All Dogs Go to Heaven

Barley died on March 25th. I have struggled to write this.

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I lost one of my best friends today.

Barley the WonderDog is gone.

Barley had to have surgery in November for a weird thing on his ear.. and he hadn’t been completely right ever since.

Barley.. first visit to the vet... Nov 9/99

He stopped eating. And this week, couldn’t walk anymore.  He fell down the stairs.  He stopped wanting to walk very far a few weeks ago.. we just thought he was arthritic. We bought him special food.. it didn’t work.

January 4, 1999 I had to take my cat Spooky to be put down. He was nearly 15 .. very sick.. and it was time.

I’m a pet person. Honestly.. I don’t trust people who do not like animals.

I’ve had fish, cats and dogs.. the son has also had some rodents (not my fave..)

But I digress.

Barley Warren was the best dog ever.

After Spooky died, I wanted another pet.  Honestly.. I don’t trust people who don’t like animals. (I’m repeating myself I know…)  I think everyone should have some kind of pet at one point.

And so I got Barley.

November 5th. 1999. Josh and Katy had a PD day.

I had been looking  in the classifieds for a dog. Specifically.. a border collie. Jamie (the ex husband) loved border collies. I wanted a dog. You get the picture….

The kids and I went to a farm in Listowel.. thinking we were getting a girl dog named Daisy.   But.. we got there and the owner said they had decided to keep her.. but they had a boy dog available…

The dog jumped on Katy.  They fell immediately in love.

His name was Bill. He cost $35. Bill is not a good dog name.. in my opinion.. so I named him Barley.

He stunk. A lot.  It was a pig farm.

So we paid for “Bill” and left the farm. And drove straight to PetSmart for some grooming.

On the way, little Joshie in his car seat kept feeding our new addition… The dog had never been in a car before. so we brought some treats.. and Josh gave him MANY.. so many that the dog puked and crapped all over the van.

Once we got to PetSmart, the dog escaped us and crawled under the van.. apparently he knew what was coming…

We finally got him out from under the van and into the store to be bathed and groomed.. we didn’t want to take him home stinky. After all,  I hadn’t actually TOLD the husband (at the time) that I was getting a dog that day……..

Went home.. cleaned the van.. and went back to get our new, good smelling puppy.. and get him a collar, leash and nametag.. and we took him home.

The husband was not thrilled.. but that quickly changed. He quickly grew to love Barley.. as we all did.

But… Katy was Barley’s girl. She says she was actually HIS pet. And he was her “baby boy”.

Barley.. being the border collie that he was.. liked to herd things.. Specifically, children.  Many times kids would ride by on bikes and he’d freak because they wouldn’t obey him.. Then there were the times that the kids would go tobogganing down the big hill behind our house and Barley would alternate between grabbing their snowsuits with his teeth and throwing himself in front of the toboggan. It was clearly for their own safety.

He had a very distinct personality.  When you’d get up in the morning he’d great you with a “ROWR-rowr-ROWR”.. It’s tough to type it phonetically…. but I think you get where I’m going here. The “talking” could mean anything from “feed me” to “I need to go out” .. to “hey, how was your day?”

Barley was one of those dogs who’d push his head under your hand to pet him.. He was a fairly large dog.. (he was about three quarters Border collie and one part collie so was a bit stockier..)  An imposing looking dog.. walking him, people would often stop to comment about how pretty he was. But he was a very gentle dog. A big baby. His bark was far worse…

I always called him a “pig in a dog suit”.. he’d eat anything and everything.. except vegetables. He rarely got “people food” but I can recall one time letting him eat the remains of one of the kids dinners.. and he did.. and spit out the broccoli.

You couldn’t leave ANYTHING out on the counter or he’d eat it.  At one point I had to put a large pot on the top of the garbage can in the kitchen.  Barley had figured out that if he stepped on the pedal,  the lid would open and FOOD GALORE! (Most of which may have been stuff he shouldn’t have eaten in the first place…and led to some cleaning up. But you don’t want to hear that…)

Barley hated baths ever since he was first bathed at PetSmart.  He’d lay down if you pretended if you were going to pick him up (he was big and heavy and most couldn’t but we’d pretend at his expense..)

He would get paranoid that you’d leave him alone.. he loved the car. (Oddly enough).. If he saw people packing, at the first opportunity, he’d jump in the car.. and whilst on the trip would NOT get out to pee.. fearing he’d get left behind.. or maybe he was just comfy.

One time not that long ago, Katy and I took the dogs for a walk and Barley picked up an extremely large stick..

He’d walk with it.. it would get heavy… Katy would tell him to put it down.. he would.. for a milli second. But HE HAD TO HAVE THE STICK.

