Tag Archives: computer

40 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back (or why Zamfir should burn in hell…)

I had to call tech support today.. My website (www.evilgeniusmarketing.ca) would not let me upload pics. And I really really wanted that Wizard of Oz pic on there..

My webhosting service is in Vancouver.  Why you ask? Because I am a moron apparently.  A friend suggested them and I went ahead and signed up without realizing they were across the country.  Which means, if I have issues at 9am, it’s 6am there and I have to wait till noon to call the stupid ass toll free line.

zamfir2

I'm sure he's a lovely man, but I still want to snap his flute in half...

So yesterday I posted.. and the picture would NOT load. And I couldn’t reach them. So I emailed. Nothing.

Today.. still not working.. so I called again. Got the recorded .. “press 3 for tech support”.. and was immediately placed in hold music hell.

It was pan flute music. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute. Playing “My Heart Will Go On”.

Kill me. Now.

I mean, sure, there’s obviously a market for pan flute music.. for dentists’ offices, massage therapists, elevator music and the like.  And apparently, for hold music. REAL HUMANS don’t actually listen to this stuff, like, in their car or anything. I mean, that’s just UNSAFE… the soothing  tones of the pan flute lull you into an altered state and you crash.. see? Not good.

I think the thought is that it’s “calming”.  Yeah. It’s NOT. It’s irritating as fuck.  Seriously. First of all,  I’m a rocker. I’m listening to AC/DC as I write this. There’s no freakin” pan flute in rock music. You can add every other musical instrument ever. Bag pipes. Triangle. Flute. Pan flute is played by that crazy ass satyr Tewt in the “Mighty Hercules” cartoon. HE ONLY SPOKE THROUGH THE PAN FLUTE.  That is messed. But what do you expect… his name’s Tewt.

 

mightyherculestewt4But I digress.

The first.. say.. two minutes.. were okay. I did not feel the need to kill anyone. However.. approaching minute four I was looking for the knife block. To slit my own wrists.

To avoid insanity I started looking for things to do..changed my Facebook status.. and then “liked” everyone’s posts. I was bored. It was a bad move.

I have 763  new emails informing me of everyone who also “liked” or commented on everyone else’s status.

And I wasn’t even drunk.  Although I did look at the clock and think it was 5 o’clock and cracked open a beer. Then realized the clocks hadn’t been turned back.  But that’s beside the point..

So what to do while waiting to be helped? Update my Tweets of course (not to be confused with Tewt..)

I am in tech support muzak hell.

The muzak on hold is lulling me into unconsciousness. I hate you tech support. You are frying my brain via panflute.

I just went on facebook and “liked” EVERYONE’S status. That, my friends, was a mistake. *email box filling with notifications*

.@katbron yes, it is frying my brain….. Damn you Zamfir Master of the Pan flute.

Good news everybody! I’ve received word that hot asian women are dying to meet me! Awesome! (this has nothing to do with tech support.. I just got this good news while I was “liking” everyone on Facebook…)

@meggroff no no.. yours I really really liked. A lot. Best one today. <–Meg accused me of not REALLY liking her status.

I am singing along to the pan flute version of “My Heart Will Go On”.. and  praying for the sweet release of death.

I can actually feel myself slipping into a coma…

Off tech support call.. waited 40 minutes for someone to tell me they’ll call back. Pan flute tune still searing my neurons. arrrrrrgh

@jeffsoltysiak I was on hold for 40 mins. I have pan flute inflicted brain damage.

Yay! Tech support fixed my problem! I forgive you for the pan flute. But not you, Zamfir. Not you.

Eventually I received an email from tech support telling me they reset a whatchamajiggy and the problem should be fixed.. and it was.. and I uploaded my pic.

However, I was still left with the theme to Titanic searing through my grey matter.  You can witness the terror yourself by clicking here.

My heart will go on… but my brain needs some more AC/DC therapy…

Life: Awesome!
Love: I do not love the pan flute. Just sayin’
Pants: I was wearing pants through the entire ordeal.


Doodling Around

I have a love of doodling.

I like to use blue papermate pens.. they feel good in my hand and write nicely.. and I like to draw things when I am on the phone or in meetings etc.  I seem to mostly draw hearts and flowers .. which is very odd considering I am not a flowery girly girl type of person.  Yet, when I doodle I draw flowers over and over again.. and hearts… very rarely geometric designs.

