Tag Archives: humour

All ya gotta do to start trouble is post something by the Cars..

As we all know, I’ve been a slacker with the posting of said bloggage.. I’ve started many, just haven’t finished.. really, I’m working on it…

I have no excuse… I’m online constantly.. so you think I’d get to writing.. but…. I think perhaps I may be spending too much time on Facebook, perhaps..

I have this friend.. I shall call him Glenn (as that is his name…)  and he and I like to banter.. so I thought I’d share one of our offtrack Facebook rants (that likely have people removing us from their feeds.. LOL)

Beth Warren

The Cars – Just What I Needed (1978) Writer: Ric Ocasek Producer: Roy Thomas Baker Bass and Lead vocal: Benjamin Orr Guitar: Elliot Easton Drums: David Robinson
July 29 at 10:03am Custom: loading… · · · Share

Glenn Pelletier And the kids wonder why Mariana’s Trench and Down With Webster doesn’t do it for me.

July 29 at 11:39am · ·

Beth Warren Yeah, word on the street is that this is really keeping the kids up at night..

July 29 at 11:48am · ·

Glenn Pelletier Oh….do I allow me then….to be more specific. “the kids”…….as in MY kids. get it? the only thing keeping the kids you refer to….up at night….is msn and trying to find the latest info. on the party at Brittany’s house when her parents were out-of-town.

July 29 at 11:56am · ·

Glenn Pelletier Tell you what…..if there any of “the kids” checking in with this conversation between a 49-year-old man and his 46-year-old friend, I invite you to view the Cars’ video above…..and then try to wonder why Mariana’s Trench and Down With Webster don’t do it for me.

July 29 at 11:58am · ·

Beth Warren I shall post your request on all my 15 yo FB friends’ pages.. LOL

Hey, there’s no doubt in my mind why they don’t “do it for you”….

July 29 at 12:02pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Okay…..gotta go. Off to a class titled “Demonstrating Humility While Posting On Facebook.”

July 29 at 12:04pm · ·

Beth Warren Are you teaching or attending?

July 29 at 12:07pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Attending.

July 29 at 12:54pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier That was my point, doe head.

July 29 at 12:54pm · ·

Beth Warren You and the name calling, CF…..
You are missing my obviously sarcastic tone…. jeezus

July 29 at 12:56pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier ‎”You can call me anything……just don’t call me Doe Head!”

July 29 at 1:01pm · ·

Beth Warren Doe head suggests something from the deer family.. whereas DOUGH head would imply that my head had a delicious squishy centre..
Neither of which I find particularly insulting or offensive. Or dirty. Try harder. LOL

July 29 at 1:26pm · ·

John Matthews OK – for the record. I have always loved the Cars! And as for you two – Glenn … love you on 570 but how does Beth have so many more fb friends than you? Beth – are you hitting on Glenn? Sounds more like a 15 yr old and an 11 yr old going at it! Carry on.

July 29 at 1:57pm · ·

Beth Warren A 15 yo and an 11 yo “going at it” would be most inappropriate. Age of consent in this province is 14.

July 29 at 2:03pm · ·

John Matthews Good point.

July 29 at 2:11pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Hey John…Beth has so many more fb friends than me, because I have a rule. The moment you say something like “I like eggs” on your newsfeed……yer fucking gone! Plus I tend to blow out the “friends” I don’t actually know, or have never spoken with.

July 29 at 2:14pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Actually, I keep vowing to do it….but between you and me, John, I don’t have the balls. And damn it, I don’t mind telling you…..I like eggs.

July 29 at 2:23pm · ·

Beth Warren I have a lot of FB friends because I’ve been doing this a helluva lot longer than Pelch has… for one. That, and I bribe them with candy.

Egss are delicious, it’s true.

July 29 at 4:01pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Oh, Beth, you missed my point. You know damn well I am well-versed in the necessary social networking skills. I have just chosen not to go all Ashton Kutcher on this thing. I mean really….what’s the point? (see: I like eggs.)

July 29 at 4:47pm · ·

Beth Warren Quite the contrary, I grasped your point immediately.. was merely kidding around. And I still like eggs.

July 29 at 4:57pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Oh really? Sounded to me like you were actually trying to say that if I had been on Facebook as long as you, I would have as many fb “friends.” You think the size of my “friends” list is based on my duration on Facebook? So really, I think you DID miss the point that my having fewer friends was about me deliberately choosing to start picking off the people I don’t actually know (especially if they post ‘I like eggs” on their newsfeed.

July 29 at 5:05pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Now buy me a Virgin. Caesar.

July 29 at 5:07pm · ·

Beth Warren Perhaps I just filter my friends differently, but I don’t believe any of my friends have ever posted of their love of any type of dairy product. Now, liquor on the other hand…

July 29 at 5:07pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier I sometimes like to sign off posts with the name ‘Caesar’.

July 29 at 5:07pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Eggs are not dairy…but I will say no more. I have beaten you up already.

