New Beginnings

I’m not a sharer.

I know it seems strange for me to say that considering I’ve spent the last year chronicling my life on the internet.  But I’m really not.

I’m an excellent actress. Far more than most realize. Despite my outward appearance of joviality, I don’t share my feelings with many.. and not often. I sometimes push all my bad feelings down so that no one knows there are there except for me…. putting on the face of a permanently happy girl.  And to tell the truth, I am more happy than not.. but.. I’m babbling now…

photo by Heather Meyers Photography

What brought this on, you ask?  New Year’s Eve.  It is one of my least favourite holidays of the year.

It’s always been somewhat depressing for me.. it’s the end of Christmas, after all.  Time to leave that magical time behind, take down the tree and head back to work or school or what have you.  Depressing as all fuck.

I’ve never been one to revel in Auld Lang Syne and kiss a bunch of strangers…

I mean, I’ve had some good New Year’s Eves.. as a kid I remember trying to stay up till midnight and watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and dancing around.. as a teen there were a few parties.. as an adult, I often worked the night.  For years I DJ’d at the Owen Sound Greys Hockey dance… it was actually quite fun. My husband (at the time) Jamie and I would go up there.. I’d play tunes.. we’d dance… have some food and enjoy ourselves.

The big Y2K New Year’s was spent in Marathon, Ontario. It’s north.. very north.. near Thunder Bay. Hey, if the world’s going to end, might as well be in God’s country, right?  No, actually, Jamie was gigging .. what was supposed to be a huge party turned into about 40 people as many stayed home.. afraid of the impending doom.  We still had a great time..  afterward all of us went back to our hotel.. we were the ONLY people staying there.. not even any staff!! They just left the door of the Best Western open for us.. we stayed up a bit, had some drinks and had a blast.

A couple of years ago we just stayed home.. me, Katy and Josh, BFF Jodi, Alyssa (Katy’s BFF) and Katy’s boyfriend at the time.. we karaoke’d.. had some drinks and decided to go out and slide on the ice rink next door.. much hilarity ensued, as did some somewhat embarrassing photos (“we were outside?” said Jodi….) and soaked clothing from falling in the snow.. but it was fun.

However, most years I choose to lay low.. I’ve tried to go to the bar or the dance or what have you, but I find it a downer.

Which brings me to the sharing part..

Last year was the worst New Year’s of my life.  And unfortunately I let that colour much of the year.

I don’t want to go into detail… I’m saving that for the book, after all.. more on that later… but suffice to say, I was assaulted.  I’m fine. Really.  Finally.  Justice has been served. It’s all good. And no, other than that, I don’t want to talk about it.  It seemed a rather cruel joke by the Universe seeing as I had just suffered a year of moving, lost love and losing my job.  The ultimate capper to a horrible year.

Unfortunately, after this happened, I shut down and spent the better part of a month hiding in my house.  It was what I needed to do at the time.  Several very close and good friends helped me through it.  But it still affected me.  Of course.  I lost a lot of self confidence, self worth…. and chose to deal with it in not very constructive ways.. usually involving wine and crying.

However, the point of this is to not make everyone feel sorry for me.. because they shouldn’t.  I told you already.. It’s all good.

The point of this is that although it took me many months, I finally started turning things around.

This past year wasn’t a banner year.  But there were a lot of very good things that happened.  I made a lot of new friends.. many of them through social media channels.  I finally realized that what I want to be when I grow up .. is a writer.  I started writing a book.. not done yet.. but soon.  I reconnected with many people from my past who meant a lot to me.. Avril.. Wayne.. many many from high school…

Lost some people from my life as well.. some died.. some… I had to remove from my life for self preservation.

I fell in love this year.  No, I’m not telling you with whom.  But it didn’t.. and won’t.. work out.  He knows. And he loves me too and remains an important part of my life.  So it’s still a good thing.

I saw many concerts.. AC/DC, Bob Dylan, Springsteen.. to name a few.. things on the bucket list.. I had many people who loved me help me when things were really not good.. Jodi, Trevor.. my family.. even my ex-husband Jamie has been a wealth of support and friendship.  Yes, we are an unusual pair.

Despite the pain, I had a lot of laughter.  Many good times with friends.  I loved and enjoyed them all.

I did actually accomplish a few of my resolutions from last year.. so I believe that to be progress.  I’ve recently started an exciting new career adventure.. And my children continue to amuse me, amaze me and provide me with unconditional love.  They are two of the finest people I know.

What started so horribly has turned out quite well I think.  I can honestly say that I am actually happy … that’s taken me a long time to accomplish, truthfully.  But I am.  There’s always room for more happiness though.. and more laughter..  And I’ve learned the past helps shape who you are, but does not control your future.