I’m sure it didn’t help that Katy and I were laughing our asses off…

Barley was also very protective.. you’d have to be careful play fighting or tickling as he would get upset and try to protect the smaller of the two participants.. he actually bit one of Katy’s former boyfriends (not hard…)

He was also an extremely good judge of character. If he didn’t “like” one of the kids’ friends, he wouldn’t be mean, he just wouldn’t let them pet him.. He knew.  Barley was not very fond of several of Katy’s boyfriends. And he was entirely correct in his opinion….

I’ll miss waking up with Barley on the bed. Or beside the bed (even though I’m slightly allergic and wake up puffy….)

I’ll miss your “talking”.. I miss your nudging when you need to be petted.  I miss how excited you’d get when I’d put on my “stripey pants”.. which meant we were going for a walk. I miss you at the door when we come in the house.  I miss how you’d sometimes lick my face in the mornings.. (and I HATE having my face licked)..  I miss everything about you.

We finally took him to see the vet.. he got really bad quickly the last week. We were prepared. We were doing the “right thing”.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever cried so much. And I’m still crying now.  He knew it was time. He was sicker than we thought. It took longer than we thought as a result.

But he knew. He was okay with it. We petted him..kissed him… cried and told him how much we loved him.

He was a good boy.

Barley was everyone’s favourite dog.  Not just mine (no offense to Mocha) .. But my family’s.  He was gentle, loyal, loving and a big baby.

And much loved.  Even Mocha loved him. When we came home, she was confused and looked everywhere for him. Katy accidentally jingled his collar.. Mocha raced to find him.. saw the collar.. sniffed it.. uttered a huge sigh and lay down. She knew.

Barley.. I missed you before you left.  You are most assuredly in heaven.

Life: it goes on. Every time I walk in the door I expect him to be there.
Love: Love that dog.
Pants: Barley loved the stripey pants.

Falling Off the Wagon

Addiction:

1 : the quality or state of being addicted
2 : compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal;
broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

I’m pretty certain that it’s only a matter of time before I’m on Intervention.

I’ve struggled for years with my addiction. It’s been a shameful burden.

I’ve had to hide it from loved ones and friends.  Ashamed to admit it to others.. it’s embarrassing. Pathetic.  And all consuming…. my addiction to……. online games.

Let me tell you how it all started….

With Neopets.

About ten years ago, the kids started playing Neopets.. and as kind of a joke, set up an account for me.  At first, I didn’t care.. just a kid’s game.. but I started doing it.. for the kids. That way I could send them stuff.. the books.. the food.. you know.. I was HELPING.

But.. Neopets is a slippery slope I found.. suddenly.. I was spending more and more time in Neopia.. but my time on the games .. some you could only do them once a day. I NEEDED THE WHEEL OF EXCITEMENT!!! I wanted to go to the Ice Caves as many times as possible.. visit the Snowager.. spin the Wheel of Mediocrity.. play the Tombola…So I got another account. But it wasn’t enough.. I needed more,, and more.. .. and eventually.. I worked my way up to ten accounts.. starting looking up “cheats” and tips all over the internet.

I’d spend hours buying pets, training them, battling them.. searching out various treasures.. buying things… setting up shops.. They LOOK innocent enough.. little various multi coloured virtual creatures… but.. no. They engage you with their perky good looks and smiley faces and their entertaining games and prizes.. and then… you’re HOOKED.

Then I sunk even lower.. I started turning friends onto Neopets.. and they, too… got addicted.  I still feel so dirty….

But I eventually got over it. I moved on.. started real friendships… not just my Neopian friends..Had a real life.. REAL friends..

However.. something’s happened recently that’s threatened my time on the wagon.

Zoo World.

It started innocently enough.  One day, BFF Jodi mentioned that she was playing Zoo World and I should try it.. because it was “FUN”.

Well.. I like fun. Fun is GOOD.

Zoo World. The bane of my existence...

So I accepted the application.

However, I suddenly realized today that it’s become a problem.

There was a post on my wall that said

Beth is moving up in Zoo and wants to celebrate with you! Beth is sharing a Zoo Bonus with friends!
Margaret Jane Awrey

Margaret Jane Awrey

Do you have a job yet????
4 hours ago ·
Beth Warren

Beth Warren

Yes, I’m the owner of a fine zoo.. LOL
4 hours ago ·

It’s official. I’m addicted.  I’m hooked. (oh, and by the way. yes. I have a gig. I’m self employed. I have the best boss ever.. LOL. She takes me out for drinks often…)

Suddenly I’m obsessed with checking the stream for friends who have lost capuchin monkeys and fennec foxes from their zoos.. buying kiosks and zoo managers.. making my zoo bigger and better and more profitable..  I am searching other people’s streams for their baby marmots who need food so that I can obtain growth formula and such.

It’s pathetic.

I once mocked all those who played Farmville, and Mafia Wars and the like. Now….. I’m one of them.

Making new friends on Facebook so that I can creep their profiles looking for things to make my Zoo bigger and better.

Real conversation between me and BFF Jodi:

“Okay, I just found a beluga whale.. and go get it.. NOW!”

“I got it! I just found a Stingray!”

