Tag Archives: brains

I’ve Devolved into a Hairy Chested Shirtless Man. (or why I suck at dating…)

A few posts back, I promised I’d update on the LOVE section. Oy vey.  This is a sad sad tale, my friends.. get out the tissues.

Soooooo…… as anyone who reads my rantings knows, I’m not very successful in the “love” department.  Well, I have HAD successful relationships, don’t get me wrong.. but just haven’t had one for a while.  Many things have influenced this sad state of affairs.. I don’t meet a lot of men my own age, for one.. but, just haven’t met anyone I’m truly interested in…

But I digress.

Recently I had a few incidents that shed much light under the proverbial bushel known as my love life..  As you are likely aware, yes, I attempted the online dating again.  *Sigh*

not the actual guy.

Needless to say, there were some interesting characters responding to my ad. Many of whom could not string together a simple sentence (hint: use verbs).. or were just generally of no interest to me.

I did chat online with a few fellows.. but nothing really progressed beyond that.. I even met a couple..

On one occasion, I had been chatting online with one guy and we realized that we had mutual friends .. and we oft times frequented the same establishments.. and this one particular evening we both showed up for a local blues jam in town.  I was out with my daughter Katy, and her friend Lisa.. and he came over to say hi when he recognized me.

At first he seemed nice enough.. despite the entire wardrobe made of denim and matching scarf… but as the evening progressed and he consumed even more alcohol, he just became.. well… obnoxious.

Aside from telling us how great he was, he felt compelled to tell us about his workout regimen and then proceeded to practically remove his shirt in the bar so that we could properly admire his abs.  This was not a pleasant site, as it appeared that he was wearing a brown sweater. He was not. ‘Nuff said.  I’m sure in different circumstances he’s a very nice man, but seriously, dude.. trying far too hard.

On another occasion, I started conversing with another guy online who was quite intelligent and well spoken, and reasonably entertaining.  However, then he kind of freaked me out.  He Googled me.  He found out my last name, requested my Facebook friendship.. and started reading this blog.  (He and I discussed this, I’m no longer freaked out.. but it seemed slightly creepy at the time. Duh. I forgot that if you hit “view profile” on the MSN that you can then see someone’s last name, etc.. I’m pretty. I don’t have to be smart.)

Regardless, at the time I was a little… well, freaked.  I felt cyber stalked (although a friend of mine recently said that cyber stalking is this century’s version of staring across the bar… well, kinda, but without creeping ALL their photos…).

The whole online thing wasn’t all negative though.. I did meet a very nice guy and we hung out a few times. Until he … disappeared.  I assume he found someone he liked more.. all good, my feelings aren’t hurt. I hope he’s doing well.  And that he’d finish that stupid Scrabble game we started on Facebook. (Oh, maybe that’s it.. I was KILLING him.. )

I also met another nice guy online… one night, we exchanged a couple of emails and then on the spur of the moment decided to meet for a drink.

Now, I am generally a fairly cautious individual in this regard. I like to chat online for a while to determine whether or not there will be some inkling of camaraderie.. some indication of good conversation.. because you just never know when someone may turn out to be a serial killer. After all, THEY LOOK LIKE US.. have we learned NOTHING from Dexter????

This impetuous meeting of course made me somewhat nervous…. I had to rush to get ready as I hadn’t showered all day.. and then I had.. the pants emergency.

I could not find my pants. My “good jeans”. I have many pairs of jeans, but most are too big (Please see “pants” portion of blog)… I really only have a couple of pair that look good on me.. after 20 minutes of searching, I called my daughter. Yes, my pants were in Kitchener.

Awesome.

So.. I put on one of my many skirts.. and feeling far too dressed up, went to meet my date for the drink.

He was cute. Quite good looking as a matter of fact.  And funny.. intelligent.. quite charming.. we seemed to have lots to talk about and got along fairly well, I thought..