July 29 at 5:09pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Fuck it I can’t help myself. Where the fuck are the 2 per cent eggs? There’s only homo here!

July 29 at 5:11pm · ·

Beth Warren Ok, I’ll give you the “eggs are not dairy”…. apparently the food pyramid people moved them into the meat/protein section in 2005. I missed the memo.

Beaten up? LOL. Bring it, Pelch.

July 29 at 5:13pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier I need to get out. I have turned into a divorced man with no money, sitting in his shitty apartment, spending hours ranting on Facebook. Actually, forget it…..I just realized, I was thinking of someone else.

July 29 at 5:13pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier No, Darwin included them in the protein section in the mid-nineteenth century.

July 29 at 5:15pm · ·

Beth Warren Well, at least Facebook is keeping you off the streets and out of the seedy bars…..

July 29 at 5:15pm · ·

Beth Warren Fuck. you do need to get out. Sitting around arguing online about Canada’s food guide. Quick! In which food group is quinoa??!

July 29 at 5:17pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier ah………………………definitely not desert!

July 29 at 5:17pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier I mean dessert.

July 29 at 5:18pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Hell, maybe desert too, depending on whether it actually needs water to survive.

July 29 at 5:18pm · ·

Beth Warren How on earth did this go from appreciation of the Cars music to dessert?

July 29 at 5:19pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Ignore post above. The Sahara is not a food group.

July 29 at 5:19pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Beth, I have a feeling that bantering wtih you, will delay any possible dementia in me. I want to thank you for that.

July 29 at 5:20pm · ·

Beth Warren You nearly had me fooled. Had to check the food guide. Nope. Wasn’t there. Although I have sampled some cooking that wasn’t as tasty as sand…

July 29 at 5:20pm · ·

Beth Warren I believe you mean “further dementia”.

July 29 at 5:21pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier So about the fucking quinoa!

July 29 at 5:21pm · ·

Beth Warren And you are welcome.

July 29 at 5:21pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier LOL

July 29 at 5:22pm · ·

Beth Warren Quinoa is delicious. Although most think it’s a grain, it’s not truly.. and it’s very high in protein. It’s also a town in Peru and an album by Tangerine Dream.

July 29 at 5:23pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier I am spent…..it was good for me. Was it good for you? How about a smoke?

July 29 at 5:27pm · · 1 personLoading… ·

Beth Warren Glenn, you realize of course, that anyone who “LIKED” this link originally is now cursing as they are being inundated with notifications of our food groups discussion. However, they likely learned something.. so it’s not a total loss.

July 29 at 5:28pm · ·

Beth Warren LOL. Now I’ll have to think of some other wacky status update or link to inspire more discussion. Or I’ll go back to my tequila thread.

July 29 at 5:29pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier If they have actually followed this entire stream, they are witnessing a classic example of how a chick with brains can wake a guy up. Thanks for that.

July 29 at 5:32pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier So, Virgin Caesar and a smoke?

July 29 at 5:33pm · ·

Beth Warren More than welcome.

July 29 at 5:33pm · ·

Beth Warren I’m more inclined to order a pint and a shot of tequila. Caesars are breakfast food. LOL

July 29 at 5:34pm · ·

Beth Warren Or should there have been a comma after Virgin?

July 29 at 5:34pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier And while I am awake, you have kept my from posting on my newsfeed that “Glenn likes cutting his fingernails regularly.”

July 29 at 5:35pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier I want to stay in downtown Kitchener, so, no there is no comma after Virgin.

July 29 at 5:36pm · ·

Beth Warren whoa! you’re KIDDING me, right??!!!! wow.

July 29 at 5:37pm · ·

Beth Warren LMAO!

July 29 at 5:38pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier you mean about the comma-less Virgin or cutting my fingernails regularly?

July 29 at 5:38pm · ·

Beth Warren laughing re: comma-less virgin.. amazed at your nail cutting. You have some pretty exotic hobbies. CALM. DOWN.

July 29 at 5:39pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Also trying to find a non-smoking bingo player. I hear there is ONE in Belleville, but that was only because of doctor’s orders.

July 29 at 5:42pm · ·

Beth Warren what are you going to do with him or her when you find them? keep it as a pet?

July 29 at 5:43pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier No. Find out if being the only non-smoking bingo player in Belleville made him/her feel shunned, ashamed, diminished in any way.

July 29 at 5:46pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier I am also trying to find the only BINGO player in Rosedale – smoking, non-smoking, ashamed, shunned, or otherwise.

July 29 at 5:47pm · ·

Beth Warren I’m going to have to say the thing for bingo players is among the most unusual fetishes I’ve heard.

July 29 at 5:51pm · ·

John Matthews

OMG – that’s a cool 15yo thing right? I’m 46 just so ya know – and I know you don’t give a rat’s ass.

