Once again, I must preface the post with the warning.. “If you are my Mother, do NOT read this. No, really Mom.. there are just some things you don’t want to know, being the good Catholic woman that you are. So, seriously, go make a Sanka and watch some Coronation Street and forget that you ever even came across this blog post, okay? Because you really shouldn’t read it. K? K. Love you!”
No, seriously Mother. STOP NOW.
Well, now that I have that out of the way….
Over the weekend I received a “friend request” on Facebook. Not unusual, per se. I receive usually a few a week.. many people that I know through the music business or friends of friends.. some that I’ve met through Twitter.. that sort of thing.
So when I receive a request from someone I don’t immediately recognize, I merely investigate their profile.. see who or what we have in common and determine whether or not I really want to befriend this person.
Mind you, I have various levels of “friendship”.. if you’re reading this now, that likely means you can read my links,etc., and therefore you likely have full access. I have multiple levels of access.. some can’t see my wall posts.. some can’t see any pictures.. things like that. Just depends. And sometimes statuses change dependant upon our interaction.
That being said, I didn’t look too closely at Buddy’s profile.. he looked kind of familiar although I didn’t recognize the name , but I still added him.
Almost immediately the IM chatty thing opened up and Buddy started yacking. Mostly inane chatter.. the usual crap. I asked if his FB name was his “real” name.. it was not, and he told me his proper handle. And then whilst we chatted it hit me.. this was a guy I had met online through a dating site.. we met once about 4 years ago. Emphasis on the ONCE.
We met for a drink… it didn’t go extremely well.. I had absolutely no interest and ceased contact. And quit with the online dating.
Once I made the connection I tried to gracefully get out of the conversation without looking like a complete and utter bitch. I’m not a fan of hurting anyone’s feelings, regardless of how jerky I might think they are.. so I merely chose to hit the “ignore” button for a bit.. and then said I had to go.
And then the messages started. There were several. And based on Buddy’s profile and his messages, I have created a list of actions you can perform in order to be immediately blocked on Facebook, Twitter or any other Social Media site or application.
How to Get Me to Block You in 8 Simple Steps
1. Please let me know that you have creeped all of my Facebook photos and have enjoyed them in an intimate way. Especially if I really don’t know you very well. Really, it’s charming and endearing. Not creepy or disturbing at all.
2. Use an alias. Nothing says forthcoming and upstanding like not using your own name. Again, not at all unsettling or suspicious.
3. Include in your profile a lot of shots of just your torso. No head, just neck to very, very close to south of the border. HAWT. Chicks dig it.
4. Only have girls on your friends list. This does indeed show me that you are a ladies man. And that you apparently were beat up by all the other guys in school and therefore have no real friends. It’s just a theory.
5. Ensure that you have all the “cool” applications like “Babe of the Day” and “Hot or Not” installed on your Facebook page. This is really impressive and again is an indicator of your extreme hawt-ness and likeability. Also take all the cool quizzes.. start with “What Kind of Lover Are You” and work your way up.
6. When contacting me by chat or messaging, please indicate that you had a very hard time getting to sleep after we chatted because you were thinking of me in special and intimate ways. This is of course even though we don’t know each other and I have given you absolutely no indication that I find you attractive in the least.
7. Please refrain from discussing anything remotely interesting. Keep all topics of conversation confined to what I look like, my various physical attributes and what affect they may have on the fit of your pants.
8. Go try this on some other chick, because frankly, I’ve already unfriended you.. you will never read this… and I have no interest in chatting with you again. Seriously, dude. I have no idea if this actually ever works for you or not, but I’m thinking not. Either that or you end up dating a lot of girls whose IQ’s range in the double digits.
Addendum. #9. (courtesy of the lovely and talented Lea Cater — @leannecater) I would add step #9 “when I tell you I’m seeing someone & there4 can’t date you, call me a LIAR! And demand details as proof 😉
Suffice to say, Buddy and I are no longer “friends”. (Insert ironic sad face icon here)
And people wonder why I’m still single.Life: All in all going all right. Love: BWAHAHAHAHAHA Pants: doing up the belt a little tighter these days… good news..