I’m not a sharer.
I know it seems strange for me to say that considering I’ve spent the last year chronicling my life on the internet. But I’m really not.
I’m an excellent actress. Far more than most realize. Despite my outward appearance of joviality, I don’t share my feelings with many.. and not often. I sometimes push all my bad feelings down so that no one knows there are there except for me…. putting on the face of a permanently happy girl. And to tell the truth, I am more happy than not.. but.. I’m babbling now…
photo by Heather Meyers Photography
What brought this on, you ask? New Year’s Eve. It is one of my least favourite holidays of the year.
It’s always been somewhat depressing for me.. it’s the end of Christmas, after all. Time to leave that magical time behind, take down the tree and head back to work or school or what have you. Depressing as all fuck.
I’ve never been one to revel in Auld Lang Syne and kiss a bunch of strangers…
I mean, I’ve had some good New Year’s Eves.. as a kid I remember trying to stay up till midnight and watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and dancing around.. as a teen there were a few parties.. as an adult, I often worked the night. For years I DJ’d at the Owen Sound Greys Hockey dance… it was actually quite fun. My husband (at the time) Jamie and I would go up there.. I’d play tunes.. we’d dance… have some food and enjoy ourselves.
The big Y2K New Year’s was spent in Marathon, Ontario. It’s north.. very north.. near Thunder Bay. Hey, if the world’s going to end, might as well be in God’s country, right? No, actually, Jamie was gigging .. what was supposed to be a huge party turned into about 40 people as many stayed home.. afraid of the impending doom. We still had a great time.. afterward all of us went back to our hotel.. we were the ONLY people staying there.. not even any staff!! They just left the door of the Best Western open for us.. we stayed up a bit, had some drinks and had a blast.
A couple of years ago we just stayed home.. me, Katy and Josh, BFF Jodi, Alyssa (Katy’s BFF) and Katy’s boyfriend at the time.. we karaoke’d.. had some drinks and decided to go out and slide on the ice rink next door.. much hilarity ensued, as did some somewhat embarrassing photos (“we were outside?” said Jodi….) and soaked clothing from falling in the snow.. but it was fun.
However, most years I choose to lay low.. I’ve tried to go to the bar or the dance or what have you, but I find it a downer.
Which brings me to the sharing part..
Last year was the worst New Year’s of my life. And unfortunately I let that colour much of the year.
I don’t want to go into detail… I’m saving that for the book, after all.. more on that later… but suffice to say, I was assaulted. I’m fine. Really. Finally. Justice has been served. It’s all good. And no, other than that, I don’t want to talk about it. It seemed a rather cruel joke by the Universe seeing as I had just suffered a year of moving, lost love and losing my job. The ultimate capper to a horrible year.
Unfortunately, after this happened, I shut down and spent the better part of a month hiding in my house. It was what I needed to do at the time. Several very close and good friends helped me through it. But it still affected me. Of course. I lost a lot of self confidence, self worth…. and chose to deal with it in not very constructive ways.. usually involving wine and crying.
However, the point of this is to not make everyone feel sorry for me.. because they shouldn’t. I told you already.. It’s all good.
The point of this is that although it took me many months, I finally started turning things around.
This past year wasn’t a banner year. But there were a lot of very good things that happened. I made a lot of new friends.. many of them through social media channels. I finally realized that what I want to be when I grow up .. is a writer. I started writing a book.. not done yet.. but soon. I reconnected with many people from my past who meant a lot to me.. Avril.. Wayne.. many many from high school…
Lost some people from my life as well.. some died.. some… I had to remove from my life for self preservation.
I fell in love this year. No, I’m not telling you with whom. But it didn’t.. and won’t.. work out. He knows. And he loves me too and remains an important part of my life. So it’s still a good thing.
I saw many concerts.. AC/DC, Bob Dylan, Springsteen.. to name a few.. things on the bucket list.. I had many people who loved me help me when things were really not good.. Jodi, Trevor.. my family.. even my ex-husband Jamie has been a wealth of support and friendship. Yes, we are an unusual pair.
Despite the pain, I had a lot of laughter. Many good times with friends. I loved and enjoyed them all.
I did actually accomplish a few of my resolutions from last year.. so I believe that to be progress. I’ve recently started an exciting new career adventure.. And my children continue to amuse me, amaze me and provide me with unconditional love. They are two of the finest people I know.
What started so horribly has turned out quite well I think. I can honestly say that I am actually happy … that’s taken me a long time to accomplish, truthfully. But I am. There’s always room for more happiness though.. and more laughter.. And I’ve learned the past helps shape who you are, but does not control your future.
My best Christmas gift this year was a card. It was from my parents. In summary, it was to tell me how proud they are of me and how strong I am. Best gift ever.
I’m actually looking forward to this New Year’s Eve. I am spending it surrounded by people I care about and who care about me. It will be low key and quiet. Which is just fine.
So if you are reading this.. you likely have affected my life whether you know it or not. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for being there for me.. you mean a lot to me.. My wish for you for 2010 is love, peace, happiness, contentment and much joy and laughter.
And I wish that for me, too.
Because 2010 is my year for a new beginning. It’s the year of the Tiger. I’m going to grab the tiger by the tail…
Life: All good.
Love: I love you all very much.
Pants: Yes, I will be wearing pants this evening. Thanks for asking..