So I was going to interrupt – give thoughts on eggs and virgins – but nah. Then I considered a exercise in missing the point – but that w…ould have been wasted energy. Loads of other topics to comment on – but why interrupt perfectly good finger nail cutting I ask you? So I started reading the thread to my wife – and I got to the bingo fetish (not suspiciously 34 comments after the “divorced man, shitty apartment” comment) and she says, “Tell them to get a room.” Ha!

Glenn – I bet you hate Christmas now right? Beth – Who needs questions when there are so many answers? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QuinoaSee More

July 29 at 8:21pm · ·

John Matthews And as the most classic Car(ol) song says:

I’m so glad we had this time together,Just to have a laugh, or sing a song.Seems we just get started and before you Know itComes the time we have to say, “So long”.

July 29 at 8:22pm · ·

Beth Warren

Not to speak for my friend Glenn, but he has two beautiful girls so I’m sure Christmas is still full of joy and wonderment.. but again, not my place to say. Just thought I’d interject since a-it’s my thread and b- I think Pelch is off havi…ng a manicure so may not be able to respond in a timely manner.

re: rat’s ass.. I’m 46 as well.. all good. and I have a 15 yo.. LOL
re: room…. oh my. I have a room thanks.. LOL.. it’s quite pretty..

I still like eggs in all varied forms except fertilized. I’m not a virgin. and I enjoy quinoa.See More

July 29 at 8:33pm · ·

Beth Warren hahaha john.. either you are enjoying the entertainment or totally regretting adding me as a friend at this point.. LOL

July 29 at 8:34pm · ·

John Matthews This is now the most entertaining page on FB … well this and NPR! (JK) PS I was going to send Glenn a Christmas CD – no joke!

July 29 at 8:35pm · ·

Beth Warren Send him the Nickelback Christmas CD.. he’ll be your friend forever.

July 29 at 8:36pm · ·

John Matthews OUCH – before they tamed his extra-curricular banter over at 570 he would always talk about his love for good Christmas music – but I don’t recall him saying anything about Nickleback.

July 29 at 8:51pm · ·

Beth Warren LMAO! Nickelback is a long running joke between us.. I’m a troublemaker..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDgs1iroYyY

July 29 at 8:52pm · ·

Glenn Pelletier Hey John, the following tells you everything you need to know about my thoughts regarding Nickelback. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDgs1iroYyY

July 29 at 9:50pm · ·

Beth Warren haha I already sent him the link!

July 29 at 9:50pm · ·

John Matthews Ok – that was funny.

Life: All good
Love: Nothing to see here
Pants:  I’ve been very lazy and am quite lucky I do not weigh 300+ pounds.  Need to get back at it..

this is why, this is why.. i suck

Well.

It’s been a while.  I know. ugh. Nearly over three months.

oy vey.

Here’s the thing….

I started a bunch of posts and didn’t finish them because …… well…. some excuse.

A lot has been going on.  Like, LOTS.

Tons. Oodles. Many adventures.

So, you would think I would be writing all this stuff down, now, wouldn’t ya?  Well, apparently not.

One thing I did not do over the last 3 months is watch or read anything Twilight. I know nothing about it other than it's about vampires and girly stuff or something.

But let me brief you on what’s been going down.. then .. I will go back, finish the posts I started, and then all will be right with the world. Good times all around, my friends. Oh yes, we’ll get jiggy with it.

Things that have happened and that I will expound upon.. in no particular order…

  • I had a birthday. On that birthday I moved my stuff out of BFF Jodi’s house and into a garage in KW.
  • I went to California. It was cool. No, literally. It was April. It was about the same temperature in KW as in Cali.   Also, I saw a lot of relatives in Cali and a portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger made of Skittles. It did not change my life in any way and I had actually completely forgotten about it until this moment.
  • My car got crashed.  Not good.
  • Got back from California. Moved the next morning into my new place in the K-dub.  Unpacked et al within days.
  • Started a new super cool gig.
  • Had a party.
  • Got a new car.
  • went to my high school reunion.
  • Proved bench advertising works.
  • Didn’t write blogs. (you already knew that)
  • Discovered a cure for the common cold. Got drunk to celebrate. Accidentally threw out the answer. Back to the drawing board.
  • Then, of course,  some random stuff that I will think of as I start spewing stuff onto the computer screen  ( I know, not the best visual there.. see? out of practice….)

So, my apologies to those of you that have actually checked to see if I’ve written some stuff.. yes, you.. Stacey Thompson-Delorme.. Michelle Walker and of COURSE, Tracy Lennon…  I shall attempt to be more consistent…. as in, the consistency of rice pudding… oh, but I digress.

So yeah, I’ve been sucking.  But I’m making an attempt to make amends.  Please forgive me. (insert tearful weepy face here… preferably of a really cute sad child… that’d make ya well up…)

K. If I’m going to get caught up, I better get moving. Await the avalanche.

Life: Good. Very good.
Love: Love the new place. (see how I got out of answering that directly? Ohhhh I’m sneaky..)
Pants: I’m wearing some. That’s all you need to know for now.

