Tag Archives: laughter

40 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back (or why Zamfir should burn in hell…)

I had to call tech support today.. My website (www.evilgeniusmarketing.ca) would not let me upload pics. And I really really wanted that Wizard of Oz pic on there..

My webhosting service is in Vancouver.  Why you ask? Because I am a moron apparently.  A friend suggested them and I went ahead and signed up without realizing they were across the country.  Which means, if I have issues at 9am, it’s 6am there and I have to wait till noon to call the stupid ass toll free line.

zamfir2

I'm sure he's a lovely man, but I still want to snap his flute in half...

So yesterday I posted.. and the picture would NOT load. And I couldn’t reach them. So I emailed. Nothing.

Today.. still not working.. so I called again. Got the recorded .. “press 3 for tech support”.. and was immediately placed in hold music hell.

It was pan flute music. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute. Playing “My Heart Will Go On”.

Kill me. Now.

I mean, sure, there’s obviously a market for pan flute music.. for dentists’ offices, massage therapists, elevator music and the like.  And apparently, for hold music. REAL HUMANS don’t actually listen to this stuff, like, in their car or anything. I mean, that’s just UNSAFE… the soothing  tones of the pan flute lull you into an altered state and you crash.. see? Not good.

I think the thought is that it’s “calming”.  Yeah. It’s NOT. It’s irritating as fuck.  Seriously. First of all,  I’m a rocker. I’m listening to AC/DC as I write this. There’s no freakin” pan flute in rock music. You can add every other musical instrument ever. Bag pipes. Triangle. Flute. Pan flute is played by that crazy ass satyr Tewt in the “Mighty Hercules” cartoon. HE ONLY SPOKE THROUGH THE PAN FLUTE.  That is messed. But what do you expect… his name’s Tewt.

 

mightyherculestewt4But I digress.

The first.. say.. two minutes.. were okay. I did not feel the need to kill anyone. However.. approaching minute four I was looking for the knife block. To slit my own wrists.

To avoid insanity I started looking for things to do..changed my Facebook status.. and then “liked” everyone’s posts. I was bored. It was a bad move.

I have 763  new emails informing me of everyone who also “liked” or commented on everyone else’s status.

And I wasn’t even drunk.  Although I did look at the clock and think it was 5 o’clock and cracked open a beer. Then realized the clocks hadn’t been turned back.  But that’s beside the point..

So what to do while waiting to be helped? Update my Tweets of course (not to be confused with Tewt..)

I am in tech support muzak hell.

The muzak on hold is lulling me into unconsciousness. I hate you tech support. You are frying my brain via panflute.

I just went on facebook and “liked” EVERYONE’S status. That, my friends, was a mistake. *email box filling with notifications*

.@katbron yes, it is frying my brain….. Damn you Zamfir Master of the Pan flute.

Good news everybody! I’ve received word that hot asian women are dying to meet me! Awesome! (this has nothing to do with tech support.. I just got this good news while I was “liking” everyone on Facebook…)

@meggroff no no.. yours I really really liked. A lot. Best one today. <–Meg accused me of not REALLY liking her status.

I am singing along to the pan flute version of “My Heart Will Go On”.. and  praying for the sweet release of death.

I can actually feel myself slipping into a coma…

Off tech support call.. waited 40 minutes for someone to tell me they’ll call back. Pan flute tune still searing my neurons. arrrrrrgh

@jeffsoltysiak I was on hold for 40 mins. I have pan flute inflicted brain damage.

Yay! Tech support fixed my problem! I forgive you for the pan flute. But not you, Zamfir. Not you.

Eventually I received an email from tech support telling me they reset a whatchamajiggy and the problem should be fixed.. and it was.. and I uploaded my pic.

However, I was still left with the theme to Titanic searing through my grey matter.  You can witness the terror yourself by clicking here.

My heart will go on… but my brain needs some more AC/DC therapy…

Life: Awesome!
Love: I do not love the pan flute. Just sayin’
Pants: I was wearing pants through the entire ordeal.


Advertisements

Have You Ever Ever Lost An Elephant?

I’m going out to buy a record player today. Yes, I am cutting edge.

