Well I had no one to kiss at midnight on New Year’s. Sure, I had my BFF Jodi…. and Mocha the wonderdog, but it’s just not the same thing.
Unfortunately, I have been “unattached” for a while now…… I was married for 15 years.. then had a steady boyfriend (who I shall call Fernando – he likes it, I already checked….) for over 3 years. When I decided to move to Central Ontario, Fernando was not too impressed. Originally it seemed as if he might join me, but after 6 months apart, things just weren’t working out and he broke it off.
So, after my broken heart healed up a bit, I thought perhaps I’d enjoy some male companionship. However, I worked all the time…. and didn’t ever meet anyone….. and so spent all my nights alone…… What’s a girl to do?
Well, being the computer geek that I am, I thought why not try the online thing…? Soooooooo found a decent picture of myself, wrote some funny stuff, and posted a profile. And waited… but not for long….. I soon after starting getting emails from guys who apparently found me attractive. Super. Except for the fact that I did NOT find THEM attractive.
Listen, I’m not totally into money or cars or whatever. I am not super obsessed with the looks thing. Like, I like a good looking guy as much as the next cougar.. but I find really unusual guys attractive. I like funny and smart. As long as buddy’s not hideous, I’m okay with that. As long as they can hold up their end of the conversation and make me laugh fairly regularly, we’re good. But SERIOUSLY people.. some of these guys… it’s not even so much what they look like, it’s the fact that some of these guys are just not right. Not Mr. Right, Not-Right-For-Me… just not right in the head.
I think I’m reasonably good looking for my age.. I’m pretty charming and funny and intelligent. So WHY are all these OLD MEN contacting me??? Who are these 4o somethings who look like they’re one of my parents’ friends??? And who in the name of sweet baby Jesus do they think they are?? In their emails they abuse such words as “handsome” and “smart” to describe themselves. They then proceed to send me poorly written, monosyllabic emails and apparently expect me to likely swoon and let them ravage me.
Please enjoy a real email I received from someone who was interested in chatting… I did not make this up. This isn’t even the “best” one:
hello there fun love to have i find humur in most things and yes i rock out to most music but i must say i love led zepplin the best i also love the outdoors camping canoeing having a few by the fire with some good jokes if i have sparked an intrest drop me a line or 2 .
I’m sure you can imagine the speed at which I responded to that. Typing so fast that the keyboard nearly started on fire. Riiiiiiiiiight. Did buddy really expect me to respond? My profile said I wanted SMART and FUNNY. Apparently in cyber world this translates to “I am looking for pretty much illiterate and still wearing the mullett he grew in high school”.
Then of course there are the REALLY great catches.. the sex machines. The guys who email something reasonably entertaining and then once you start chatting with them on MSN… yikes! Normal conversation is “hey, how are ya? what’s your favourite colour? Do you like dogs?” Not, “I want to dom you.. want to cam?” Just the kind of guy you want to take home to mother.
Sure, I’ve made a few online friends.. and there’s still a couple of them I continue to talk to on MSN, so you never know. But on the whole, I guess it’s just not for me. Therefore I hereby tender my resignation from internet dating. I’ve decided to go back to meeting boys the old fashioned way…. at the bar.
Life: Nothing to report
Love: Did you not read the above? Nothing to see here…..
Pants: Still down 4 lbs. However, I am starving.