It’s my birthday too! YEAH!

They say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too, yeah
They say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time

Princess Birthday Party a few years ago. Yeah. I rock the tiara..

I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you

Birthday – The Beatles (Lennon/McCartney)

Holy crap.. what a difference a year makes!

Last year… Still stuck in Barrie, trying to sell my house.. SNOWED on my birthday.. overall not one of the BEST birthdays ever (Read about it here … strictly for comparison’s sake..)

And as much as I was attempting to see the good in everything.. people who love me, yadda yadda.. silver linings.. blah blah blah.. (I jest..) It was still slightly depressing… not gonna lie.

Katy and I hung out and it was nice.. but.. at the time… no gig.. and not much else was going on either.
So.. skip ahead a year.

Today, I spent my birthday moving.. not entirely.. but some.  I moved all my things out of BFF Jodi’s house in St. Catharine’s and to my NEW PLACE in Kitchener! (Conveniently located pretty much across the street from the ex husband/kid’s house.. it’s cool.. we’re friends..) I haven’t quite moved in yet.. not till I get back from my trip.. to freakin’ California!!!

SO. I’m sure you now require explanation.

NEW PLACE!!!

In January, my sister Barb asked if I’d be interested and able to go with her to California in April.. .and it was a sweet deal.. so I said yes. In the meantime.. I’ve been doing some contract work for a company in Kitchener which has led to me spending more time there.. (and finding excuses to hang out… not gonna lie… I love the town. Oh, and my kids. Most days anyway…)

Then.. a few weeks ago.. just was checking out online some places in town.. and found a place right near my ex and the kids.. it all just FIT.

THEN.. the company I was doing work for.. asked me to come on full time!
It’s INSANE, really…

To summarize:

Today is my birthday. I moved my things from St. Catharine’s to Kitchener to my new place until I get back.

Tomorrow.. Barb and I are off to San Francisco where we will visit our aunts, uncles and cousins.. drink wine.. ride electric bikes (Yes, there are SO cool, Lara!)  take a boat tour and do many other exciting adventuresome things..

We fly back late on the 16th… and early the 17th I’ll head back to the K-dub.. because…. All my stuff that has been in storage for months will be delivered and FINALLY I will have my own place again.  Sleeping in my own bed every night is something I totally look forward to.

Then.. Monday, April 19th.. my first official day. I am the Social Media Manager for Waters Denison Internet Group.  I map out social media strategy for various clients based on where relevant conversations are happening on the internet.. then I implement said strategy.

Which means.. I Twitter and Facebook for a living. Seriously. (Okay, that’s simplifying it, but still.. WHO better suited to this gig? Really? Yeah that’s right, me… chick who updates her FB status from her physical/church/jail or wherever I happen to be… (but never the washroom. That’s just gross)

Therefore, on this birthday.. Yeah, I’m now forty fuckin’ six.. but it’s awesome. New digs back in the Kdub.. new gig… which I LOVE.. back with friends, kids, family.. AND I’m going to California to celebrate!!

However.. still no love life. Hence, still something to complain about.. 😉

Oh, and since I didn’t have a real chance to celebrate my birthday with my friends…. we’ll do that at the Housewarming party April 24th…

Life: Loving it!
Love: I am loving life… No boys. But… maybe that’s next on my karmic list? Who knows??!
Pants: Okay.. there’s been some slacking.. so maybe Barb and I should take real bikes instead of electric.. LOL

p.s. stay tuned for updates from California..




Falling Off the Wagon

Addiction:

1 : the quality or state of being addicted
2 : compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal;
broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

I’m pretty certain that it’s only a matter of time before I’m on Intervention.

I’ve struggled for years with my addiction. It’s been a shameful burden.

I’ve had to hide it from loved ones and friends.  Ashamed to admit it to others.. it’s embarrassing. Pathetic.  And all consuming…. my addiction to……. online games.

Let me tell you how it all started….

With Neopets.

About ten years ago, the kids started playing Neopets.. and as kind of a joke, set up an account for me.  At first, I didn’t care.. just a kid’s game.. but I started doing it.. for the kids. That way I could send them stuff.. the books.. the food.. you know.. I was HELPING.

But.. Neopets is a slippery slope I found.. suddenly.. I was spending more and more time in Neopia.. but my time on the games .. some you could only do them once a day. I NEEDED THE WHEEL OF EXCITEMENT!!! I wanted to go to the Ice Caves as many times as possible.. visit the Snowager.. spin the Wheel of Mediocrity.. play the Tombola…So I got another account. But it wasn’t enough.. I needed more,, and more.. .. and eventually.. I worked my way up to ten accounts.. starting looking up “cheats” and tips all over the internet.

I’d spend hours buying pets, training them, battling them.. searching out various treasures.. buying things… setting up shops.. They LOOK innocent enough.. little various multi coloured virtual creatures… but.. no. They engage you with their perky good looks and smiley faces and their entertaining games and prizes.. and then… you’re HOOKED.

