Weird Things Happen to Me (or why Kix Brooks and I are no longer on speaking terms…)

For some bizarre reason, I am one of those people crazy things happen to… I don’t just have stuff happen… I have ADVENTURES.

I believe it started when I was a kid…. I was one of those kids who just always seemed to be getting into some sort of trouble or misadventure. When I was 5 they took me to the school to check it out because I would start kindergarten in the fall. All that summer my parents would get up in the morning and I’d be gone. Off on my bike. I couldn’t ride a two wheeler…. I’d be off on the tricycle at 6, 7am.. cruising around the neighbourhood, looking for the school.

By all appearances many thought I was just very anxious for school. For higher learning. Truth be told, the day I went in… they gave us puppets and ice cream.. I could be bought even at a young age.

So I’d cruise the neighbour… thinking I went super far but in reality only a couple of blocks.. and could not find the school. I would end up on various neighbours porches.. usually my childhood BFF Julie’s, calling through the mailslot “Joooooooolie… is you in there…?” or going to my other neighbours and singing various songs until someone woke up. I required amusement!! What is WITH all you people who sleep past 6am??

On another occasion when I was about the same age, my sister came screaming home with the news that I had been abducted by a witch. She and I had been walking along to our friend’s house when the mother of a neighbourhood boy asked if we could help her. Sergio’s mother was an Italian widow and dressed completely in black as Italian widows are wont to do… and unfortunately was no Sophia Loren….. no Gina Lolabridgida… she wasn’t even as pretty as Sylvestor Stallone as I recall.
Regardless, Sergio’s mother came running out to the sidewalk in a panic as she had locked herself out of the house and had to go pick up Sergio from school. She had no way to get back in and asked if we could help her. Well, “the witch” scared the crap out of my sister so she took off running. I, on the other hand, being the brave and adventurous soul that I am, followed her to her back door.

Please, let us point out that this was the ’60’s and at that time it was not unusual for children to be out and about in their neighbourhoods fending for themselves. It was a happier, innocent time.

But I digress…. I went around back to discover that Sergio’s mother’s BRILLIANT plan was to stuff me through the milkbox.

At this point I’m sure at least SOME of you say “Milkbox? What is milkbox?” It was a little cupboardy thing at the side or back of the house .. the milkman (“well kids” – she said as she rocked back and forth, clutching her shawl- “back in the olden days, there were trucks that would come to your house and deliver your milk fresh from the dairy”… “ooooo” said the younguns…) would put the bottles of milk in the box and then there was a door on the INSIDE of the house so that you could just bring the milk in! AND YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE!
**Please let me also point out at this time that when I was a kid we did not get milk delivery.. we bought it at the store. Sergio had an older house. Please see the photo of a milkbox from the inside of a house. Most are sided over in this day and age. **

ANYWAY… Sergio’s mom picked me up and started pushing me throught the milkbox. At the point I was stuffed halfway through, headfirst, hanging over the basement stairs I realized that was NOT a good plan and therefore started screaming for her to put me down. As soon as my little running shoes hit the pavement I took off running. Mind you, not for home… to my friend’s house. My mother and sister showed up at “the witch’s house” a short time later and were told that I had run off. My sister was certain I had been turned into some sort of stew or pie I am sure.

I ran to my friend’s house and remember wondering why she wouldn’t just stuff her own kid through the hole once she picked him up from school. Regardless… I wandered the neighbourhood (or several blocks past) and eventually came home around dinner time..

So I believe that I have always somehow ended up in various situations where something odd happens…. usually to me. I mean, I’ve met lots of famous people.. the first “brush with greatness” was at Disney in grade 8 where my family and I saw Marcia Wallace (she used to be Carol on the Bob Newhart show and is the voice of Mrs. Krabapple on the Simpsons). I was too shy to talk to her so I took a picture of her back. Since then I’ve met Carrie Underwood, David Foster, Russell Peters, a couple of Canadian Idols, Wayne Gretzky, Flavor Flav, Shania and many many country artists. I even met Brooks and Dunn onetime at Casino Rama. They were nice enough. However, little did I know what evil was about to strike.

Brooks and Dunn ROCKED the show…. my two friends and I were on our feet from the opening bars of “Red Dirt Road”. It was awesome and we had a blast. This was not the first time I had seen B&D, having seen them for the first time when they opened for Reba in the ’90’s. But each time I’ve seen them they are even MORE entertaining.. joking, playing, throwing stuff into the crowd. During the encore, confetti cannons went off.. streamers, confetti and balloons were falling from the ceiling.. and I was hypnotized by the spectacle… the paper slowly falling… me in some sort of weird trance…

Until.. WHAM!!! Something hit me right in the mouth! As my hands flew to my face, I saw Fernando and Jordan dive over the seats in front of us! I really had no clue what had just happened!! WTF??!!

The woman in front of us stood upright and was holding a cowboy hat.. Kix Brooks cowboy hat. That he had hit me in the face with. I was kind of shocked and a wee bit angry and startled. “IF I’M THE ONE WHO GOT HIT IN THE @#$% FACE I SHOULD AT LEAST GET THE HAT!!” She ignored me. I sulked. And noticed that my front tooth was slightly chipped and my lip a bit swollen. Hey, it HURT!

We went to the bar afterward and ended up having drinks with a couple of the guys from B&D’s band where I told them my story and pretended that I was going to sue their boss. I continued this charade for several days, informing co-workers at the radio station that they must only refer to the band as “… AND DUNN” from now on as Kix Brooks was now dead to me.

Eventually I let it die although I still had the tiny chip out of my front tooth. But then Fernando was working with Brooks & Dunn on a promo tour and he told them the story and everyone laughed at my pain. However, they did send me an autographed CD. So I have forgiven Kix Brooks and will speak to him again, should we ever run into one another. It’s no puppet and an ice cream, but I can still be bought.

Life: Working on it. Mind you, if anything interesting had happened I’d be telling you that instead of stories from my childhood. Perhaps it’s some sort of therapy.. or perhaps I just like to ramble….
Love: Oh my. There is nothing to report. Perhaps because I stay at home in front of the computer all the time…. hmmm
Pants: Ok, I’ve been a bit slacky this week as I wasn’t feeling 100% but I’m getting back on it. And most of my pants are too big.

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