My best Christmas gift this year was a card. It was from my parents.  In summary, it was to tell me how proud they are of me and how strong I am.  Best gift ever.

I’m actually looking forward to this New Year’s Eve. I am spending it surrounded by people I care about and who care about me.  It will be low key and quiet.  Which is just fine.

So if you are reading this.. you likely have affected my life whether you know it or not.  Thank you for being a part of my journey.  Thank you for being there for me.. you mean a lot to me..   My wish for you for 2010 is love, peace, happiness, contentment and much joy and laughter.

And I wish that for me, too.

Because 2010 is my year for a new beginning.  It’s the year of the Tiger. I’m going to grab the tiger by the tail…

Life: All good.
Love: I love you all very much.
Pants: Yes, I will be wearing pants this evening. Thanks for asking..
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17 responses to “New Beginnings

  1. So hey, just throwing an idea out there, when you publish your book, can you spiral bind it? Then it’ll stay open when it’s on the table…. oh and *gives you a hug* thanks for being there… just thanks.

  2. Happy New Year Evan. Love you lots!

  3. Beth, I just read your blog, and I sure hope your New Year’s wish comes true for you and I as well. I love your writing, it rings honesty , humor and truth and I hope I have the opportunity to read your book. Happy Quiet New Years to you and your entire family ♥

  4. Thank you for sharing that. Another wonderful read. Wishing you the very best days ahead Beth. So glad I’ve met you! (hugs!)

  5. Beth, everything you need is inside you already. It’s simply a matter of finding it. I’m proud of you for having the courage for writing this. I’m honored to have been a small part of your journey this year and look forward to more growth in 2010!

  6. Beth, thanks so much for sharing. You are a wonderful friend and person and I’m so happy you are in my life. I wish all the best for you in the New Year. xo

  7. You know how much I love you, but just in case you forgot or need to be reminded – I LOVE MY BETH XOXOXOXOXO

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  9. Beth! Thank you for sharing. I have been listening and I love your wit and energy. I am so proud of you for opening up and allowing people to get to know you instead of just the surface info. Your sharing brings you to life and lets us know “you are one of us” as Chris Brogan and Julien Smith wrote.

    I hope your new year is filled with love , prosperity and even deeper connections with all of us in your life.
    Be in Peace and Love Always Beth!

  10. Beth,

    It is my pleasure and privilege to have connected witb you this year! One of your greatest qualities is that, no matter how horrible things are, you move forward. Sometimes you are like a seed deep in the ground germinating. Other times you are like a plant sprouting, actively reaching up to the sun.

    I can’t wait to see what happens in 2010!

  11. Good one Beth. It has been a trying year for a lot of people including you and me. Staying positive and counting your blessings is sometimes all you can do. When all is said and done every day above ground with people you love and who love you is pretty darn good. All the best in 2010 to everyone.

  12. What a beautiful post Beth! Sharing is not an easy thing to do, but the story you tell speaks of a brave soul with a big heart who is loved by many. It allowed me to reflect on my own life this past year. Thank you for that gift, and here’s to a fabulous new year’s eve in 2010!

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  14. Suzanne van Trigt-Jones

    Beth,
    Thank you so much for sharing!
    I wish all those things for you too and thank you for wishing them for me!
    I hope we can meet face to face one day. Hopefully before we are ready to move to Alabama, where my husband, Wayne, is from. We hope this is the year the paperwork , having the house ready to sell all comes together and we move!
    Love,
    Suzanne

  15. Beth, thank you for sharing yourself in this transparent post. I found it via Twitter, where I have thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated your personality-filled tweets during the last year. I often laugh and am always amused at what you say. I wish I could be so bold and honest.

    Your honesty in this post causes readers like me to relate and reflect on our personal journeys. For me, the last two years have also been a time of change and challenge.

    Let’s hope that 2010 is truly a time for new beginnings and for clarity…and a healthy sense that we are blessed with those things that truly matter in life…like family and friends.

    I hope 2010 is your best year, and that you finish your book. You’re a good writer.

  16. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    We all have pain, disappointment, struggle, fear. And we all need to know that we’re not the only ones and that we WILL get through it.

    Hugs, Beth.

    Wishing you as much health, wealth & happiness as you can handle for 2010.

    Vicki

  17. Hell yeah! Good for you. 2010 has to be way better than 2009, right? I did enjoy the phrase “Depressing as all fuck” and in fact, I may have to steal it and use it sometime. I will be sure to give you full credit, of course!

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