Then I sunk even lower.. I started turning friends onto Neopets.. and they, too… got addicted.  I still feel so dirty….

But I eventually got over it. I moved on.. started real friendships… not just my Neopian friends..Had a real life.. REAL friends..

However.. something’s happened recently that’s threatened my time on the wagon.

Zoo World.

It started innocently enough.  One day, BFF Jodi mentioned that she was playing Zoo World and I should try it.. because it was “FUN”.

Well.. I like fun. Fun is GOOD.

Zoo World. The bane of my existence...

So I accepted the application.

However, I suddenly realized today that it’s become a problem.

There was a post on my wall that said

Beth is moving up in Zoo and wants to celebrate with you! Beth is sharing a Zoo Bonus with friends!
Margaret Jane Awrey

Margaret Jane Awrey

Do you have a job yet????
4 hours ago ·
Beth Warren

Beth Warren

Yes, I’m the owner of a fine zoo.. LOL
4 hours ago ·

It’s official. I’m addicted.  I’m hooked. (oh, and by the way. yes. I have a gig. I’m self employed. I have the best boss ever.. LOL. She takes me out for drinks often…)

Suddenly I’m obsessed with checking the stream for friends who have lost capuchin monkeys and fennec foxes from their zoos.. buying kiosks and zoo managers.. making my zoo bigger and better and more profitable..  I am searching other people’s streams for their baby marmots who need food so that I can obtain growth formula and such.

It’s pathetic.

I once mocked all those who played Farmville, and Mafia Wars and the like. Now….. I’m one of them.

Making new friends on Facebook so that I can creep their profiles looking for things to make my Zoo bigger and better.

Real conversation between me and BFF Jodi:

“Okay, I just found a beluga whale.. and go get it.. NOW!”

“I got it! I just found a Stingray!”

“Oh! I’m going to get it!!!”

“Jodi! I just received a baby Anteater from the Wildlife Care Network. He is separated from his family and is lost. The baby Anteater is scared and needs someone to adopt him!!”

I’m going into my Facebook account to delete posts about Zoo World so friends won’t mock me (I mean, any more than they do already…) HIDING my addiction and how much I play the game.. it’s one of the first signs.. hiding it..   because when I post comes up about how a baby wombat in my zoo needs food, I get comments like “DIE BABY WOMBAT DIE!” and “How much longer are you going to subject us to this sort of thing?”….

See? Not normal.

Tonight I was talking with Katy and it devolved into a 15 minute conversation about Zoo World.. the highlight of which was when she asked was level I was at.. I said “12”.

And she proceeded to go on a curse laden rant that would shock most sailors. All had to do with the fact that she was at level EIGHTEEN, yet MY zoo was worth more than HER zoo.

“ZOO WORLD IS A @#$@# SCAM!!!! @#$%YOU ZOO WORLD!!!”

Something like that. Oh,  and she misread. Her Zoo is worth more.. even though she started after me.. Apparently the game addiction runs in the genes. Also explains her brother’s obsession with Call of Duty.  We have issues.  We obviously need a 12 step program for online game addiction..

And I’m going to look that up…..

Right after I go save a baby speckled bear that’s lost in my zoo…..

Life: Excellent
Love: Interesting to say the least
Pants: I was told yesterday that it looks as though I’ve lost weight. Hmmmm….

The Fine Art of Lying

Everyone lies.  If you deny it, you’re lying.   Please check your pants as I believe the smoke detector is going off….

As much as everyone likes to think they are straight forward, honest, upstanding individuals.. they lie.  Everyone lies on a daily basis,  when you get right down to it..

Think about it.. so someone asks you “How are you?”  And you immediately reply “Fine!” or “Great thanks!” without even thinking.. even though you’re boss teared ya a new one earlier in the day, your car’s acting weird, your kids are being bitchy and you had a fight with your significant other.. Oh, and you spilt coffee on your white shirt.

That’s not the point of this though.. everyone does the “unintentional little white lie” thing.. it’s a given.  Jesus won’t consider that a huge slight against the commandments (I think..)

And everyone does it.. sometimes to spare feelings (“no dear, your ass does NOT look fat in those pants..”) or to save an uncomfortable situation .. Or your own proverbial ass.. (“Wow, Dad, I have NO IDEA how that scratch got on the car! Must’ve been a shopping cart at Sobey’s!)

I can’t recall the first time I deliberately lied.. but I can recall a few… but, hey, wait.. this isn’t about me.. oh wait.. it IS isn’t it?

But I digress….

As a kid you tell little lies  that you THINK are going to fool your parents. (Sorry, kids… no one.. not even Danny Bonaduce or Gary Coleman in their hey days… is good enough actor to fool their mothers..)

I can remember trying to sneak cheese out of the house. Yeah, you read that right. I WAS HUNGRY OK?  Being the devious child that I was… I went into the house.. grabbed some sliced cheese… put it out on the FRONT porch and then went back out the back door.