“Oh! I’m going to get it!!!”

“Jodi! I just received a baby Anteater from the Wildlife Care Network. He is separated from his family and is lost. The baby Anteater is scared and needs someone to adopt him!!”

I’m going into my Facebook account to delete posts about Zoo World so friends won’t mock me (I mean, any more than they do already…) HIDING my addiction and how much I play the game.. it’s one of the first signs.. hiding it..   because when I post comes up about how a baby wombat in my zoo needs food, I get comments like “DIE BABY WOMBAT DIE!” and “How much longer are you going to subject us to this sort of thing?”….

See? Not normal.

Tonight I was talking with Katy and it devolved into a 15 minute conversation about Zoo World.. the highlight of which was when she asked was level I was at.. I said “12”.

And she proceeded to go on a curse laden rant that would shock most sailors. All had to do with the fact that she was at level EIGHTEEN, yet MY zoo was worth more than HER zoo.

“ZOO WORLD IS A @#$@# SCAM!!!! @#$%YOU ZOO WORLD!!!”

Something like that. Oh,  and she misread. Her Zoo is worth more.. even though she started after me.. Apparently the game addiction runs in the genes. Also explains her brother’s obsession with Call of Duty.  We have issues.  We obviously need a 12 step program for online game addiction..

And I’m going to look that up…..

Right after I go save a baby speckled bear that’s lost in my zoo…..

Life: Excellent
Love: Interesting to say the least
Pants: I was told yesterday that it looks as though I’ve lost weight. Hmmmm….

The Fine Art of Lying

Everyone lies.  If you deny it, you’re lying.   Please check your pants as I believe the smoke detector is going off….

As much as everyone likes to think they are straight forward, honest, upstanding individuals.. they lie.  Everyone lies on a daily basis,  when you get right down to it..

Think about it.. so someone asks you “How are you?”  And you immediately reply “Fine!” or “Great thanks!” without even thinking.. even though you’re boss teared ya a new one earlier in the day, your car’s acting weird, your kids are being bitchy and you had a fight with your significant other.. Oh, and you spilt coffee on your white shirt.

That’s not the point of this though.. everyone does the “unintentional little white lie” thing.. it’s a given.  Jesus won’t consider that a huge slight against the commandments (I think..)

And everyone does it.. sometimes to spare feelings (“no dear, your ass does NOT look fat in those pants..”) or to save an uncomfortable situation .. Or your own proverbial ass.. (“Wow, Dad, I have NO IDEA how that scratch got on the car! Must’ve been a shopping cart at Sobey’s!)

I can’t recall the first time I deliberately lied.. but I can recall a few… but, hey, wait.. this isn’t about me.. oh wait.. it IS isn’t it?

But I digress….

As a kid you tell little lies  that you THINK are going to fool your parents. (Sorry, kids… no one.. not even Danny Bonaduce or Gary Coleman in their hey days… is good enough actor to fool their mothers..)

I can remember trying to sneak cheese out of the house. Yeah, you read that right. I WAS HUNGRY OK?  Being the devious child that I was… I went into the house.. grabbed some sliced cheese… put it out on the FRONT porch and then went back out the back door.

Here is my faux pas.. instead of going to the front porch and EATING said cheese… I took it into the back yard.  (Oh, it was individually wrapped cheese slices.. that’s an important element to bring up..)

So. Me. Cheese.. Backyard.

I try to sneak cheese. My mother says “what do you have?”.. So I oh so casually take said cheese slice and put it in my pants and end up walking oddlyandmy mother finds the cheese. Trying too hard. Busted.

Ok, not a good example of how mothers know all.. but I’m trying to tell stories here.

I CAN tell you this. I can tell when most people are lying.. specifically my children.  They have “tells”. Certain things that they do that give them away.  But I cannot reveal them. Likely only Katy the daughter will read this, but on the off chance that Call of Duty, the PS2 and all television is off air, I cannot reveal the tells in case Josh the son reads this.

Here’s the thing….. most people don’t do it well. Why you ask?.. they overexplain.

Now, I will insert a story where, yes, I DID lie well. This may not paint me in the best light… but.. I’m going to share anyway.

After my marriage split I had the occasion to be asked out by a couple of guys and that was cool.. the no so cool part was they asked me out on the same night. (oh, maybe it’s that I said yes to both…)

I’m not proud of this .. but what happened was the one guy I was not -so-much-interested-in asked me out first. Then guy who I thought I was more interested in.. asked me out.

This is how this went down.. Long story short (which means it will get long….).. …. Met guy #1 at the bar and he brought his brother and various and sundry relatives to meet me. Oy vey. Hung out for a bit and then I got a “phone call” and I had to leave because my daughter was sick or something.. and I took off to meet boy number 2.  Boy number 1 thought (and rightfully so) that I was pulling an excuse. See? I over explained.

