius must be maintained at all times.
Girls are… fun…. if you like that sort of thing.
I hate people who…are prejudiced.
Last November…I was still in Barrie and hating my life pretty much.
Hickory Dickory Dock…is a very strange nursery rhyme.  I will not satisfy the 12 year old in you by making this sentence rhyme in a dirty way. In fact. No rhyming at all. I’m done with this.
The best invention ever…Coffee.
I love it when… people get what they deserve – Karma’s a bitch.
Sometimes I…wonder what things would have been like if I HAD gone to med school…
I work…at it.
GO…uh, rest high on that mountain..? GO …Train?  I don’t get it.
God…is cool.
Jesus…also rocks.
Buddha…is a chubby guy. Should cut down on the carbs… Jodi has a statue of him in the backyard.
My dream last night…about something involving me showing up for a tv show in my workout gear.
My first thought waking up…why can’t you teach a dog to make coffee…?
Today I ate…hard boiled eggs, water, coffee

Sometimes I swear…: more than I should.. don’t tell my mom.
As a child, I…liked to play with the boys. 😉
The world could do with less…hate.

Life: It’s all good
Love: *sigh* Do you even have to ask?
Pants: today, I am wearing workout shorts. all good.

Just Call Me the Crazy Dog Lady…

mochaI fear I’m becoming obsessed with my dog.

Last week I was meeting my BFF Carmen for drinks and a little business and she introduced me to her friend. After chatting for a bit I said to them both .. “want to see a picture of my dog?”  to which they both responding with gales of laughter. 

Mocha is being a good girl in order to score the Timbits.

Mocha is being a good girl in order to score the Timbits.

Apparently previous to my arrival my lovely dear friend who I shall call Carmen (as that is her real name) had a gentleman’s bet regarding how long it would take before I asked that very question.  I believe it was “if you are friends with Beth, you will see many pictures of her dog”. 

Uh, and what’s wrong with that? My dog is very cute and looks like a stuffed animal. I don’t see a problem with this at all.  I am merely sharing the joy of Mocha the Wonderdog.

She’s fluffy and cuddly and awfully cute. Which is a good thing. Because she is mostly kind of evil.

About 3 years ago, I was THINKING about getting a dog.. but was going to wait till the fall since it was a particularly busy summer. Of course, once I mentioned to a couple of friends that I was THINKING about it, they took this to mean “we should find Beth a dog immediately..” or something along that line.

So one day I get a call… saying I HAVE to take this dog or she’s going to be put down or there will be an apocalypse or something worse. I agreed to go see the dog.

She's going after those Timbits..

She's going after those Timbits..

A lady in Cambridge had this dog (who she called Peanut, which is a stupid dog name. Mostly because I was bit on the nose by a pomeranian named Peanut who was nasty and I hope is roasting in doggie hell. Ok, I don’t. But it was still a nasty dog and it’s a dumb name).  Marie couldn’t keep the dog because she had to move and couldn’t take the dog. Marie just wanted her to have a good home so was giving her away.

My two friends who convinced me to take this dog said that she was a little aggressive, but they would train her. And groom her forever for free.

We got to Marie’s house and she was outside with the dog. The loudest, barkiest dog ever. BFF Jodi came with.. and son Josh.  Jodi and I looked at each other and were both thinking the same thing.  This dog is insane.

Marie proceeded to tell me that prior to her getting the dog, Peanut had been with her sister and brother-in-law and that he was a jerk who kicked the dogs.  Plus, puppy didn’t get out during the day much and was usually caged so wasn’t socialized well. Oh, and she was crazy (ok, Marie didn’t say that, but it’s true).

Here’s the thing. Josh came.  Josh who loves all animals and really wanted me to get a dog. Josh who all animals pretty much love him. Josh who immediately became this dog’s best friend.  My son Josh who has an extremely big heart. And who can kind of talk me into pretty much anything.  *sigh*

We loaded “Peanut” and food and cage into the car and went home.

First order of business was to change her name. I may have mentioned, Peanut is a stupid dog name. We discussed her colour and such and eventually came up with Mocha. We liked it. It stuck.

the day we got her..

the day we got her..

Now, once she was at my house, she was very friendly to us.  Very sweet and cuddly.. followed Josh everywhere.. she was very nice.  And she still is. Friendliest dog in the world. ONCE SHE KNOWS YOU.

However, until that happens she is a pain in the rear end. Her favourite past time is now sitting in the front window and barking at people. She also enjoys barking at people who come to the door. And barking at people walking on the sidewalk. Or getting into their cars. Or barking at sounds she hears that may or may not be intruders.  Needless to say, she’s a good watchdog.  However, if you ever meet her,  ignore her. DO NOT try to be her friend. Once she knows you’re OK, she will make friends with you. However, consider this your official warning.

The warning is this. Once she likes you, she’s a big whore. She will have to sit on your lap and be your best friend and thereby shed on you and love you.  Which is why I love her.

Oh, in case you were wondering.. the training thing never worked out.. hence the barkiness. Because I suck at dog training. Just so you know. (Can that Caesar Dog Whisperer guy come over…?)

However, now it appears that since it’s just been me and Mocha for the last few months, that I may have gotten a little over the top with her. I mean, I don’t think it’s SO bad that I take pictures of her every day.. but I suppose it’s bad that I have more pics of her than my children.. and that I get her treats at Tim Horton’s all the time. (Hey, she has to EARN them…)

Obviously, I have been alone with the dog too long. But it could be worse.. I haven’t started dressing her in fancy outfits or letting her eat at the table.  And as cute as she is, if you see me dressing her up in a ballerina costume, you have permission to perform an intervention.

After all, she’s supposed to be the crazy one. 😉

Life: Not bad.. not bad at all
Love: I love my dog. She is a bed hog, however.
Pants: Mocha and I have been walking every day.. so far so good.