I sometimes draw little cartoonish type faces… not necessarily people I know, but  I have been known to charicature my friends.. I’m pretty good sometimes actually.  I also have a weird OCD stalkerish tendency to write peoples’ names over and over again.. I’m sure it would freak some people out if they knew it was THEIR name I was doodling.. doodlebut honest, I’m not writing “MRS” before any of their names. Specifically the girls..

I decided to look up what my little drawings meant,  seeing as I seem to be doing a lot of it lately.. filling pages upon pages of notebooks with weird hieroglyphics. 

Most often, doodling happens out of boredom.. when you’re in a meeting or on the phone. And often it’s an outlet for frustrated creativity.. putting on paper ideas that are locked somewhere in our brains.  Some doodles or shapes have meanings.. I decided to look up what mine are supposed to mean. (By the way, I have been basically drawing the same type doodles for years…)

Faces apparently mean that I’m a “people person”.  Indicative of being friendly, enjoys being around others, sees the positive in people and situations and is optimistic.  I’d pretty much agree with that one.  I like people. I think they are pretty cool.  Except for really cranky ones. Or mean ones.

Flowers are indicative of a friendly sociable nature.. “Doodles of flowers indicate a gentle personality, a love of nature, sometimes childlike innocence or wistfulness…”  Again, I agree.  I’m sociable. Except when I’m being a hermit.  And if childlike means immature.. well… Oddly, I will not wear anything with an obvious floral pattern.. nor do I have any time of “flowery” stuff in my home.

Hearts.. apparently means I’m in love. Or in love with love.  This, I’m not so sure of.  Hmmm… maybe it just means I like drawing hearts…   (check your own doodles by clicking here…) 

However, I’m not too sure I place a ton of creedence in doodling as psychoanalysis. 

Apparently in  January 2005, some doodles were found on the desk of British Prime Minister Tony Blair and were discussed by psychologists and handwriting experts as to their meaning. According to the BBC ,  newspaper stories indicated that the doodler was   “struggling to concentrate” and “not a natural leader”. However, it was later revealed that a mistake had been made and the doodles were not the work of Mr. Blair.  In fact, the doodles were drawn by a visitor to Number 10 Downing Street – Bill Gates. 

Yeah, I hear he’s a bit of a slacker.

 Life: Not sure I really learned anything from my doodles, other than I draw a pretty good picture of a pig. 
Love: I draw hearts all the time. Nuff said.
Pants: Mostly I draw faces and rarely bodies. So they are pantless…. so to speak.

So did I tell you about the time…?

I am one of those people who has weird things happen to me. Like, one time I met both Geddy Lee and Flavor Flav in one weekend.. and Chuck D took the pic of me and Flav! See. Photographic evidence. He was very polite and respectful. However I still do not understand what chicks see in him… but I digress…
So, weird things happen to me.. I meet famous people.. I win stuff… but sometimes I do NOT win stuff. That part is just sad.
Here’s what happened…… I lost 2 million dollars in the last year and a half. I KNOW! The most recent time was on Lotto 6/49.. IF ONLY THE 7 HAD BEEN A 4!! I play the Encore each time.. I know some people think it’s not worth it, but I know someone who knows someone who DIDN’T play the Encore and did NOT win the million. And to make matters worse, her corner store posted a sign in their window that said “JOAN SMITH LOST A MILLION DOLLARS HERE BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO CHEAP TO SPEND THE EXTRA BUCK ON ENCORE! DUMB BITCH!!” or something along that line……
So, I played Encore… my number was 1357699… and the Encore number was 1354699. ONE FREAKING NUMBER AWAY FROM A MILLION DOLLARS. You’d think that you’d get some good freakin’ cash wouldn’t ya? Nope. $10 and a free ticket. BITE ME ONTARIO LOTTERY CORPORATION!!
But, previous to that…… flashback to September 2007….. I land in Regina to go to Canadian Country Music Week. Of course, the first stop is the liquor store… and as am perusing the fine liquor selection, my cell phone rings…
“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m looking for Elizabeth Warren… this is Patricia from ‘Are You Smarter Than A Canadian 5th Grader'”…
“I’ve been waiting for your call….”
Yeah, I really did say that…..
So we proceed to have a charming conversation.. all the while I’m doing a little dancy dance in the Regina booze store.. WOOHOO! I am going to be on a freakin’ game show and win TONS of money!! Because I AM SMARTER THAN A CANADIAN FIFTH GRADER!!!
I am charming and hilarious and Patricia is laughing.. she finds my answer re: what’s the first thing you’d spend the money on to be hysterical.. I said I’d buy my son a trampoline (that is the deal if I win a lot of money.. I think that’s getting off cheap…) She asks me to come to Toronto to do a screentest for the show…. I AM A SHOO IN!!!
THEN comes the proverbial bucket of cold water…. “Great! so you can be in Toronto the day after tomorrow?”
silence.
“Uh, I’m in Regina for a conference…”
“Can you come back?”
“Not till Monday…”
“Oh. We’ll be done by then……”
Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!
So I lost a million bucks. But it makes for a good story.
And if truth be told, I would have settled for $250K.
Life: No real change. It`s pretty ok.
Love: Only boys on the internet. More on this later.
Pants: Down 4 lbs since yesterday. My secret? Weigh yourself fully clothed at night and then naked the next morning. Gives ya a nice “kickstart”….