I’ve kept only one toy from my childhood.. a brown stuffed dog named Jingles.  The pup was a gift on my fifth birthday from my Grandmother… and was my cherished companion every night when I slept.  Many nights I cuddled Jingles.. whispering secrets.. sometimes a few tears…MMRecordPlayer2

Jingles disappeared at one point around the time I was about 30.  I figured it would turn up eventually.. somewhere in the house.  Around the same time, one of my daughter’s first toys.. a small black lamb named “Bobby” (get it? Baaaaaabby…)  also went missing. Despite many searches, they remained lost.

Flash forward five years.. one day I was taking my son Josh to school and was having a chat with his grade 2 teacher when I looked down at the toy shelf.. and there was Jingles!  “That’s my dog!” I exclaimed and went on to “prove” it.. one of Jingles eyes was chipped.. and he had a wire inside him to hold his shape.. it was still bent inside from my many nights of cuddling…

And sitting beside Jingles… was Bobby!!

Mrs. Hardy and I figured out that Katy brought the toys for show and tell and forgot them. They had been sitting in her class ever since.. being played with by countless children over the course of 5 years..  Thankfully, Mrs. Hardy let me take both toys back.. Obviously, we were meant to get Jingles and Bobby back…. Katy and both have these precious childhood souvenirs on display in our respective bedrooms.

Twice recently I had occasion to talk about another childhood toy.. the Mickey Mouse record player.

My sisters and I received it for Christmas from Santa one year along with 100 kids 45’s .. we had picked it out ourselves whilst browsing through the Sears Wish Book. That Santa is SMRT.

We’d play all the records.. and dance around..

My youngest sister, Lara, was very fond of the record player and would play music all day long while Barb and I were at school.  In particular, Lara enjoyed “The Elephant Song”.  She would play the  same 45 over, and over, and over…. again.  My mother drew little elephants on the label so that Lara would know which record it was..

This song has special  notoriety in my family as a result.. .when we were much younger, the three of us started “performing” the song for our cousins and such amid much laughter. There’s a musical interlude in the song.. and when singing it at one point for said relatives, when we got to that part, we elected to insert a “nose solo”. It brought the house down.

As a result of our unique singing ability, my sisters and I have been coerced into singing said musical masterpiece at various family functions.. particularly weddings…. the nose solo is still the highlight of the tune.

So twice in the last week the subject of the infamous Elephant Song and the Mickey Mouse Record player has come up. I’ve never been able to find this song on the interwebs.. and I’ve never run across anyone else who’s even heard of the song.. until I sing it for them in my most operatic  vibrato…  Katy and I even performed the song one evening for her boyfriend… and yes, he lost it at the nose solo….

I was out for a walk yesterday and while waltzing down King Street I looked into a store window… and there it was!! The Mickey Mouse record player!  Mickey’s outstretched arm across the turntable as if he was pointing at me.. “Beth! Look! It’s your old pal Mickey!”

I am a huge believer in “signs”.. and this one was certainly directed at me.  On the turntable? No, not the elephant song, but a 45 about “Meditation and Self Realization”… message noted, Universe.

I’ve been re-evaluating and soul searching and working on various self improvement for a while now.. and I certainly believe this message was aimed directly at me.. plus, the thought of that record player and the joy it brought us brings back many happy memories..

I had dogs with me, so couldn’t go in… I called the store later in the day and yes, it’s for sale. I’m going to get it today… and perhaps look through their 45’s for the aforementioned paean to pachyderms…

I’ve never, ever lost an elephant… but I did lose my stuffed dog once.. but more importantly, I’m continually finding out more about myself every day.

The Elephant Song
Have you ever ever lost an elephant? It’s really quite a silly thing to do
But there’s something even sillier.. and that is losing two
And that’s what we have done today.. Arthur and Celeste have run away..
Their mother’s crying and worried so… oh where oh where did our elephants go?
We have lost 2 little elephants.. we’re looking north and south and east and west..
for two thousand pounds of dear little elephants.. named Arthur and Celeste.
(insert nose solo)
And that’s what we have done today.. Arthur and Celeste have run away..
Their mother’s crying and worried so… oh where oh where did our elephants go?
We have lost 2 little elephants.. we’re looking north and south and east and west..
for two thousand pounds of dear little elephants.. named Arthur and Celeste…
Arthur and Celeste….
Arthur and Celeste…..Arthur! Celeste!….

