Tag Archives: online dating

The LOVE Section…

I’ve been writing this blog for over a year now.. well, a year and 2 days.. Actually meant to post on the anniversary, but you know.. got all distracted by shiny things and .. hey! LOOK A PUPPY!!

Part of the reason for starting the darned thing was to keep myself amused.. that and I like writing.. and also to keep track of my “resolutions” of sorts that I made a year ago..

As you may or may not recall, there were several.. one of which was that I had hoped during the past year, that I might find myself in a relationship perhaps, maybe..

But here’s the thing.. I don’t actually MEET people.  I mean, I don’t get out much (you only get so many weekend passes from the home..)  And sincerely, I don’t know where you’d go to meet people.. it’s tough, really.

I’ve tried the online dating thing.. and well, yeah.  I mean, I’m pretty honest about my profile.. I had friends read it and they’ve said it’s a fairly accurate representation of who I am.. I stated what I feel are my good qualities.. and owned up to some negative ones.. I mean, no one is perfect, obviously.. but .. I do think I’m a pretty decent, fun type of chick.. And I’ve been told I’m not bad to look at…

On the negative side.. I’m quite loud and sarcastic (not mean to those less fortunate or anything) and some men really don’t know how to “handle” me (so I’m told…)  I guess sometimes I don’t have a filter and I call people on their shit.. or I’m just.. loud and slightly insane and others can’t quite handle it.  Too smart for my own good is what my mother would call it.

So, here is the profile…

I am happy, funny, articulate, generous, very goofy, smart, sexy, loving, erudite, cheerful, giving, open, somewhat attractive I think, sensual, intuitive, a great cook and baker, artistic, a great public speaker, forgiving, honest, slightly insane in a good way, super fun, passionate, severely right handed, not really a girly girl, understanding, freakishly logical, a bit of a tomboy, a good dancer, a home handy man, animals and children love me, I try to see the good in everyone… and I’m fun. But I think I said that already.

I am very smart and enjoy the mental exchange far more than anything. I appreciate the fact that not all are as into computer stuff as I am.. but.. If you try to engage me with a brief sentence or profile.. We likely won’t hit it off. Just sayin’ I like interesting conversation, whether it’s through messaging and text.. or in person. But if I’m not mentally engaged.. it won’t happen.. I’m a writer, after all.. I enjoy the written word…

I like boys with brains. And funny. Wit and intelligence are paramount. But if you’re hot.. that’s a bonus. (please note my earlier reference to sarcasm.. ) however, although I don’t have a specific “look” that I like, I do like men with nice teeth. yes, it’s a weird thing.

I’ll let you know how this little experiment goes… I will tell you this.. if a guy asks what “erudite” means.. he won’t be getting a reply..  I’ll be busy looking at that puppy…

Life: all good
Love: Dudes, like, did you not just read that?
Pants: so many jokes to be made here about how I’m the only one who takes them off.. but, I won’t.. just in case my mother reads this. Oh, wait, she’ll like that. NVM…

How to Get Blocked in 8 Simple Steps!

Once again, I must preface the post with the warning.. “If you are my Mother, do NOT read this. No, really Mom.. there are just some things you don’t want to know, being the good Catholic woman that you are. So, seriously, go make a Sanka and watch some Coronation Street and forget that you ever even came across this blog post, okay? Because you really shouldn’t read it. K? K. Love you!”

No, seriously Mother. STOP NOW.dude

Well,  now that I have that out of the way….

Over the weekend I received a “friend request” on Facebook.  Not unusual, per se. I receive usually a few a week.. many people that I know through the music business or friends of friends.. some that I’ve met through Twitter.. that sort of thing.

So when I receive a request from someone I don’t immediately recognize, I merely investigate their profile.. see who or what we have in common and determine whether or not I really want to befriend this person. 

Mind you,  I have various levels of “friendship”.. if you’re reading this now, that likely means you can read my links,etc., and therefore you likely have full access. I have multiple levels of access.. some can’t see my wall posts.. some can’t see any pictures.. things like that. Just depends.  And sometimes statuses change dependant upon our interaction.

That being said, I didn’t look too closely at Buddy’s profile.. he looked kind of familiar although I didn’t recognize the name , but I still added him.

Almost immediately the IM chatty thing opened up and Buddy started yacking.   Mostly inane chatter.. the usual crap. I asked if his FB name was his “real” name.. it was not, and he told me his proper handle.  And then whilst we chatted it hit me.. this was a guy I had met online through a dating site.. we met once about 4 years ago.  Emphasis on the ONCE.

We met for a drink… it didn’t go extremely well.. I had absolutely no interest and ceased contact. And quit with the online dating.

Once I made the connection I tried to gracefully get out of the conversation without looking like a complete and utter bitch.  I’m not a fan of hurting anyone’s feelings, regardless of how jerky I might think they are.. so I merely chose to hit the “ignore” button for a bit.. and then said I had to go. 

And then the messages started.  There were several. And based on Buddy’s profile and his messages,  I have created a list of actions you can perform in order to be immediately blocked on Facebook, Twitter or any other Social Media site or application.

How to Get Me to Block You in 8 Simple Steps

1. Please let me know that you have creeped all of my Facebook photos and have enjoyed them in an intimate way. Especially if I really don’t know you very well. Really, it’s charming and endearing. Not creepy or disturbing at all.