Here is my faux pas.. instead of going to the front porch and EATING said cheese… I took it into the back yard.  (Oh, it was individually wrapped cheese slices.. that’s an important element to bring up..)

So. Me. Cheese.. Backyard.

I try to sneak cheese. My mother says “what do you have?”.. So I oh so casually take said cheese slice and put it in my pants and end up walking oddlyandmy mother finds the cheese. Trying too hard. Busted.

Ok, not a good example of how mothers know all.. but I’m trying to tell stories here.

I CAN tell you this. I can tell when most people are lying.. specifically my children.  They have “tells”. Certain things that they do that give them away.  But I cannot reveal them. Likely only Katy the daughter will read this, but on the off chance that Call of Duty, the PS2 and all television is off air, I cannot reveal the tells in case Josh the son reads this.

Here’s the thing….. most people don’t do it well. Why you ask?.. they overexplain.

Now, I will insert a story where, yes, I DID lie well. This may not paint me in the best light… but.. I’m going to share anyway.

After my marriage split I had the occasion to be asked out by a couple of guys and that was cool.. the no so cool part was they asked me out on the same night. (oh, maybe it’s that I said yes to both…)

I’m not proud of this .. but what happened was the one guy I was not -so-much-interested-in asked me out first. Then guy who I thought I was more interested in.. asked me out.

This is how this went down.. Long story short (which means it will get long….).. …. Met guy #1 at the bar and he brought his brother and various and sundry relatives to meet me. Oy vey. Hung out for a bit and then I got a “phone call” and I had to leave because my daughter was sick or something.. and I took off to meet boy number 2.  Boy number 1 thought (and rightfully so) that I was pulling an excuse. See? I over explained.

Don’t get me wrong.. boy number 1 was ok.. but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere (we had been on one date before) and .. boy number two was a guy I hadn’t seen in years, but the last time I did he was all body buildery hot and cute and shit. And in my mind, fun to talk to.

So… meet up with boy 2.

Now, not sure what happened to this guy, but options are as follows:  I may have had way too many brain injuries.  I may have been hammered drunk every time I saw this guy.. or…

He quit the ‘roids. Oh, and became stupid.

Got to the meeting place.  FASTEST BEER OF MY LIFE. (and those who know me, know I can drink fast)

Ok, I feel I must redeem myself here. I’m not a “looks” type of girl. I’m a brain girl. But.. compounded with … how shall I delicately put this…. IMMENSE WEIGHT GAIN.. coupled with the fact that talking to him was like talking to a piece of furniture only not as interesting….. yeah. Not so much. (please note that if he had been erudite and an excellent conversationalist I could have been swayed. I’ve never said “UM” so much in my life.  He, on the other hand, giggled inappropriately and suggested that we go make out in my truck. Really…?  REALLY??? uh, no)

So.. again. Fake phone call that my friend Jenn desperately needed my help and….. left. And went back to the first bar (my friends were there as well…saying that so as not to appear desperate)

Didn’t really care if boy 1 was there or not but figured I’d go say hi.

Found him. Making out with some chick.  I turned and walked.  But his brother saw me. I left and had fun with my friends.  No worries.

The next day I had a bunch of messages from boy number 1 apologizing.. figuring I was ditching him and that I had been making an excuse to leave and makes up some weird complicated story about the girl. Too much. Busted. (please disregard the fact that he had already busted me.. sorta)

What did I do? .. of course, played the innocent injured party and said “that’s okay, I hold no grudges” and equally magnanimous things and wished him well whilst making him feel oh so guilty..

My BFF Jodi upon hearing the story said “Way to take the high road by lying”….  I don’t care who you are.. that’s funny shit.

But.. I got away with it. I didn’t do “therapy” damage or anything..  Meh, Boy number 1 is likely better off. Boy number 2 likely got back on the ‘roids.

I recently ran into an acquaintance of mine who was with a “friend” and he then proceeded to waaaaaaay over explain why his wife was not accompanying him.. He walked away and all I said was “he’s doin’ her”… my friends were unsure.. until we saw the dirty dancing a little later in the evening.  Yeah, overexplained.

Point is.. if you really have to lie to save yours or anyone else’s asses.. or make conversation.. or just not get caught. Keep it simple.

And hide the cheese somewhere other than your pants…

p.s. Got my first hate mail today… LOL.  I was accused of being a man hater and that I thought all men were liars. (didn’t post in comments or I assure you I would have put that up. I may cut and paste..)  That said.. I honestly thought this was just some funny stories that didn’t paint ME in the best light. Oh well, dude wouldn’t have bought my book anyway. LMAO.  And please note that the preceding tale does not condone lying in any way, shape or form. 😉

Life: good. very good. I’m excited
Love: I’m a big fat liar.. no wonder I’m alone  *sob*
Pants: No cheese in them at this time

Are we proud to be Canadian.. or to drink it??

For the past couple of weeks, Olympic fever has gripped the world. And no country has been more in love with this Olympics than Canada.