Life: The universe is conspiring on my behalf
Love: I love when interesting things happen
Pants: Walking a lot every day.. for exercise and for the adventures!

“I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER… “

You know that movie about 4 teens who end up getting stalked by someone after they run over a guy and dump his body in the ocean?  Yeah, my summer was kinda like that.

roller coaster ride. Obviously before I suffered brain damage. Wait, look at that smile. May be after...

roller coaster ride. Obviously before I suffered brain damage. Wait, look at that smile. May be after...

No, no you won’t know if that’s what EXACTLY happened until you read this post. And I won’t tell you till the end if I actually smushed a guy like in that movie…or if I just mocked something till they wished I had smushed them.  And don’t skip to the end. The program tracks those who do. Which may or may not be how that guy may or may not have ended up  in the ocean or perhaps just with hurt feelings…….

I recently noticed that summer was over and I felt like it had passed me by.. as if I hadn’t really DONE anything this summer.. so I made a list..

In early June it was my son Josh’s birthday.. the lovely boy turned 14. He’s taller than me now. Guess the “I’ll put you over my knee” threat no longer is valid. We went go-karting. I gave him money. Good day. We also played Rock Band.

Mid June brought UpTown Country.. great festival put on by a fun group of people. Shout outs from the stage from Sean Hogan and lots of hugs from people I hadn’t seen for a while. I miss y’all too. 

End of June.. Josh in his dark suit and Chucks’ graduated from Grade 8.  I am a proud mama.

Jodi the BFF’s birthday –  we celebrated by going to see the Fray with the 3rd Super Exciting Friend, Fernando.  Thankfully, we spent much time in the lounge as the Fray is pretty near as depressing as Coldplay and therefore sorrows needed to be drowned.  On the way back to the car, we were nearly attacked by seagulls.

with my cousins in Pembroke. SO much fun

with my cousins in Pembroke. SO much fun

Josh got a really bad sunburn that resulted in the nickname “Lobster Boy” for at least a week.

Finally moved out of Barrie.  My big send off involved myself and my new friends via Twitter.. Robb M (@astroboy) and Jon (@JonAston) getting together for a drink.. or several.  I believe we found the answers to world peace, Peak Oil, how they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar and whether or not Britney’s breasts are real.  Of course, there were several beers and dirty martinis and all of those answers have been lost….

July 15th. Moved from Barrie to St. Catharines to live with BFF Jodi. Thank God for Fernando and Joe and their amazing packing skills.. and for Jodi for not punching me when I brought so much stuff to her house..

Josh and I took a trip to Marineland and determined that we should get season passes which requires not only pictures, but  fingerprinting and a brain scan.  Apparently there have been issues with identical twins borrowing each others passes…  We skipped the “go up really high and then drop from the sky and hopefully don’t smash into the ground like a bug” ride as we didn’t want to climb the big hill.  We fed bears corn pops, ate pizza, saw whales, enjoyed the musical stylings of Walter Ostanek… and then proceeded to ride the Dragon Fire roller coaster 6 times or until I could literally hear my brain sloshing from side to side. 

Jodi and I took Josh across the border for the first time and we ate dinner in Lewiston.. A few days later we went across again and took him to see the Trews and met my Twitter friend Nancy (@nannerland)… and enjoyed an awesome show and people who danced in puddles.  We also fed Josh old candy out of our purses because we spent all our money on beer.

In August, we went to Kitchener and had lunch with Randy Bachman and took him to Home Hardware (you can read about that here…) I did a very long interview with him.. which you can read about here…  then we watched Bachman-Cummings that night and it was AMAZING!

Chris (Katy’s BF) and I overruled Katy and Josh with our duet on American Idol. Yeah. Even Simon liked us.

After several years I finally saw my buddy Mike Lynch .. cause he too lives in St Catharines!   We had wings and beer and I learned where 2 more dirty St Kitts bars are.. check out his music..