The establishment we were at was closing.. so we went to another to continue our conversation.. all in all it was quite a fun night.  At the end of our time together, there was the usual.. ok, we’ll have to do this again type thing…

The next day, I text’d him.. and he responded.. all good.  Then.. me being the friendly type of course sent another text with something I found amusing later in the week.. and.. then I had a link I thought he might be interested in.. so I found him (at least I think it was him…) on Facebook and sent it.. and then another text re: something funny.. you’re getting the picture here.

I realize that there was no huge “Love Connection” or anything.. but figured he was a cool guy and I was just sending stuff like I’d send to any friend.. had hoped we could be friends and stuff… but.. yeah. I’m sometimes a little too intense.

I was discussing the hairy shirtless guy and the “cyber stalker” with someone and how I had felt uncomfortable, etc. And suddenly realized…

I was a hairy shirtless cyber stalker. Oh, and texter. (that’s TEXTER not DEXTER)

Thinking back to our evening together.. I was nervous.   Anxious. And.. thinking about it now.. likely obnoxious. I talk too much (you already knew that..) I’m loud, brash.. sometimes politically incorrect…..

First of all.. I was way overdressed for the occasion and in retrospect likely looked like I was trying WAY too hard (mind you, I dress like this often, but for this visit to the pub… yikes… )  Plus, I think I was pretty much like one of those 8 year olds trying to impress the adults… “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!! WATCH ME WHILE I DO A BACKFLIP OFF THE HIGHDIVE!!”

Fuck. I’ve officially become pathetisad. FML. Usually, I only let the crazy out in little bits. Not this time, as I recall….

Hell, I was awful at dating when I was a kid. I SUCK AT IT.  I suppose I could blame the various head injuries,  combined with nerves, alcohol and the hope that he wasn’t a serial killer, or worse yet, a Jehovah’s Witness.. but still.. Really?  Ugh.  I have become what I despise most.  Seemingly desperate.

On a normal, regular basis.. I’m pretty relaxed.. pretty easygoing.. most think I’m a pretty cool chick (either that or they’re just humouring me.. wouldn’t be the first time I’m sure…)  I tend to have a self deprecating sense of humour and a healthy sense of the absurd combined with an overabundance of ironic wit and sarcasm.. Which, perhaps some don’t enjoy… but.. that’s who I am.  Only I was MORE SO on this particular occasion, methinks.  Apparently it’s because I’m an Aries..

Women born under this sign typically are more aggressive and forceful in getting the things that they want. Because of that, they can sometimes have problems in their romantic relationships. An Aries women is forever in the search for a ’real man’ who will be able to handle her. (or perhaps that should say “put up with me”.. LOL)

Regardless, I’m a “live and learn” type person.. everything happens for a reason, I’m wont to say.. So, I learned something.  Be myself.. stop overtrying.. stop texting the poor guy… oh, and wax my hairy, cyber stalking chest.

There may be plenty of fish.. but I think I’m out of the pond for a while.. 😉

Life: Things are good otherwise.
Love: Did you not READ the post?
Pants: I wore a skirt. See above.

Sometimes You Should Just be Thankful they aren’t Zombies.

Toward the end of last year, I felt that my posts were getting entirely too somber.  That’s somber, as in sad. Not the short form for sombrero.. but, I digress.

Yeah, some bad stuff happened. Some people died.. I wrote about them and thereby depressed the fuck out of all of us..  but, it was heartfelt, I’ll tell you that much. However, at this time, I would like to point out that I’m getting a little creeped out by Facebook encouraging me to “reach out” to my friends that I haven’t heard from lately.

Hey, Facebook. Enough with the seances.  THEY”RE DEAD.

Like, seriously… I regularly have 3 come up. “Reconnect with Joe Stiffy. You haven’t talked in a while” or whatever the damn thing says. I was at the funeral, dude. I have a pretty good idea why he’s not reconnecting…

I’ll tell you this much..they aren’t updating their statuses.  But it would be cool if they did…

“Buddy is hanging with Hendrix and Mitch Hedberg… it’s 4:20 here ALL the time!”

“Buddy is getting his groove on with Marilyn and Farrah.. to quote the Black Eyed Peas.. It’s gonna be a real good nite 😉 “..