After all, Vancouver hosted the event this year, so it stands to reason that Canadians would be full of pride.. and liquor.

This is my lucky friend Stephen who actually WENT to the Olympics. The outfits rivalled those at the bar..

I had the opportunity to catch some of the events.. not all.. missed the opening ceremonies, among other things.  However, I was able to catch the piece de resistance of the games.. the Gold Medal Hockey Final.  I was not fortunate enough to attend (Unlike my friend Stephen Ross… see photo) So the next best place to watch such an event.. Bobby O’Brien’s Irish Pub (@bobbyobriens on Twitter).

My partner in crime for this event was my lovely friend Meg (@meggroff).  We arranged to meet at Bobby’s just after the first period… found ourselves a table and sat back to enjoy the show.  Oh, and the hockey.

Apparently being a proud Canadian and supporter of the men’s Olympic hockey team involves beer.  Lots of beer. Oh, and that was just us.  I almost felt ashamed drinking my imported Stella… but I digress.

There were many in full “proud Canadian” gear.. and Meg and I chose to give them various names.  Our favourite was Captain Jesus Canada.. a shortish young gentleman who bore a strong resemblance to Christ and was outfitted in Canada jersey and the requisite Canada flag cape.  Captain Jesus would not walk around the bar, but rather run.. simulating the effect of flying.. his long locks and cape billowing in the ensuing breeze….

Another fave I named “Chantman”… again, a Canada jersey, hat et al… he stood at the bar and would attempt to entice the crowd to chant “WE BELIEVE! WE BELIEVE!”.. Which was a resounding failure for the most part.. until the shooters started flowing…

I haven’t read the “Hockey Fan Handbook”, but apparently to show your nationalistic pride, it’s appropriate to toast the team with various shots of Jager, Tequila or whatever shooter you prefer.  The prouder you are of Canada, the more shooters you consume.  (Meg and I may be verging on being traitors as we did not have any.)  The shooters provide the following positive effects:  louder cheering and chanting,  higher, harder high fives… louder screams of joy when Canada scored.. the notion that it’s appropriate to shake a beer and let it explode everywhere.. and of course the illusion that the players can actually HEAR you when you shout at the tv.

Many many others in Bobby’s were also in full Canada regalia and creating much people watching pleasure for my partner in crime and I… Indeed, it was THE place to be to watch grown men nearly cry like newborns when the US tied it up.

But, as we all know.. it was worth it.. Canada triumphed.  You have not witnessed true joy until you’ve seen one grown man (Captain Jesus) run across the bar and leap into another man’s arms (Chantman)… I almost wish I had recorded that moment so that I could play it back for you in slow motion with an appropriate swelling soundtrack….

All in all.. a very good time.. Canada won.. Meg and I witnessed much comedy, camaradarie and man love.. and there was beer. Oh, and wings.

Although we didn’t dress like it, we were, and are, proud to be Canadian and proud of our athletes.   And happy we weren’t the ones cleaning up the bar…….

Life: Fun
Love: I love Canada!
Pants: I wore jeans.

I’ve Devolved into a Hairy Chested Shirtless Man. (or why I suck at dating…)

A few posts back, I promised I’d update on the LOVE section. Oy vey.  This is a sad sad tale, my friends.. get out the tissues.

Soooooo…… as anyone who reads my rantings knows, I’m not very successful in the “love” department.  Well, I have HAD successful relationships, don’t get me wrong.. but just haven’t had one for a while.  Many things have influenced this sad state of affairs.. I don’t meet a lot of men my own age, for one.. but, just haven’t met anyone I’m truly interested in…

But I digress.

Recently I had a few incidents that shed much light under the proverbial bushel known as my love life..  As you are likely aware, yes, I attempted the online dating again.  *Sigh*

not the actual guy.

Needless to say, there were some interesting characters responding to my ad. Many of whom could not string together a simple sentence (hint: use verbs).. or were just generally of no interest to me.

I did chat online with a few fellows.. but nothing really progressed beyond that.. I even met a couple..

On one occasion, I had been chatting online with one guy and we realized that we had mutual friends .. and we oft times frequented the same establishments.. and this one particular evening we both showed up for a local blues jam in town.  I was out with my daughter Katy, and her friend Lisa.. and he came over to say hi when he recognized me.

At first he seemed nice enough.. despite the entire wardrobe made of denim and matching scarf… but as the evening progressed and he consumed even more alcohol, he just became.. well… obnoxious.

Aside from telling us how great he was, he felt compelled to tell us about his workout regimen and then proceeded to practically remove his shirt in the bar so that we could properly admire his abs.  This was not a pleasant site, as it appeared that he was wearing a brown sweater. He was not. ‘Nuff said.  I’m sure in different circumstances he’s a very nice man, but seriously, dude.. trying far too hard.