 Went to see the Gin Blossoms but not before I had to YouTube some of their songs cause I couldn’t think of any.  And we went to Top’s Friendly Markets. Steven was right. Sweet Baby Ray’s is the best damn BBQ sauce ever.

Went for a visit to the Ottawa Valley for my Aunt Pat’s 80th birthday party.. great seeing all the relatives and catching up with everyone. Much laughter and fun.  Also was able to hook up in Ottawa with more Twitter friends.. Lynda Partner (@lyndapartner) and Kneale Mann (@knealemann)… awesome!

One of the adventures of the summer was going to see Miranda Lambert and Kenny Chesney in concert.  Sure, the music was great… but before we even got there we had already survived a tornado touching down in downtown Toronto and me ripping out the seat of my pants.  Again, thank god for the Amex Lounge and people with expense accounts.

Had a lovely dinner at my sister’s with our cousin Maureen.. fun fun.

My friend Steven and I went to Lewiston’s ArtPark for the final blast of the summer to see Peter Frampton. Took Josh. This time I brought enough money that he could get pizza. There were THOUSANDS of people there. I don’t believe there were any fatalities.

The Germans.. Alex & Carl.. came to visit and we hooked up for a visit while they were here. Beer, conversation, laughter and more beer. And more laughter. Carl’s website is here.. he is the authority on heavy metal .. not just in Canada or Germany, but world wide. And he likes beer.  http://carlbegai.com/

There was also much barbequing, socializing and fun.  So even though the summer is over (I was in  denial for weeks, obviously..) the fall’s been pretty good.. AC/DC.. family celebrations.. Oktoberfest.. it’s all good.

Oh, and no, I didn’t hide a body over the summer.. however I did accidentally run over a possum.  Thankfully, it has not come back to seek revenge…..

Life: It’s all GOOD.
Love: Amazing.
Pants: Looser. Again, All good.

Serendipity.. Life Lessons Learned in the back of a Cab

Serendipity: A very good coincidence, often leading to something really awesome. (Urban Dictionary.com)serendipity-new

I had occasion to take a cab yesterday.

I do one of two things whilst taking a ride with a stranger…. I either end up having a lengthy conversation about current events, the weather or the city I’m in or where I’m going.. Or I don’t talk much at all except to give the address and such. 

When I got into the cab, the driver gave me a friendly hello and of course asked where I was going.  I had to tell him where exactly it was as he wasn’t familiar with that area of town.  I told him as well as I could, explaining that I was a recent transplant to Niagara region and therefore really didn’t know my way around too well.  He asked why I had moved to this area and I gave him the Reader’s Digest version.. explaining that my life had been something of a challenge for the past year, but I was working on it.  He wished me luck with my situation and told me that if someone wants something badly enough, they just needed two things.. to believe in it, and work hard for it.

Just to create conversation, I told him that there had been a mass of emergency vehicles in the area that morning.. a random girl I ran into while waiting  had told me that some guy had jumped from his apartment balcony across the street.  We both exclaimed how sad and shocking that was and I internally said a short prayer for the poor soul.

Mr. Cabbie went on to tell me that he could understand someone becoming so depressed .. so hopeless.. that one would consider such extreme measures.

He explained to me that he had been sober now for 34 years.  I asked him what led him to that decision and he explained that it was his second wife. 

He had been married very young.. at 22 .. and it barely lasted a year.  He was a young buck who partied hard and his first wife could not withstand his wreckless behaviour and left him.

For several years he was alone and went through some great challenges, including being homeless. 

He had been living in an apartment in Niagara when one night there was a fire. He barely escaped with his life, never mind any of his clothing or possessions.  He didn’t even have a set of clothes… no insurance. Nothing was left.

He managed to talk a local store into giving him a small wardrobe and a winter coat on credit (it was February).  He had to live in a shelter for a time until he could get some work and rebuild himself and his life.. it was a very low period and there were times where he self medicated so often with liquor that he considered his life empty and perhaps not worth the effort to continue.

But he managed to find the inner resolve to push forward and rebuild as best he could.  Then he met a girl and remarried.