Don’t get me wrong.. boy number 1 was ok.. but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere (we had been on one date before) and .. boy number two was a guy I hadn’t seen in years, but the last time I did he was all body buildery hot and cute and shit. And in my mind, fun to talk to.

So… meet up with boy 2.

Now, not sure what happened to this guy, but options are as follows:  I may have had way too many brain injuries.  I may have been hammered drunk every time I saw this guy.. or…

He quit the ‘roids. Oh, and became stupid.

Got to the meeting place.  FASTEST BEER OF MY LIFE. (and those who know me, know I can drink fast)

Ok, I feel I must redeem myself here. I’m not a “looks” type of girl. I’m a brain girl. But.. compounded with … how shall I delicately put this…. IMMENSE WEIGHT GAIN.. coupled with the fact that talking to him was like talking to a piece of furniture only not as interesting….. yeah. Not so much. (please note that if he had been erudite and an excellent conversationalist I could have been swayed. I’ve never said “UM” so much in my life.  He, on the other hand, giggled inappropriately and suggested that we go make out in my truck. Really…?  REALLY??? uh, no)

So.. again. Fake phone call that my friend Jenn desperately needed my help and….. left. And went back to the first bar (my friends were there as well…saying that so as not to appear desperate)

Didn’t really care if boy 1 was there or not but figured I’d go say hi.

Found him. Making out with some chick.  I turned and walked.  But his brother saw me. I left and had fun with my friends.  No worries.

The next day I had a bunch of messages from boy number 1 apologizing.. figuring I was ditching him and that I had been making an excuse to leave and makes up some weird complicated story about the girl. Too much. Busted. (please disregard the fact that he had already busted me.. sorta)

What did I do? .. of course, played the innocent injured party and said “that’s okay, I hold no grudges” and equally magnanimous things and wished him well whilst making him feel oh so guilty..

My BFF Jodi upon hearing the story said “Way to take the high road by lying”….  I don’t care who you are.. that’s funny shit.

But.. I got away with it. I didn’t do “therapy” damage or anything..  Meh, Boy number 1 is likely better off. Boy number 2 likely got back on the ‘roids.

I recently ran into an acquaintance of mine who was with a “friend” and he then proceeded to waaaaaaay over explain why his wife was not accompanying him.. He walked away and all I said was “he’s doin’ her”… my friends were unsure.. until we saw the dirty dancing a little later in the evening.  Yeah, overexplained.

Point is.. if you really have to lie to save yours or anyone else’s asses.. or make conversation.. or just not get caught. Keep it simple.

And hide the cheese somewhere other than your pants…

p.s. Got my first hate mail today… LOL.  I was accused of being a man hater and that I thought all men were liars. (didn’t post in comments or I assure you I would have put that up. I may cut and paste..)  That said.. I honestly thought this was just some funny stories that didn’t paint ME in the best light. Oh well, dude wouldn’t have bought my book anyway. LMAO.  And please note that the preceding tale does not condone lying in any way, shape or form. 😉

Life: good. very good. I’m excited
Love: I’m a big fat liar.. no wonder I’m alone  *sob*
Pants: No cheese in them at this time

Are we proud to be Canadian.. or to drink it??

For the past couple of weeks, Olympic fever has gripped the world. And no country has been more in love with this Olympics than Canada.

After all, Vancouver hosted the event this year, so it stands to reason that Canadians would be full of pride.. and liquor.

This is my lucky friend Stephen who actually WENT to the Olympics. The outfits rivalled those at the bar..

I had the opportunity to catch some of the events.. not all.. missed the opening ceremonies, among other things.  However, I was able to catch the piece de resistance of the games.. the Gold Medal Hockey Final.  I was not fortunate enough to attend (Unlike my friend Stephen Ross… see photo) So the next best place to watch such an event.. Bobby O’Brien’s Irish Pub (@bobbyobriens on Twitter).

My partner in crime for this event was my lovely friend Meg (@meggroff).  We arranged to meet at Bobby’s just after the first period… found ourselves a table and sat back to enjoy the show.  Oh, and the hockey.

Apparently being a proud Canadian and supporter of the men’s Olympic hockey team involves beer.  Lots of beer. Oh, and that was just us.  I almost felt ashamed drinking my imported Stella… but I digress.

There were many in full “proud Canadian” gear.. and Meg and I chose to give them various names.  Our favourite was Captain Jesus Canada.. a shortish young gentleman who bore a strong resemblance to Christ and was outfitted in Canada jersey and the requisite Canada flag cape.  Captain Jesus would not walk around the bar, but rather run.. simulating the effect of flying.. his long locks and cape billowing in the ensuing breeze….