On another occasion, I started conversing with another guy online who was quite intelligent and well spoken, and reasonably entertaining.  However, then he kind of freaked me out.  He Googled me.  He found out my last name, requested my Facebook friendship.. and started reading this blog.  (He and I discussed this, I’m no longer freaked out.. but it seemed slightly creepy at the time. Duh. I forgot that if you hit “view profile” on the MSN that you can then see someone’s last name, etc.. I’m pretty. I don’t have to be smart.)

Regardless, at the time I was a little… well, freaked.  I felt cyber stalked (although a friend of mine recently said that cyber stalking is this century’s version of staring across the bar… well, kinda, but without creeping ALL their photos…).

The whole online thing wasn’t all negative though.. I did meet a very nice guy and we hung out a few times. Until he … disappeared.  I assume he found someone he liked more.. all good, my feelings aren’t hurt. I hope he’s doing well.  And that he’d finish that stupid Scrabble game we started on Facebook. (Oh, maybe that’s it.. I was KILLING him.. )

I also met another nice guy online… one night, we exchanged a couple of emails and then on the spur of the moment decided to meet for a drink.

Now, I am generally a fairly cautious individual in this regard. I like to chat online for a while to determine whether or not there will be some inkling of camaraderie.. some indication of good conversation.. because you just never know when someone may turn out to be a serial killer. After all, THEY LOOK LIKE US.. have we learned NOTHING from Dexter????

This impetuous meeting of course made me somewhat nervous…. I had to rush to get ready as I hadn’t showered all day.. and then I had.. the pants emergency.

I could not find my pants. My “good jeans”. I have many pairs of jeans, but most are too big (Please see “pants” portion of blog)… I really only have a couple of pair that look good on me.. after 20 minutes of searching, I called my daughter. Yes, my pants were in Kitchener.

Awesome.

So.. I put on one of my many skirts.. and feeling far too dressed up, went to meet my date for the drink.

He was cute. Quite good looking as a matter of fact.  And funny.. intelligent.. quite charming.. we seemed to have lots to talk about and got along fairly well, I thought..

The establishment we were at was closing.. so we went to another to continue our conversation.. all in all it was quite a fun night.  At the end of our time together, there was the usual.. ok, we’ll have to do this again type thing…

The next day, I text’d him.. and he responded.. all good.  Then.. me being the friendly type of course sent another text with something I found amusing later in the week.. and.. then I had a link I thought he might be interested in.. so I found him (at least I think it was him…) on Facebook and sent it.. and then another text re: something funny.. you’re getting the picture here.

I realize that there was no huge “Love Connection” or anything.. but figured he was a cool guy and I was just sending stuff like I’d send to any friend.. had hoped we could be friends and stuff… but.. yeah. I’m sometimes a little too intense.

I was discussing the hairy shirtless guy and the “cyber stalker” with someone and how I had felt uncomfortable, etc. And suddenly realized…

I was a hairy shirtless cyber stalker. Oh, and texter. (that’s TEXTER not DEXTER)

Thinking back to our evening together.. I was nervous.   Anxious. And.. thinking about it now.. likely obnoxious. I talk too much (you already knew that..) I’m loud, brash.. sometimes politically incorrect…..

First of all.. I was way overdressed for the occasion and in retrospect likely looked like I was trying WAY too hard (mind you, I dress like this often, but for this visit to the pub… yikes… )  Plus, I think I was pretty much like one of those 8 year olds trying to impress the adults… “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!! WATCH ME WHILE I DO A BACKFLIP OFF THE HIGHDIVE!!”

Fuck. I’ve officially become pathetisad. FML. Usually, I only let the crazy out in little bits. Not this time, as I recall….

Hell, I was awful at dating when I was a kid. I SUCK AT IT.  I suppose I could blame the various head injuries,  combined with nerves, alcohol and the hope that he wasn’t a serial killer, or worse yet, a Jehovah’s Witness.. but still.. Really?  Ugh.  I have become what I despise most.  Seemingly desperate.

On a normal, regular basis.. I’m pretty relaxed.. pretty easygoing.. most think I’m a pretty cool chick (either that or they’re just humouring me.. wouldn’t be the first time I’m sure…)  I tend to have a self deprecating sense of humour and a healthy sense of the absurd combined with an overabundance of ironic wit and sarcasm.. Which, perhaps some don’t enjoy… but.. that’s who I am.  Only I was MORE SO on this particular occasion, methinks.  Apparently it’s because I’m an Aries..

Women born under this sign typically are more aggressive and forceful in getting the things that they want. Because of that, they can sometimes have problems in their romantic relationships. An Aries women is forever in the search for a ’real man’ who will be able to handle her. (or perhaps that should say “put up with me”.. LOL)

Regardless, I’m a “live and learn” type person.. everything happens for a reason, I’m wont to say.. So, I learned something.  Be myself.. stop overtrying.. stop texting the poor guy… oh, and wax my hairy, cyber stalking chest.

There may be plenty of fish.. but I think I’m out of the pond for a while.. 😉

Life: Things are good otherwise.
Love: Did you not READ the post?
Pants: I wore a skirt. See above.