They were together for a year and he had once again succumbed to his hard partying ways and she left him. 

He was devastated.  He finally called her and said he’d do whatever it took to win her back.  She told him that he would have to pursue addiction counselling and quit the drinking and the drugs forever.  He agreed.

It was a tough go, but he had the resolve to do it because he knew that something better was there for him if he chose to work hard for it.  He continued by saying that he and his wife recently celebrated 35 years of marriage.. and 34 years of his sobriety. They’ve had a wonderful life together .. three children.. and continue to share much happiness.

He was tempted a few times over the years, but knew if he faltered he’d lose everything that truly mattered to him.  He’d been broke, homeless, addicted to booze and drugs.  He resolved at one point to change his life. And although sometimes it was a struggle, he did it despite the obstacles.

“Anything worth having is worth working hard for”.. he said.  I agreed with him wholeheartedly.

We pulled into my driveway and I scavenged in my purse for the money to pay him.  “I’ve enjoyed our conversation… by the way.. what is your name?”

“Ian”.. he said.. “I’m Beth”, I replied.

“That’s my wife’s name!” He remarked.  For some strange reason that did not strike me as a such a weird coincidence.

Every once in a while, you have what appears to be a random conversation with someone who teaches you something or brings you a valuable message or a life lesson. It’s serendipity. Finding something fortunate you really didn’t expect to find. 

Both my personal and professional lives have been rife with challenges over the last couple of years and at times I can get pretty discouraged about that.  However, here was a man who built himself up with far less going that what I have right now.  Proving to me that through sheer will and belief and hard work, you can succeed.

Ian.. it was a pleasure to meet you.  I think I’d better get back to working hard. I already have the belief that there is something better waiting for me.

Life: Serendipitous
Love: is a wonderful thing..
Pants: Just took a walk with puppy. It was lovely.

Happy Anniversary is still Appropriate.. I think…

Today is the 20th Anniversary of the Day I was married.

All the old hilarious wedding pics are packed away.. Instead, here's a recent photo..

All the old hilarious wedding pics are packed away.. Instead, here's a recent photo..

Now, normally people say congratulations without hesitation and give you a lovely gift or a bottle of wine and all.. especially when you reach a milestone like 20 years. However, I said it was the 20th Anniversary of my day as a bride.. not my 20th Anniversary.

We’ve been apart for 5 years now.. we separated just a few days before our 15th wedding anniversary and divorced about a year later. 

And of course, with any breakup, there’s hurt, anger, disappointment, tears, more anger, blame, yelling, silence, more tears… and after a while.. relief. And peace. At least in our situation.

I spoke with my ex husband briefly today on the phone and I did wish him a Happy Anniversary on the phone.  I’m pretty sure he had forgotten what day it was.. but at least being an “ex” he had no responsibility to remember (although he may have even if we were still married anyway.. )

The day Jamie and I were married was the Friday of the Thanksgiving weekend. I had a big white dress and big curly 80’s hair and Jamie wore a tux and cowboy boots and he too had big curly 80’s hair and a Burton Cummings porn stache.  All of our friends and family were there.. we had a great band.. the groom sang most of the night, there were a lot of great speeches and all in all it was a ton of fun.

So it’s a little sad that we aren’t together to celebrate 20 years… but I still think it’s still appropriate to consider this a “happy” anniversary.

As a result of that day 20 years ago, we had many good years together, produced two beautiful children, and many terrific memories.  Sure, we had our share of misfortune, fights and “bad” times.. and unfortunately we couldn’t get past all of what we went through.

But that’s okay.

We are who we are and where we are because of our life experiences. And really, I’m in a pretty good place right now I think.. and so is he. And most importantly, so are our  kids.

So, I think it is a Happy Anniversary of sorts.  Because regardless of our marital split, we’re still co-parents.. and although we aren’t a conventional family, we’re still family.

And I think that’s pretty cool.

Happy Anniversary Jamie. It’s all good.

Life: It’s looking good!
Love: Skip to the next one. Nothing to report at this time.
Pants: My pants are too big.. just sayin’.

I Just Proved Washroom Advertising Works.