Another fave I named “Chantman”… again, a Canada jersey, hat et al… he stood at the bar and would attempt to entice the crowd to chant “WE BELIEVE! WE BELIEVE!”.. Which was a resounding failure for the most part.. until the shooters started flowing…

I haven’t read the “Hockey Fan Handbook”, but apparently to show your nationalistic pride, it’s appropriate to toast the team with various shots of Jager, Tequila or whatever shooter you prefer.  The prouder you are of Canada, the more shooters you consume.  (Meg and I may be verging on being traitors as we did not have any.)  The shooters provide the following positive effects:  louder cheering and chanting,  higher, harder high fives… louder screams of joy when Canada scored.. the notion that it’s appropriate to shake a beer and let it explode everywhere.. and of course the illusion that the players can actually HEAR you when you shout at the tv.

Many many others in Bobby’s were also in full Canada regalia and creating much people watching pleasure for my partner in crime and I… Indeed, it was THE place to be to watch grown men nearly cry like newborns when the US tied it up.

But, as we all know.. it was worth it.. Canada triumphed.  You have not witnessed true joy until you’ve seen one grown man (Captain Jesus) run across the bar and leap into another man’s arms (Chantman)… I almost wish I had recorded that moment so that I could play it back for you in slow motion with an appropriate swelling soundtrack….

All in all.. a very good time.. Canada won.. Meg and I witnessed much comedy, camaradarie and man love.. and there was beer. Oh, and wings.

Although we didn’t dress like it, we were, and are, proud to be Canadian and proud of our athletes.   And happy we weren’t the ones cleaning up the bar…….

Life: Fun
Love: I love Canada!
Pants: I wore jeans.

I’ve Devolved into a Hairy Chested Shirtless Man. (or why I suck at dating…)

A few posts back, I promised I’d update on the LOVE section. Oy vey.  This is a sad sad tale, my friends.. get out the tissues.

Soooooo…… as anyone who reads my rantings knows, I’m not very successful in the “love” department.  Well, I have HAD successful relationships, don’t get me wrong.. but just haven’t had one for a while.  Many things have influenced this sad state of affairs.. I don’t meet a lot of men my own age, for one.. but, just haven’t met anyone I’m truly interested in…

But I digress.

Recently I had a few incidents that shed much light under the proverbial bushel known as my love life..  As you are likely aware, yes, I attempted the online dating again.  *Sigh*

not the actual guy.

Needless to say, there were some interesting characters responding to my ad. Many of whom could not string together a simple sentence (hint: use verbs).. or were just generally of no interest to me.

I did chat online with a few fellows.. but nothing really progressed beyond that.. I even met a couple..

On one occasion, I had been chatting online with one guy and we realized that we had mutual friends .. and we oft times frequented the same establishments.. and this one particular evening we both showed up for a local blues jam in town.  I was out with my daughter Katy, and her friend Lisa.. and he came over to say hi when he recognized me.

At first he seemed nice enough.. despite the entire wardrobe made of denim and matching scarf… but as the evening progressed and he consumed even more alcohol, he just became.. well… obnoxious.

Aside from telling us how great he was, he felt compelled to tell us about his workout regimen and then proceeded to practically remove his shirt in the bar so that we could properly admire his abs.  This was not a pleasant site, as it appeared that he was wearing a brown sweater. He was not. ‘Nuff said.  I’m sure in different circumstances he’s a very nice man, but seriously, dude.. trying far too hard.

On another occasion, I started conversing with another guy online who was quite intelligent and well spoken, and reasonably entertaining.  However, then he kind of freaked me out.  He Googled me.  He found out my last name, requested my Facebook friendship.. and started reading this blog.  (He and I discussed this, I’m no longer freaked out.. but it seemed slightly creepy at the time. Duh. I forgot that if you hit “view profile” on the MSN that you can then see someone’s last name, etc.. I’m pretty. I don’t have to be smart.)

Regardless, at the time I was a little… well, freaked.  I felt cyber stalked (although a friend of mine recently said that cyber stalking is this century’s version of staring across the bar… well, kinda, but without creeping ALL their photos…).

The whole online thing wasn’t all negative though.. I did meet a very nice guy and we hung out a few times. Until he … disappeared.  I assume he found someone he liked more.. all good, my feelings aren’t hurt. I hope he’s doing well.  And that he’d finish that stupid Scrabble game we started on Facebook. (Oh, maybe that’s it.. I was KILLING him.. )

I also met another nice guy online… one night, we exchanged a couple of emails and then on the spur of the moment decided to meet for a drink.

Now, I am generally a fairly cautious individual in this regard. I like to chat online for a while to determine whether or not there will be some inkling of camaraderie.. some indication of good conversation.. because you just never know when someone may turn out to be a serial killer. After all, THEY LOOK LIKE US.. have we learned NOTHING from Dexter????

This impetuous meeting of course made me somewhat nervous…. I had to rush to get ready as I hadn’t showered all day.. and then I had.. the pants emergency.

I could not find my pants. My “good jeans”. I have many pairs of jeans, but most are too big (Please see “pants” portion of blog)… I really only have a couple of pair that look good on me.. after 20 minutes of searching, I called my daughter. Yes, my pants were in Kitchener.

Awesome.

So.. I put on one of my many skirts.. and feeling far too dressed up, went to meet my date for the drink.

