Condom Nation

I was recently having a conversation with one of my BFF’s and we were discussing our sex lives. More correctly, HER sex life. The discussion surrounding mine is a short one.

“Hey, had sex?”
“Nope.”

***Again, please note, that if you are my mother, you should not be reading this. We HAD A DEAL. To everyone else, if you send this to my mother, I will hunt you down and then do something really painful to you.. No, I’m not kidding..***

I live vicariously through my friends. It’s all I have, really. (insert poignant violin music here). I mean, I have friends and good times.. and fun.. and American Idol on the big tv.. but as far as a romantic life is concerned, I must live through others’ misadventures. I mean, I don’t want graphic details (okay, maybe a little.. kidding, kidding…) but I do enjoy hearing about what’s going on in their worlds. I mean, if I can’t make out with cute boys, then I am happy that they get to. (Ok, maybe happy is not the correct word.. hmmm… maybe.. “seething with jealousy”.. “green with envy”.. I’ll get back to ya..)

It was during one such coversation about sex and it’s various hazards that I realized something that I think is very very odd. I’m a single chick in the 21st century.. I’ve been “sexually active” for a “few” years (none of them recent, I might add…).. and yet, I have never purchased condoms.

I find this …. bizarre.. to say the least…and maybe vaguely disturbing..

I mean, back when I was a girl… (I often like to sound like an 85 year old granny..) there wasn’t as much talk about the spread of STD’s and such (you are so regretting reading this right now, aren’t you?)…. I mean, condoms were primarily for preventing pregnancy back in the day.
And although my parents had hoped that I’d be a “good girl” and wait until marriage…. I eventually became, for lack of a better term… one of those girls that put out.

Now, seriously.. I’m exaggerating.. I had a steady boyfriend for years and was by no means a dirty pirate hooker or anything. Wait a minute.. There is no way on earth I’m coming out of this one looking good now, is there? So why don’t I quit typing, you ask? Just delete you say!! I can’t. I am already committed. There is no turning back. I am obviously a sucker for punishment.. and I obviously have arguments with myself that lead no where..

Ok, back to the story. So, I had a serious boyfriend.. and we had sex. But we did not use condoms. I used another form of birth control in order to avoid becoming a teenage mother. Then.. you know.. a few years passed.. glossing over any substantial details because you don’t really need to know …. and then I got married.

Then I had baby #1. Then married some more, baby #2… then I got spayed… then married some more…. then divorced (I can certainly shorten a story when I feel like it…) Then a serious relationship for several years.

What I am trying to say is that I have pretty much been “in a relationship” most of my adult life and therefore have never had need for said prophylactic devices for the most part. I mean, sure there have been occasions where they have been deemed necessary however what I’m trying to say is I’ve never PURCHASED them myself. I’ve had no reason to do so.

But when I realized this the other day, I felt I should go subject myself to this.. what is normally a teenage rite of passage.. and I’m pretty old at this point.. so I felt that I should purchase some, just for the experience. And, I was at Shopper’s anyway…. so what the hell.

I was at Shopper’s to pick up some other random crap.. some lipgloss stuff.. some body lotion.. you know, the usual drug store stuff. Then I made my way over to the “personal care” section or whatever the heck they call it…

So I’m standing there looking at the stuff in this section… personal lubricants and such.. and realize that I have no idea what I am doing. I have “looked” at the section before whilst with friends who require said products. But I’ve never really paid much attention. So I’m not really sure what it is I should be purchasing.

Lubricated,Unlubricated (that does not sound pleasant).. Pleasure Max, Party Pack (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??) Extra intense, Intimate Vibrations… Supra, Magnum, Sensitive, Warm sensations… powerful pleasure? oh my… thin, ultra thin..climax control…oh dear.. spermicidal ultra smooth, extra intense, intense ribbed, vibrating ring!.. very sensitive, Super Magnum extra large ultra ribbed… and what the heck is a TWISTER? I think I am in over my head…

So while I condom shop, there are other people in the aisle and I cannot help but turn a bright shade of red. I mean, I am NOT the most easily embarassed person in the world.. but this certainly did it. Several times I extended my arm to choose a package of party favours .. and chickened out. I have not been this embarassed by vulcanized rubber since a kid in grade 8 blew up a bunch and batted them around during recess. Eeek!

Long story short.. I chickened out. After all, it’s not like I have someone with whom to use said devices with.. and I’d hate to end up with the wrong kind. But I’ll tell you this.. I don’t think I want to be going out with anyone who purchases the “party pack”…. oh dear.

Life: Still looking for a gig. Please say prayers and send money.
Love: Still looking here too.. please say prayers and send over the numbers of any boys you think I might like.. (kidding)
Pants: Still working out.. down a pound. Need to work harder. I’ll keep ya posted.

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2 responses to “Condom Nation

  1. If ya send me your address I can send you a care package. Dave spent a weekend sitting on frozen peas so we dont need them anymore…I think its a party pac…or whats left of it 🙂

  2. bwahahaha!

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