I’m thinking of plastering ads all over the stalls of washrooms as I’ve discovered that it’s very effective and hopefully I can use it to spread my message throughout the land.line

Here’s what started the whole thing.. Jodi the BFF (that stands for best friend forever, in case you’re a boy or you’ve been living in a cave) and myself decided to try to have some adventure this past weekend. We wanted to go new places, meet new people.. perhaps meet some cute boys.

We elected on Friday night to head up the road to what we had heard was a “street dance”. The road is only a few blocks away and since we planned to have a couple of cold ones, we started walking. And walking. And walked some more. In cheapass Old Navy flip flops. So it sucked.

After about nearly an hour of unintentional exercise we realized that this “street dance” was much further away than we had thought, called it quits, decided to pop into the first watering hole we came to and just grab a bevvy there. The establishment we chose had the unfortunate moniker of “The Barn”. Long story short, it lived up to its name.

We grabbed a table on the patio and shortly after sitting down a guy came over and asked to share the space. Since we’re friendly types we agreed. He explained that he was married and out for a bit with the boys.. who were “hitting on chicks” .. he just wanted to sit and relax so figured he’d “safe” with us.

it's a banana guard. don't worry it will make sense soon.

it's a banana guard. don't worry it will make sense soon.

Safe? With us? ‘Splain please…

Well, dumbass buddy here proceeded to tell us that he had assumed we were lesbians.

First, let me tell you that neither myself nor Jodi has anything against anyone who is gay. We have gay friends. We don’t care, don’t judge. However, we are not gay. We are very heterosexual. We like boys.

Dumbass’s Buddy’s theory was basically that two women “our age” out together for drinks on a Friday = gay. This theory also included the fact that we were casually dressed and not all tarted up for the bar like most of the whores girls who were in there.

We're on a boat.....

We're on a boat.....

Aside from being unimpressed with this “theory” not to mention the delivery (he was a jerk..) we had to wonder if others thought the same thing.  Needless to say we discussed at length why on earth would he or any other guy think that we were lesbians. 

After all, even though we live together we have separate rooms thankssomuch .. and sure, we have matching tattoos but that’s a “best friend” thing.. yes and we call ourselves each other’s “heterosexual life partners” (SEE? HETEROSEXUAL!) .. and of course, I joke that I make Jodi a really good wife – but that’s because I do the cooking…. and we didn’t REALLY change our last name to Warrcrookens (Warren and Crooks smashed together..)…  Not only that, we have NEVER changed our Facebook statuses to reflect “In A Relationship…” 

The rest of the weekend we did bunches of fun things like go for a drive, get ice cream, went to a bar that’s on a boat.. went to a parade and saw a clown band and shriners in little cars… rummaged through some antique stores and various shops.. found a place that sells “banana guards” (they’re for protection..) .. ate good food, went to a restaurant or two. You know, all things you’d do with your significant other best friend.

We even made a little trip to Niagara On the Lake to punch  play tourists. Wandered about, looked in shops and eventually stopped at a pub for a snack and a pint.

Mmmm delicious beer...

Perhaps it's the wife beater..??

When the waitress came to take our order we immediately bantered back and forth and played the “I-don’t-care-either-way-you-decide-cause-I’m-not-super-hungry” game until I finally uttered something about how I had to do everything, and Jodi shouldn’t worry her pretty little head or something like that and ordered for us both.

And after our moment bickering like an old married couple I said “crap. no wonder people think we’re gay.” And we laughed. Not the snide sarcastic laugh we usually use when mocking others but the big outdoor laughs we use when mocking ourselves.

Then we finished our snack and decided to hit the restroom before leaving.

I went into a stall and started reading the graffiti as I’m wont to do.. and read aloud the following:

“STAY AWAY FROM BARB W****** 519-578-****. SHE WILL *blank*, *blank* AND STEAL YOUR HUSBAND”

A couple of things happened then.. we realized we weren’t alone in the washroom as others expoded with laughter when we did. And I recognized that the phone number was in Kitchener. And I think I know this Barb chick.

We commented that everyone who goes in there likely reads that and then re-tells everyone at their table so often that  BARB W****** is likely becoming an urban legend. And has likely had to change her phone number.