He was cute. Quite good looking as a matter of fact.  And funny.. intelligent.. quite charming.. we seemed to have lots to talk about and got along fairly well, I thought..

The establishment we were at was closing.. so we went to another to continue our conversation.. all in all it was quite a fun night.  At the end of our time together, there was the usual.. ok, we’ll have to do this again type thing…

The next day, I text’d him.. and he responded.. all good.  Then.. me being the friendly type of course sent another text with something I found amusing later in the week.. and.. then I had a link I thought he might be interested in.. so I found him (at least I think it was him…) on Facebook and sent it.. and then another text re: something funny.. you’re getting the picture here.

I realize that there was no huge “Love Connection” or anything.. but figured he was a cool guy and I was just sending stuff like I’d send to any friend.. had hoped we could be friends and stuff… but.. yeah. I’m sometimes a little too intense.

I was discussing the hairy shirtless guy and the “cyber stalker” with someone and how I had felt uncomfortable, etc. And suddenly realized…

I was a hairy shirtless cyber stalker. Oh, and texter. (that’s TEXTER not DEXTER)

Thinking back to our evening together.. I was nervous.   Anxious. And.. thinking about it now.. likely obnoxious. I talk too much (you already knew that..) I’m loud, brash.. sometimes politically incorrect…..

First of all.. I was way overdressed for the occasion and in retrospect likely looked like I was trying WAY too hard (mind you, I dress like this often, but for this visit to the pub… yikes… )  Plus, I think I was pretty much like one of those 8 year olds trying to impress the adults… “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!! WATCH ME WHILE I DO A BACKFLIP OFF THE HIGHDIVE!!”

Fuck. I’ve officially become pathetisad. FML. Usually, I only let the crazy out in little bits. Not this time, as I recall….

Hell, I was awful at dating when I was a kid. I SUCK AT IT.  I suppose I could blame the various head injuries,  combined with nerves, alcohol and the hope that he wasn’t a serial killer, or worse yet, a Jehovah’s Witness.. but still.. Really?  Ugh.  I have become what I despise most.  Seemingly desperate.

On a normal, regular basis.. I’m pretty relaxed.. pretty easygoing.. most think I’m a pretty cool chick (either that or they’re just humouring me.. wouldn’t be the first time I’m sure…)  I tend to have a self deprecating sense of humour and a healthy sense of the absurd combined with an overabundance of ironic wit and sarcasm.. Which, perhaps some don’t enjoy… but.. that’s who I am.  Only I was MORE SO on this particular occasion, methinks.  Apparently it’s because I’m an Aries..

Women born under this sign typically are more aggressive and forceful in getting the things that they want. Because of that, they can sometimes have problems in their romantic relationships. An Aries women is forever in the search for a ’real man’ who will be able to handle her. (or perhaps that should say “put up with me”.. LOL)

Regardless, I’m a “live and learn” type person.. everything happens for a reason, I’m wont to say.. So, I learned something.  Be myself.. stop overtrying.. stop texting the poor guy… oh, and wax my hairy, cyber stalking chest.

There may be plenty of fish.. but I think I’m out of the pond for a while.. 😉

Life: Things are good otherwise.
Love: Did you not READ the post?
Pants: I wore a skirt. See above.

Good Fish, Bad Fish

Pisces is the 12th sign of the Zodiac and is represented by two fish swimming in opposite directions. The two fish symbolize the internal struggle of the soul within a Pisces. Often, the fish are swimming away from each other in a circle representing life after death or reincarnation. Pisces is considered a feminine or negative sign. Feminine signs are considered more passive, receptive and sensitive than masculine/positive signs.

Pisces .. the fish..

Pisces are sensitive, humane and often idealistic. People born under this sign react emotionally to everything making them compassionate and sensitive to those around them. Rather than taking an analytical approach to life, pisces react to the feelings of others and as a result can be very influential when they choose to be. In the right situaltion a Pisces can be capable of incredible deeds. The positive nature of a Pisces and the fact that they are tuned into the feelings of others makes them socially popular.
No, I have not turned this  into a Horoscope site.

I have many Pisces in my life.. always have.. somehow I am drawn to the fish.. or related to them..   However, in this particular post I wanted to address three fish who happen to be having birthdays within the same week.. three people who are very important in my life..

My sister Lara celebrates her birthday on February 24th.. as that is the day that she was born. Lara is four years younger than me and we’ve generally always gotten along.  She is a lovely, kind, wonderful and attractive person.. She’s a great wife to her husband Joe and the amazing mother to three funny, intelligent and well behaved children.  She’s a marathon runner and an Occupational Therapist in her business life.  She’s pretty and smart and does NOT look like she’s had three children. For that, I am envious, however, she is a runner and I am relatively lazy. LOL.