“Adolf really needs some aloe re: this burning in eternal hell thing..”

Stuff like that.

See? THAT would be okay.

Facebook as a conduit to the dead.

Honestly, I have no idea where I was going with this post, other than to say that it freaks me out a little when I get weird messages from people who are dead. Specifically on social media websites.  If they want to come to me in dreams and tell me winning lottery numbers, cool.  But otherwise, yeah, not so sure.

I guess I should just be happy they aren’t the undead and aren’t wanting to eat my brains. And here I thought being single was a problem.

Life: good, thanks
Love: I love bacon and beer. S’all i got at the moment
Pants: jogging pants. Not that I jog or anything.

Quiz Me

Ok, so when I get lazy with the posts, I put up one of these quiz things….

WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?: Elizabeth Ann Margaret Kubilius Warren
NICKNAMES?: Evil Genius, Promo Princess.. Bethany.. in high school one of my nicknames was Cinnamon…
SINGLE OR TAKEN?: Single. Do you not read the blog?
BIRTHDAY?: April 6th
ZODIAC SIGN?: Aries
AGE?: forty fuckin’ five
HAIR?: Black
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?: St Catharines and Kitchener. It’s a long story
WHAT COLOUR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: black. Always black.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?:   Filling out this quiz. Sucking on a beer.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID?:  Sneezed
WHAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU: Elvis. He’s everywhere.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU ATE OUT WITH?: Jodi and Stephanie
IF U WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?: One of those bouncy balls that you sit on. Or maybe a Big Wheel. Or perhaps a crazy Build A Bear with a voice box that when pressed would reveal satanic messages…
WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?: how much more depressing can this quiz be? I already told you I was single so it’s not likely a honeymoon is in the future. Fine. Italy. or somewhere in Europe. Spain would also be cool.
WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?: Crap! This got more depressing! Other than my kids.. the love of my life aka a player to be named later..
HOWS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?: Cold
LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?: Josh.
LAST PERSON WHO TEXT YOU: Josh
LAST PERSON YOU TEXT: Josh
DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?: Yes, otherwise I would have blocked them by now.
WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS?: It’s a chocolate bar, genius.  Part of the Festive Special
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: Jeans and a tee shirt
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?: no
WHO DO CONSIDER YOUR CLOSEST/BESTEST FRIEND?: Jodi, Jenn, Katy… Trevor.. and Steph has become a great BFF..
WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU?:  don’t touch the handles on the washroom doors
DO YOU OWN A VEHICLE?: yes. it’s red. I like it
HAVE YOU EVER WON A SPECIAL AWARD?: Yes. A couple “manager of the year” things and Record Company Person of the Year from the CCMA
WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS?: Immediate future: sleep.  Long range plans: world domination
FAVOURITE FOOD?: all of it. and more.
FAVOURITE FILM:  The Shawshank Redemption, Wizard of Oz.. many.. Dodgeball. Anything with Will Ferrell except Semi Pro
LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA?: uh… not sure.. something with Hugh Jackman
FAVE BOYS COLOGNE: I have a weird penchant for Swiss Army. I’m apparently in high school
FAVE GIRLS PERFUME: I love Cool Water, Roots Spirit, and Swiss Army for Girls. And Vanilla perfume oil. It makes me smell like cookies.
DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE?: sometimes
ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT?: sometimes
IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME TO ANYTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: Princess Regina Bananahammock
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: yes
WHAT IS THE MOST STUPID THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE?: really? do you think I’m going to put that in writing? just THINK of the legal repercussions…
DO YOU LIKE SCARY OR HAPPY MOVIES?: Happy
CHRISTMAS OR EASTER?: Christmas
LUST OR LOVE?: hopefully both
KISSES OR HUGS?: both
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: the fact that I am not getting lust, love or kisses or hugs at the moment
WHAT COLOUR ARE YOUR PYJAMAS: red
WHAT COLOUR’S YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?: purple
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS QUIZ?: it’s depressing the crap out of me to be quite frank. Can you PLEASE include more questions about how ridiculously single I am? FML.
FAVE PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?: brain
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: loneliness.. helplessness

WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?: coffee

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT?: depends
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?: Jesus. I want him to show me that “water into wine” trick. It will save me a BUNDLE!
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB IN THE WORLD WHAT WOULD IT BE: Supreme Ruler or Game Show Host.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: full. of alcohol hopefully
WHATS YOUR FAVE NUMBER?: 6
SUMMER OR WINTER?: Summer
CAKE OR PIE?: Pie
SILVER OR GOLD?: Gold.. Allergic to silver
DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?: Diamonds
SUNRISE OR SUNSET?: Either
HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE?: Right hip fractured in a car accident. Collar bone fractured falling out of bed. I was five. Get your mind out of the gutter.
DO YOU WEAR RINGS?: rarely
DO YOU HATE ANYONE: Neo Nazis and prejudiced people. And Coldplay. Oh, and Nickelback.
ARE YOU LOUD OR QUIET: really? you had to ask? LOUD
DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF:  absolutely

Life: Good thanks
Love: No reports
Pants: I told you, I’m wearing jeans.

The LOVE Section…

I’ve been writing this blog for over a year now.. well, a year and 2 days.. Actually meant to post on the anniversary, but you know.. got all distracted by shiny things and .. hey! LOOK A PUPPY!!

Part of the reason for starting the darned thing was to keep myself amused.. that and I like writing.. and also to keep track of my “resolutions” of sorts that I made a year ago..

As you may or may not recall, there were several.. one of which was that I had hoped during the past year, that I might find myself in a relationship perhaps, maybe..

But here’s the thing.. I don’t actually MEET people.  I mean, I don’t get out much (you only get so many weekend passes from the home..)  And sincerely, I don’t know where you’d go to meet people.. it’s tough, really.

I’ve tried the online dating thing.. and well, yeah.  I mean, I’m pretty honest about my profile.. I had friends read it and they’ve said it’s a fairly accurate representation of who I am.. I stated what I feel are my good qualities.. and owned up to some negative ones.. I mean, no one is perfect, obviously.. but .. I do think I’m a pretty decent, fun type of chick.. And I’ve been told I’m not bad to look at…

On the negative side.. I’m quite loud and sarcastic (not mean to those less fortunate or anything) and some men really don’t know how to “handle” me (so I’m told…)  I guess sometimes I don’t have a filter and I call people on their shit.. or I’m just.. loud and slightly insane and others can’t quite handle it.  Too smart for my own good is what my mother would call it.

So, here is the profile…

I am happy, funny, articulate, generous, very goofy, smart, sexy, loving, erudite, cheerful, giving, open, somewhat attractive I think, sensual, intuitive, a great cook and baker, artistic, a great public speaker, forgiving, honest, slightly insane in a good way, super fun, passionate, severely right handed, not really a girly girl, understanding, freakishly logical, a bit of a tomboy, a good dancer, a home handy man, animals and children love me, I try to see the good in everyone… and I’m fun. But I think I said that already.

I am very smart and enjoy the mental exchange far more than anything. I appreciate the fact that not all are as into computer stuff as I am.. but.. If you try to engage me with a brief sentence or profile.. We likely won’t hit it off. Just sayin’ I like interesting conversation, whether it’s through messaging and text.. or in person. But if I’m not mentally engaged.. it won’t happen.. I’m a writer, after all.. I enjoy the written word…

I like boys with brains. And funny. Wit and intelligence are paramount. But if you’re hot.. that’s a bonus. (please note my earlier reference to sarcasm.. ) however, although I don’t have a specific “look” that I like, I do like men with nice teeth. yes, it’s a weird thing.

I’ll let you know how this little experiment goes… I will tell you this.. if a guy asks what “erudite” means.. he won’t be getting a reply..  I’ll be busy looking at that puppy…

Life: all good
Love: Dudes, like, did you not just read that?
Pants: so many jokes to be made here about how I’m the only one who takes them off.. but, I won’t.. just in case my mother reads this. Oh, wait, she’ll like that. NVM…