2. Use an alias. Nothing says forthcoming and upstanding like not using your own name. Again, not at all unsettling or suspicious.

3. Include in your profile a lot of shots of just your torso.  No head, just neck to very, very close to south of the border. HAWT. Chicks dig it.

4. Only have girls on your friends list. This does indeed show me that you are a ladies man. And that you apparently were beat up by all the other guys in school and therefore have no real friends. It’s just a theory.

5. Ensure that you have all the “cool” applications like “Babe of the Day” and “Hot or Not” installed on your Facebook page. This is really impressive and again is an indicator of your extreme hawt-ness and likeability.  Also take all the cool quizzes.. start with “What Kind of Lover Are You” and work your way up.

6.  When contacting me by chat or messaging, please indicate that you had a very hard time getting to sleep after we chatted because you were thinking of me in special and intimate ways.  This is of course even though we don’t know each other and I have given you absolutely no indication that I find you attractive in the least. 

7. Please refrain from discussing anything remotely interesting.  Keep all topics of conversation confined to what I look like, my various physical attributes and what affect they may have on the fit of your pants.

8. Go try this on some other chick, because frankly, I’ve already unfriended you.. you will never read this… and I have no interest in chatting with you again.  Seriously, dude. I have no idea if this actually ever works for you or not, but I’m thinking not.  Either that or you end up dating a lot of girls whose IQ’s range in the double digits. 

Addendum. #9. (courtesy of the lovely and talented Lea Cater  — @leannecater)  I would add step #9 “when I tell you I’m seeing someone & there4 can’t date you, call me a LIAR! And demand details as proof 😉

Suffice to say, Buddy and I are no longer “friends”.  (Insert ironic sad face icon here)

And people wonder why I’m still single.

Life: All in all going all right.
Pants: doing up the belt a little tighter these days… good news..

Smart and Funny Required. Idiots and Dumbasses need not apply………

Well I had no one to kiss at midnight on New Year’s. Sure, I had my BFF Jodi…. and Mocha the wonderdog, but it’s just not the same thing.

Unfortunately, I have been “unattached” for a while now…… I was married for 15 years.. then had a steady boyfriend (who I shall call Fernando – he likes it, I already checked….) for over 3 years. When I decided to move to Central Ontario, Fernando was not too impressed. Originally it seemed as if he might join me, but after 6 months apart, things just weren’t working out and he broke it off.

So, after my broken heart healed up a bit, I thought perhaps I’d enjoy some male companionship. However, I worked all the time…. and didn’t ever meet anyone….. and so spent all my nights alone…… What’s a girl to do?

Well, being the computer geek that I am, I thought why not try the online thing…? Soooooooo found a decent picture of myself, wrote some funny stuff, and posted a profile. And waited… but not for long….. I soon after starting getting emails from guys who apparently found me attractive. Super. Except for the fact that I did NOT find THEM attractive.

Listen, I’m not totally into money or cars or whatever. I am not super obsessed with the looks thing. Like, I like a good looking guy as much as the next cougar.. but I find really unusual guys attractive. I like funny and smart. As long as buddy’s not hideous, I’m okay with that. As long as they can hold up their end of the conversation and make me laugh fairly regularly, we’re good. But SERIOUSLY people.. some of these guys… it’s not even so much what they look like, it’s the fact that some of these guys are just not right. Not Mr. Right, Not-Right-For-Me… just not right in the head.

I think I’m reasonably good looking for my age.. I’m pretty charming and funny and intelligent. So WHY are all these OLD MEN contacting me??? Who are these 4o somethings who look like they’re one of my parents’ friends??? And who in the name of sweet baby Jesus do they think they are?? In their emails they abuse such words as “handsome” and “smart” to describe themselves. They then proceed to send me poorly written, monosyllabic emails and apparently expect me to likely swoon and let them ravage me.

Please enjoy a real email I received from someone who was interested in chatting… I did not make this up. This isn’t even the “best” one:

hello there fun love to have i find humur in most things and yes i rock out to most music but i must say i love led zepplin the best i also love the outdoors camping canoeing having a few by the fire with some good jokes if i have sparked an intrest drop me a line or 2 .

I’m sure you can imagine the speed at which I responded to that. Typing so fast that the keyboard nearly started on fire. Riiiiiiiiiight. Did buddy really expect me to respond? My profile said I wanted SMART and FUNNY. Apparently in cyber world this translates to “I am looking for pretty much illiterate and still wearing the mullett he grew in high school”.

Then of course there are the REALLY great catches.. the sex machines. The guys who email something reasonably entertaining and then once you start chatting with them on MSN… yikes! Normal conversation is “hey, how are ya? what’s your favourite colour? Do you like dogs?” Not, “I want to dom you.. want to cam?” Just the kind of guy you want to take home to mother.

Sure, I’ve made a few online friends.. and there’s still a couple of them I continue to talk to on MSN, so you never know. But on the whole, I guess it’s just not for me. Therefore I hereby tender my resignation from internet dating. I’ve decided to go back to meeting boys the old fashioned way…. at the bar.

Life: Nothing to report
Love: Did you not read the above? Nothing to see here…..
Pants: Still down 4 lbs. However, I am starving.