I can remember being about 7 or 8 and Lara went “missing”.. My other sister Barb and I went to all the neighbours looking for her and came home crying when we couldn’t find her.  She was in the basement the entire time playing quietly and no one thought to look there. I remember a picture of Lara one Christmas when she was very young.. she looked like a doll sitting on a tiny couch.  She was an exceptionally pretty child with lovely blonde hair.

When Lara was about 17, she and her 2 friends and I made a trip to Niagara Falls and stayed in a hotel.  It was a tremendously fun trip… To this day, we’ve maintained that we went to wax museums and tourist attractions (well, we DID go to the Falls..) when in reality there was, perhaps, some underaged drinking in bars across the US border.  I’m 45. I think it’s a little late for my mother to ground me. I hope.

Lara and I have not lived in the same city for many years and I regret the fact that we are not closer.  I love her sense of humour, her desire to always make other people happy.. her willingness to help others whenever possible.. her giant heart and her sensitivity and compassion for everyone around her.  I think perhaps for her birthday I might like to actually spend some time alone with her. Oh wait.. that’s more of a gift for me than it is for her… LOL

Jennifer’s birthday is February 25th.  She calls me “the new mommy”.  This stems from 2 incidents.. one being an occasion when she was dating a young man and she discovered that he had a toddler… He became indignant when we were in the Santa Claus parade and he felt she hadn’t paid enough attention to his daughter.  My response was “what the hell were you supposed to do? Jump off the fuckin’ float, pick her up and swing her in the air and scream “I’M YOUR NEW MOMMY! I’M YOUR NEW MOMMY!!” ?”  Shortly after this, Jenn revealed that her dad had a tiny crush on me and we then proceeded to discuss that if I WERE to marry her father, I would be HER new mommy.. but I wouldn’t be picking her up or swinging her around..

Jennifer recently became a mother .. to the very beautiful Ayson.  She’s a natural mother.  And, as the “new mommy”.. my status has been upgraded to “new grandma”.. kinda.. I’m not wearing any orthopedic shoes anytime soon (no offence, Mother.)

Jenn and I have had many many adventures.. nearly being killed by a giant truck on Hwy 93 in Orr Lake… various concerts, misadventures at the Stampede Corral.. Oktoberfesting.. wine, crying, laughing, boy trouble, many secrets.. .. but mostly laughing.   I cherish her friendship.

Katy was born on February 20, 1990 and turned 20 this year.  It was a bit of a tough birthday for her as she had a lot of ups and downs during her birthday week.. But I can safely say that things are on the upswing.  I wrote a very long blog about my beautiful daughter last year on her birthday which you can read if you like.

Katy is smart and beautiful and funny.  She is everything a mother could hope for in a daughter.  She’s also one of my best friends.  And she deserves everything good in life. I know she’ll get it.

All three of these wonderful women are beautiful, talented, smart, funny, sensitive, passionate, empathetic and just amazing.   I am absolutely blessed to have them in my life.  I thank the Universe for them.  I am happy and grateful for their love.

Happy Birthday Lara.  Happy Birthday Jenn.  And Happy Birthday Katy.  I hope this is the best year yet.

Oh, the Good Fish/Bad Fish?  This is how Jenn describes Pisces… part good.. and a little part bad.. or maybe the better word is adventurous…  All I know is, I pretty much only see the good.  I love you all. Happy Birthday.

Life: An adventure every day!
Love: There’s a lot in my life.
Pants: I think I need to get some new ones.

Birds of A Feather..

Those who know me, know I’m a big fan of the social media.  I enjoyed the MySpace, then moved on to the Facebook.. I also enjoy MSN on a very regular basis.. and in the last year or so became a “Twitterer”.  Yes, I tweet. Often. Sometimes with disregard to others. That is usually when I’ve had a couple bevvies, mind you… but I digress..

I rarely use fuckin’ profanity on the Twitter. Why? Well.. some business type folks (and some clergy, go figure..) follow me and I don’t want to be horribly offensive.. after all, that’s what the blog is for.. regardless…

For those of you who don’t “tweet” I felt compelled to share some of my ramblings.. just some highlights.. (yes yes this is another way of saying that I’ve been lazy…….. so sue me.)


I refer to Valentine’s Day as “Singles Awareness Day”    2:04 PM Feb 2nd   via TweetDeck

@steffer1 perhaps we should organize a tweetup for all our single friends…. LOL Everyone wears black.    2:16 PM Feb 2nd   via TweetDeck  in reply to steffer1

Another day, another Facebook friend request from someone I don’t know… *delete*    10:27 AM Feb 3rd   via TweetDeck

Annoyed. Had a parking ticket for parking where I was told to park. Yeah, we’ll be fighting this.    12:41 PM Feb 3rd   via TweetDeck

Sooooo… just why would anyone WANT their own Nick Lachey? #daytimetvsucks    1:56 PM Feb 3rd   via TweetDeck

@meggroff and here I thought you were just going to continue with “pantless day” and “do resumes drunk day”    9:58 AM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck  in reply to meggroff

