Everyone lies. If you deny it, you’re lying. Please check your pants as I believe the smoke detector is going off….
As much as everyone likes to think they are straight forward, honest, upstanding individuals.. they lie. Everyone lies on a daily basis, when you get right down to it..
Think about it.. so someone asks you “How are you?” And you immediately reply “Fine!” or “Great thanks!” without even thinking.. even though you’re boss teared ya a new one earlier in the day, your car’s acting weird, your kids are being bitchy and you had a fight with your significant other.. Oh, and you spilt coffee on your white shirt.
That’s not the point of this though.. everyone does the “unintentional little white lie” thing.. it’s a given. Jesus won’t consider that a huge slight against the commandments (I think..)
And everyone does it.. sometimes to spare feelings (“no dear, your ass does NOT look fat in those pants..”) or to save an uncomfortable situation .. Or your own proverbial ass.. (“Wow, Dad, I have NO IDEA how that scratch got on the car! Must’ve been a shopping cart at Sobey’s!)
I can’t recall the first time I deliberately lied.. but I can recall a few… but, hey, wait.. this isn’t about me.. oh wait.. it IS isn’t it?
But I digress….
As a kid you tell little lies that you THINK are going to fool your parents. (Sorry, kids… no one.. not even Danny Bonaduce or Gary Coleman in their hey days… is good enough actor to fool their mothers..)
I can remember trying to sneak cheese out of the house. Yeah, you read that right. I WAS HUNGRY OK? Being the devious child that I was… I went into the house.. grabbed some sliced cheese… put it out on the FRONT porch and then went back out the back door.
Here is my faux pas.. instead of going to the front porch and EATING said cheese… I took it into the back yard. (Oh, it was individually wrapped cheese slices.. that’s an important element to bring up..)
So. Me. Cheese.. Backyard.
I try to sneak cheese. My mother says “what do you have?”.. So I oh so casually take said cheese slice and put it in my pants and end up walking oddlyandmy mother finds the cheese. Trying too hard. Busted.
Ok, not a good example of how mothers know all.. but I’m trying to tell stories here.
I CAN tell you this. I can tell when most people are lying.. specifically my children. They have “tells”. Certain things that they do that give them away. But I cannot reveal them. Likely only Katy the daughter will read this, but on the off chance that Call of Duty, the PS2 and all television is off air, I cannot reveal the tells in case Josh the son reads this.
Here’s the thing….. most people don’t do it well. Why you ask?.. they overexplain.
Now, I will insert a story where, yes, I DID lie well. This may not paint me in the best light… but.. I’m going to share anyway.
After my marriage split I had the occasion to be asked out by a couple of guys and that was cool.. the no so cool part was they asked me out on the same night. (oh, maybe it’s that I said yes to both…)
I’m not proud of this .. but what happened was the one guy I was not -so-much-interested-in asked me out first. Then guy who I thought I was more interested in.. asked me out.
This is how this went down.. Long story short (which means it will get long….).. …. Met guy #1 at the bar and he brought his brother and various and sundry relatives to meet me. Oy vey. Hung out for a bit and then I got a “phone call” and I had to leave because my daughter was sick or something.. and I took off to meet boy number 2. Boy number 1 thought (and rightfully so) that I was pulling an excuse. See? I over explained.
Don’t get me wrong.. boy number 1 was ok.. but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere (we had been on one date before) and .. boy number two was a guy I hadn’t seen in years, but the last time I did he was all body buildery hot and cute and shit. And in my mind, fun to talk to.
So… meet up with boy 2.
Now, not sure what happened to this guy, but options are as follows: I may have had way too many brain injuries. I may have been hammered drunk every time I saw this guy.. or…
He quit the ‘roids. Oh, and became stupid.
Got to the meeting place. FASTEST BEER OF MY LIFE. (and those who know me, know I can drink fast)
Ok, I feel I must redeem myself here. I’m not a “looks” type of girl. I’m a brain girl. But.. compounded with … how shall I delicately put this…. IMMENSE WEIGHT GAIN.. coupled with the fact that talking to him was like talking to a piece of furniture only not as interesting….. yeah. Not so much. (please note that if he had been erudite and an excellent conversationalist I could have been swayed. I’ve never said “UM” so much in my life. He, on the other hand, giggled inappropriately and suggested that we go make out in my truck. Really…? REALLY??? uh, no)
So.. again. Fake phone call that my friend Jenn desperately needed my help and….. left. And went back to the first bar (my friends were there as well…saying that so as not to appear desperate)
Didn’t really care if boy 1 was there or not but figured I’d go say hi.
Found him. Making out with some chick. I turned and walked. But his brother saw me. I left and had fun with my friends. No worries.
The next day I had a bunch of messages from boy number 1 apologizing.. figuring I was ditching him and that I had been making an excuse to leave and makes up some weird complicated story about the girl. Too much. Busted. (please disregard the fact that he had already busted me.. sorta)
What did I do? .. of course, played the innocent injured party and said “that’s okay, I hold no grudges” and equally magnanimous things and wished him well whilst making him feel oh so guilty..
My BFF Jodi upon hearing the story said “Way to take the high road by lying”…. I don’t care who you are.. that’s funny shit.
But.. I got away with it. I didn’t do “therapy” damage or anything.. Meh, Boy number 1 is likely better off. Boy number 2 likely got back on the ‘roids.
I recently ran into an acquaintance of mine who was with a “friend” and he then proceeded to waaaaaaay over explain why his wife was not accompanying him.. He walked away and all I said was “he’s doin’ her”… my friends were unsure.. until we saw the dirty dancing a little later in the evening. Yeah, overexplained.
Point is.. if you really have to lie to save yours or anyone else’s asses.. or make conversation.. or just not get caught. Keep it simple.
And hide the cheese somewhere other than your pants…
p.s. Got my first hate mail today… LOL. I was accused of being a man hater and that I thought all men were liars. (didn’t post in comments or I assure you I would have put that up. I may cut and paste..) That said.. I honestly thought this was just some funny stories that didn’t paint ME in the best light. Oh well, dude wouldn’t have bought my book anyway. LMAO. And please note that the preceding tale does not condone lying in any way, shape or form. 😉Life: good. very good. I’m excited Love: I’m a big fat liar.. no wonder I’m alone *sob* Pants: No cheese in them at this time