And so it struck me  that perhaps this could be a great way of letting people know that BFF & I are not a “couple”…  you know, just casually go into some washrooms and write “Beth and Jodi both like boys” on the walls…. or we could go with the classic “for a good time…” but that seems too.. uh, slutty whorish mercenary over the top.  Plus there’s the little problem of getting into the men’s washrooms to write it.

And writing it in the womens’ washrooms I somehow don’t think is the answer.

But after some research I’ve determined the washroom advertising isn’t the answer.. after all, I looked Barb W****** up on Canada411 and she still has the same number – hasn’t had to change it due to the barrage of calls obviously.  Apparently the “ad campaign” wasn’t as effective after all. 

Jodi and I will just have to try harder to appear less “couple-y” I guess. And perhaps stop holding hands in public. 😉

Life: Got some stuff going on, mojo workin… we’ll let ya know.
Love: You’re kidding, right?  I really did look up Barb and found her address and everything. Perhaps I should call her for hints as she seems to have no trouble with the guys.
p.s. Jodi gets plenty of dates.. I’m the one who’s dating my laptop. LOL.
Pants: Working hard but also eating hard. Again – will keep you posted.

Lab Rats, Bad Hair and World Domination

I often maintain that my ultimate goal is world domination. Kinda like Pinky and the Brain.“What’re we going to do tonight, Brain?” “Same thing we do every night, Pinky.  Try to take over the world.”

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so."

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so."

And although I am kind of short, my plans aren’t usually thwarted by being a lab rat. I have opposable thumbs.. of reasonable stature.. I’m something of an evil genius.. obviously I have a lot going for me…. not being an experimental rodent and all.

So, you ask, WHY have I not succeeded in this lofty goal? Why have I not completed my quest for world domination and ultimate supremacy?

Three words: Bad hair days.

Pinky and the Brain have time. They don’t have hair. They have fur. Far more manageable. No fussing about allows them time to work on their evil plans.  Me? Not so lucky.

I have tempermental hair. It’s a struggle. Today for instance.. My bangs were all wonky and I tried to re-do them a few times by wetting them and re-drying them but it was no use. They still looked dumb. They went all “flippy”. So instead of getting on with aligning my very own “axis of evil” I had to break out the straightener.

I believe this to be why most world leaders are male. They don’t give a crap about their hair. Think about it. Winston Churchill? He did not spend any time on that lid. Gorbachev? Really. Look at it.  No effort at all there.

There’s a reason why Khomeini wore the headgear, same with Che Guevara and Castro. It’s not all about fashion or religious stuff.. it was to hide the bad hair, I’m convinced.  They neglected their appearances and thus had far more time for socio-political activity.

     "Dude, seriously, saves me SO much time in the AM" "I gotta get a hat..."

"Dude, seriously, saves me SO much time in the AM" "I gotta get a hat..."

Don’t even try to bring up Margaret Thatcher with me. THAT hairdo was not stellar. I read on the interwebs that it was actually a hat made of horsehair. It’s why it never moved. Here’s the bottom line:  Women have SO MUCH MORE to do than men that the “taking over the world” thing winds up on the end of the list.

We don’t JUST have hair, but make-up, picking out the cute shoes… nails.. lots of other things. Not to mention everything else we do.. birthing babies, making dinner, cleaning up after everyone else in the family..  wiping up various bodily functions expelled by kids and pets, shopping for everyone in the family, putting together Hallowe’en costumes, breaking up fights, driving people around.

Women already have to be chauffeurs, cooks, cleaners, doctors, police, negotiators, public relations officials, wardens, financial advisors, comedians, actors, and mechanics.. just to shortlist it. AND we like to look good doing it, so we must also be beauticians.

Hence, why my bad hair has prevented me from my destiny of being either supreme leader.. or perhaps a game show host.  Instead of recruiting minions,  I was busy getting pretty.

I gotta go. I think I left the straightener on…

Life: Labour Day weekend.. fun for all!
Love: No comment.
Pants: Still working on it. No weight loss as for all the working out I do, I reward myself with licorice and wine. *sigh*