@meggroff my fave part of your resume is where you listed “kickin’ it old skool” & “pounding back a 40 w/ my homies” under “special skillz”    10:22 AM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck  in reply to meggroff

@meggroff Perhaps if you offered to share. Just sayin’. Or maybe if you took “stickin’ it to the man” out from under “hobbies”    10:55 AM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck  in reply to meggroff

Frosted flakes are pretty delicious.    12:34 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck

Dear @billgates my MSN is not working. Please fix it. Thankssomuch. Love, Beth    7:00 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck

hint: if you have the “let people know what I’m listening to” thing on your msn.. make sure that it doesn’t show Demi Lovato if you are 40    9:00 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck

i wish I had crackers    9:18 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck

I was wondering if I’d ever marry again. I will marry again if it’s legal to marry food product in ON. I LOVE YOU MELTED CHEESE!    10:04 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck

do you ever wanna just slide your fingers one space over so that people think you are typing in another language?    10:06 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck

GWT AI GIQ;A UA FIUBF U RGUBJF TIY EIXJ    10:07 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck

@SarahRobinson it was delicious. I love food. Can I legally marry food? or Ikea?    10:11 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck  in reply to SarahRobinson

@SarahRobinson I can hardly wait to be Mrs Grilled Cheese. now the break up btwn me and the Hamburglar makes sense…..    10:18 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck  in reply to SarahRobinson

@JamesAWoods @SarahRobinson I’ve been to Texas. Love it. they have beef and large things. I’m in ..   10:20 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck  in reply to JamesAWoods

I’m going to bed. Mocha the wonderdog is going with me. so she will not be answering any DMs    10:44 PM Feb 4th   via TweetDeck

I’m really hoping @badwebsites is working out right now.. need him to be all buff for the reunion. Oh. It’s in May.. not June.    1:38 AM Feb 6th   via TweetDeck

Booooo. Worst part about the SuperBowl is that we don’t get to see the cool commercials. #OhCanada    8:12 PM Feb 7th   via TweetDeck

I would be really interested to see if hits dropped significantly on Porn sites during the SuperBowl. #justsayin    9:46 PM Feb 7th   via TweetDeck

@tw_i_tt_e_r Unfortunately, I’ve made a habit of dating men with bad hair. Last guy looked like a homeless dude….    7:18 AM Feb 8th   via TweetDeck  in reply to tw_i_tt_e_r

“Mom, I know your heart is black and cold, but quit making fun of people just trying to find love”.. DD to me Re: the Bachelor …    8:54 AM Feb 8th   via TweetDeck

Hey! Baby mamas on Maury!! Here’s a thought… birth control! THEN YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO CHASE THESE GUYS DOWN… #justsayin    9:04 AM Feb 8th   via TweetDeck

Maury should give out giants gift baskets of condoms to the guys on his show….    9:09 AM Feb 8th   via TweetDeck


Guten morgan. (Feeling kinda German being in the K-dub and all….)    7:57 AM Feb 10th   via TweetDeck

I love it when you get an unexpected call from someone you love and haven’t talked to ages… #sofartodayisexcellent    9:17 AM Feb 10th   via TweetDeck

Today: ass kicking, soup making, build-a-bear, work, coffee drinking, more ass kicking, chat with the HS Vice Principal…. I need a drink.    5:52 PM Feb 10th   via TweetDeck

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… you can put Montreal Steak Spice on ANYTHING and it makes it good…    6:46 PM Feb 10th   via TweetDeck

I’ve decided to become a crazy cat lady… I got the crazy part down..     4:25 PM Feb 11th   via TweetDeck

Got myself a free steak dinner. It was not hot, but free.    8:18 PM Feb 11th   via TweetDeck

I apparently have coined a new phrase “I will fist bump you in the face”.. all the kids are saying it…    1:29 PM Feb 12th   via TweetDeck

Although I appreciate short forms, if you msn or text me and use ALL of them, I think you are illiterate. #justsayin    11:30 PM Feb 13th   via TweetDeck

Unlike the rest of you, I am celebrating “Singles Awareness Day”….    10:44 AM Feb 14th   via TweetDeck

@badwebsites LOL .. no flowers, the only chocolate I got was “free with purchase” at Victoria’s Secret.. however, I did get some VD beer…    7:21 PM Feb 15th   via TweetDeck  in reply to badwebsites

Does it count if you give up abstinence for Lent?    4:51 PM Feb 16th   via TweetDeck

DD making a pic of me on the computer. Son says “you look like a 5 star hooker”. Apparently it was a compliment….    7:08 PM Feb 16th   via TweetDeck

Yes, I know. “Way to cut and paste!” Well, if you want the live action .. follow me on Twitter. @beth_warren.  I’m reasonably amusing.

Life: All good
Love: Move along. Nothing to see here (YES, there will be a dating update soon. Promise)
Pants: I really want to make a reference to “pants on the ground” but that’s Sooooooo over