Twenty Dollars?!? You Got an Ass that Won’t Quit….

So. 2008 was a helluva year.

To summarize:

  • Moved 2 hours away from my children and friends to work at a job I loved
  • Lived in someone’s basement for 6 months
  • Got dumped by my boyfriend
  • Discovered that I was horribly allergic to Ibuprofen to the point where I used my EpiPen several times and looked like a misshapen freak.
  • My father was diagnosed with Leukemia
  • Bought a house
  • My daughter came to live with me in Barrie.
  • Got canned from the job I no longer loved
  • Bought a car
  • Put the house up for sale
  • Made plans to get outta Dodge.

Those are the highlights. Or the lowlights. Depending on how you look at it, I guess.

Suffice it to say that 2008 has not been my favourite years of those I have lived. I’m forty fuckin’ four, unemployed, unattached and somewhat uninspired. Of the “uns” the only one I am NOT is underweight.

I have time on my hands.. and I figure that being the computer junkie that I am that I can use it somewhat constructively to evaluate what the hell is going on with my life through blogging. Or use it to mock others. Or waste time. Or post porn. Guess it will depend on my mood and how much I’ve had to drink.

The title you ask? Life would be fairly obvious I would think, but if you are marginally challenged, I shall explain… it will have to do with what is going on in my life.

Love .. *sigh*. Commenting on my love life. Or lack thereof more than likely. This is a touchy topic. Oh wait. There is nothing to report. Problem solved.

Pants. Who doesn’t love pants? They have pockets.. you can put things in them! I found $20 in mine today! It was freshly laundered. I used that $20 to buy the bottle of wine I am now consuming .. and had enough change left to… uh.. put back in my pants. Pants also has to do with the fact that I’d like to fit into smaller pants. So I am going to work on that as well.

Bottom line.. I suck at New Year’s Resolutions. I’m thinking if I write about it and post it where others can witness it, maybe I’ll be forced to live up to them. So here they are in all their glory:

  • Get a job. Preferably one I love and can utilize my skills – mocking others and my insane knowledge of useless trivial information. I am thinking “game show host”.
  • Move. I love the house I bought. LOVE IT. That’s the biggest bitch about this whole deal. However, I want to live closer to Waterloo where I can see my kids more regularly and be near my friends and people that I love. Do they have any game shows in Waterloo?
  • Find me a boyfriend. I like boys. A lot. However, I seem to be somewhat smarter than many of them and this seems to scare them off. Or it’s my insane good looks. Or my lack of ego. Or the fact that I have spent the last month in my rec room and actually don’t meet humans. I am also removing myself from any internet dating crap (more on that another time). Time to put on my big girl pants and meet aforementioned humans.
  • Adopt a healthier lifestyle. i.e. more veggies, less crap, less liquor (unless it’s a special occasion, like, Tuesday..) more exercise. This will be my greatest challenge as you actually have to get off the couch….

So..

Life? meh.. could be worse.
Love? I have many people who love me. I’m sure it will all work out eventually.
Pants? I lost 3 pounds over the holidays and I found $20 in my jeans today. I think that’s a good start.